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The Adventures of a Barbarian in the West
An affectionate and thinly disguised parody
-Warning! May contain spoiler for Act I-
After seeing the star fall from the sky, Frank the Barbarian journeyed many miles to the town of New Tristram. He walked day and night to ensure that he would arrive as soon as possible. He finally arrived on a cool summer evening. Frank presented himself to the Mayor of Tristram, and declared in his stoic barbarian monotone.
"My name is Frank and I have come to save your town from the evils brought by the fallen star. Tell me where the living dead nest so that I may slay them."
The mayor looked confused and replied;
"You can't go running of on adventures yet! We need to set up the towns defenses! We have pre-assembaled palisades stored in that barn over there, help us unpack them."
Frank nodded and walked to the barn. After opening the rusty doors he was shocked to discover that the allegedly pre-assembaled defenses, had been haphazardly shoved into the barn so that removing them would take several hours.
Frank turned to the mayor and bluntly stated
"It would be quicker to simply cut down trees and fashion new defenses then to untangle your old ones."
The mayor was shocked
"But the pre-assembaled defenses are easy and convenient!"
"They are not easy nor convenient, it will take at least a day to untangle them."
"What would you know about modern defenses, your just a primitive barbarian, now hurry up and get untangling."
Frank untangled and set up the defenses as he was told. It took an entire day, and left him exhausted. Frank was just about to set off into the woods to slay the minions of Hell when the mayor stopped him.
"What are you doing!? You must not go off adventuring until you have completed the 37 trials!" cried the Mayor
"I have never heard of your trials. Please tell me of them" replied Frank
"Well, there are 37 of them... and you need to complete them before leaving the town."
"But what are they?"
"I don't know, but you have to complete them."
"But how will I complete them If I do not know what they are?"
"Stop being so demanding! If you had shown up a couple of days later you wouldn't need to complete the 37 trials at all. This is your fault for showing up so early." Screamed the mayor in a childish and overly effeminate voice.
"You are angry, because I walked day in night so that I might protect your town from destruction?" asked Frank
"Should I just leave your town to it's fate? If you do not desire my help there are other lands in need of heroes, were guilds wage viscous war amongst themselves and dungeons are lit by torchlight."
"No, no, stay here. Just stop complaining about the 37 trials."
Frank was very confused.
-May or may not be continued-
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