05/28/2012 02:30 PMPosted by OckhamsFollyDon't ask me how they do it; I'm not spending another day on that damn tree just to find out.
Just...epic. By the time this little gem popped out I was completely hooked.
So I'm Odin, the All-Father; I am Iron Grim, the One-Eyed. I'm the Longbeard, Lord of Ghosts, Wise One... you get the idea. My gaming rig is engraved with protective runes, and my firewall is a wall manned by Heimdell, who sees and hears any threat to the residents of Asgard. Every day at sunrise, my entire system is massaged with a poultice of angelica, burdock, comfrey, dill, and moss provided by Eir while a healing galdr is chanted over it. My ISP is two ravens that bring me news of all the happenings in the world and is always 100% stable and secure, personally watched over by the birds. Don't ask me how they do it; I'm not spending another day on that damn tree just to find out. It's powered by human sacrifice, although I have no idea how this could be relevant; I've just seen others with the same problem posting it.
Considering that my computer literally has godly protections, I was shocked to log in to get my barb on only to dicover my character had been completely STRIPPED of EVERYTHING. The problem isn't me here, Blizzard. I don't even get any spam because Huginn and Muninn just filter it out for me. I haven't used my password anywhere other than official Blizzard sites and the game itself, and my authenticator has been cursed to kill anyone who touches it that isn't me. I'm outraged that you pitiful mortals once again dropped the ball and gave MY information away. Now they know my true name and the address of Asgard, and who knows what sort of mischief they'll get up to with that information? I knew it was a mistake trusting your servers with the information, but I didn't want to break my ToU and give you false information. It's what I get for following the rules.
I demand that you restore my items and gold IMMEDIATELY, Blizzard. I have been a loyal and supportive customer for far too long, and my patience has run out. I also demand you provide me with the IP address of all systems that have accessed my account so that I may call a wild hunt and bring justice to the fools that dared meddle in the affairs of the gods. Finally, and believe me, I am a little regretful about this part, I'm going to need you to offer me a human sacrifice as amends. I'm sorry, but rules are rules and that's what will give you absolution. It doesn't have to be anyone special; even an intern you have laying about will do the job. But my wrath will not be sated until you do, and if you fail to do so you and your ken will be cursed by all the gods and goddesses of Asgard and will not find rest or solace while they still walk the land of Midgard. Like I said, I don't like doing it, but you've tied my hands here, Blizzard. Make it right, and it can all go away.
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