Diablo® III

Zoltun Kulle's day in court

Duh … Dunt … Dunt

This is the plaintiff, Zoltun Kulle. He claims he received a severe beating and was robbed of his Black Soulstone by the Defendant. He’s suing for the return of the Black Soulstone plus damages.

Duh … Dunt … Dunt

This is the defendant, the Nephalem. He says, and I quote: “Ain’t nobody steal nothing from Zoltun Kulle, he had something we wanted, so we took it. That ain’t stealing. And ain’t nobody in the neighborhood liked him anyway, he had a beat down coming, so, I don’t know what he talking about.”

Duh … Dunt … Dunt

The people are real. The cases are real. And this is Judge Judy’s court room.

Duh … Dunt … Dunt

Judge Judy: Ok, Mister Kulle you want to tell me what happened?

Zoltun Kulle: Yes, Your Honor. Well, I was dead. Well, I wasn’t actually dead, because I can’t be killed, but I call it being dead. And I was having this weird dream about Tyrael, which I’d rather not remember. Anyway, the Nephalem, Tyrael, Adria and Leah come to me and they ask me if they can use the Black soulstone to imprison two Lords of Hell. So, I said sure, you guys put my body back together and I’ll let you have the Black soulstone.

Judge Judy: So, in exchange for the Black Soulstone they were going to put your body back together.

Zoltun Kulle: Yes, Your Honor.

Judge Judy: Ok. Then what happened?

Zoltun Kulle: Well, after they fixed up my body, I went to finish up the Black Soulstone so that I could give it to them. But, just as I finished the stone the souls of five other lords of hell went flying into it and were imprisoned there. I said, Hey this isn’t right! What’s going on here? And I was trying to talk to the Nephalem here, but it was obvious that Adria and Tyrael had been bad-mouthing me to him…

Adria: Ain’t nobody was Bad-mouthing you!

Judge Judy: Shut up! You’ll get your chance!

Adria: Yeah, but ain’t nobody was bad-mouthing him!

Judge Judy: didn’t I just tell you to shup up?! Now zip it!

Judge Judy: Now, Mr. Kulle, you say they had been bad-mouthing you? What’s “Bad-Mouthing”?

Zoltun Kulle: Well, Your Honor, that’s when someone says bad things about you to get other people to not like you. You know, its spreading rumors, gossip, that sort of thing.

Judge Judy: Ok. So go on.

Zoltun Kulle: Well, I was trying to talk to the Nephalem here, this wasn’t part of the agreement, I was trying to figure out what was going on here. And the Nephalem starts demanding that I turn over the Soulstone or else. And, I guess, I didn’t answer quick enough, because the Nephalem just viciously attacked me.
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The Nephalem: Dat ain’t what happened at all.

Judge Judy: Ok, Nephalem. Tell us your side of the story.

The Nephalem: Ain’t nothing to tell! We agreed to put his body back together if he gave us the soulstone. We did that. We put his body back together, brought him back to life. Then, he ain’t wanna give up the soulstone. He was rambling on and on about something. And I told him: Man I ain’t got time for this! So, I took the stone.

Judge Judy: You beat him up and took the soulstone?

The Nephalem: Yeah, so what? It was ours, that was the agreement.

Judge Judy: Did the souls of five other Lords of Hell fly into the stone once Mr. Kulle finished it?

The Nephalem: Yeah. So what? The stone was ours. He agreed. He gets his body, we get the stone.

Judge Judy: Did you tell Mr. Kulle about the five other lords of hell that were going to be trapped in the soulstone?

The Nephalem: Naw.I ain’t even know nothing bout that myself.
That was all Adria’s doing. She marked up all the spirits of these five lords of hell, and they was all swirling around, somewhere, out there, for 20 years or something, guess they couldn’t return to hell with they souls all marked and everything, and ain’t none of the other lords of hell ever say nothing like; Yo, ain’t so-and-so been dead for like 20years now, why ain’t his spirit returned here to hell or nothing? And then once ol’ Zoltun Kulle finished the soulstone, it was like, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, BAM! Five Lords of Hell trapped in the stone. But that was all Adria, though, not me.

Adria: Well I …

Judge Judy: Sit down and shut up! I didn’t ask you anything!

Judge Judy: So, bascially, you and your friends here lied to Mr. Kulle, you cheated him, you stole his property, you viciously beat him and you reneged on the agreement.

Tyreal: You cannot Judge me, for I am justice itself!

Judge Judy: Shut up and sit down, you! This is my courtroom, and you’ll be judged today, that’s for sure.

*Leah looks as though she is about to speak. >>ESC >> Options >> Sound >> Voice Volume to 0 >> Accept*

*Speech bubbles with dots in them go back and forth between Judge Judy and Leah. Then a speech bubble appears above the Nephalem. Re-set Voice Volume to 80.*

The Nephalem: …. That’s what this here is! And nothing but!

Judge Judy: Using someones property and then later on getting permission to use that property doesn’t annul the fact that you used it without permission. You told him you were only trapping two Lords of Hell, when in fact you intended to trap seven. Had Mr. Kulle known it was going to be used for seven Lords of Hell, he may have asked for more in exchange or he may not have made the deal at all. The fact that you severely beat him, stole his property and then reneged on your promise by dismembering his body again as soon as you got what you wanted is all too obvious.
Judgement for the plantiff.
Edited by wongkeiying#1630 on 6/30/2012 9:34 PM PDT
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Duh … Dunt … Dunt

Announcer: So, Nephalem, do you feel that justice was done today?

The Nephalem: Hells no! How somebody like Zoltun Kulle gonna complain that somebody did him wrong after all the evil he done did?

Announcer: What evil did Zoltun Kulle do exactly?

The Nephalem: I don’t know myself. But, with a name like Zoltun Kulle you know it had to have been some bad stuff.

Duh … dunt … Dunt

Announcer: How about you Adria, do you feel that …

Adria: Go to Hell!

Announcer: Hmph, that’s strange. A witch, self-bound to the service of Diablo, using the phrase “Go to Hell” to damn and dismiss someone.

Duh … Dunt … Dunt

Announcer: How about you Tyreal. Do you think that justice was done today?

Tyreal: I … I was … I was judged. *sobs quietly*

Dun … Dunt … Dunt

Announcer: Well, Mr. Kulle. You won your case. How do you feel? Do you feel like justice was done today?

Zoltun Kulle: Oh yes! There was never any doubt in my mind that the courts would agree that I was the victim. I was beaten, I was robbed, I was lied to and cheated. I mean, if I had known that my Black soulstone would be used to trap seven lords of hell, I certainly would have wanted more than just my body back in one piece, that’s for sure. And, you would think that the Aspect of Justice would have been just a little more concerned once he found out that I was lied to about how they were using the Soulstone. But he didn’t care, he just kept following Adria along, like some mindless zombie.

Announcer: And there you have it. I guess, what we’ve learned today is; Video Games are NOT Novels. The more you try to Novelize the Video game the more ridiculous the stories will become and the less video game there’ll be.
Edited by wongkeiying#1630 on 6/30/2012 9:34 PM PDT
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Posts: 5
+1 Tyrael's reaction is priceless
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Zoltun Kulle was just trying to cover his butt, I'm glad he won the verdict.
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That was awesome.

I'm glad Zultan Kulle took it to small claims.

He deserved the ruling.
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Posts: 270
Okay, I got a bit of a laugh out of it. Not for the one-liners, but it puts into context how crazy that piece of the story was in-game.
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06/30/2012 09:33 PMPosted by wongkeiying
And there you have it. I guess, what we’ve learned today is; Video Games are NOT Novels. The more you try to Novelize the Video game the more ridiculous the stories will become and the less video game there’ll be.


strongly disagree. why do people think movies and games cant have good stories. and if you think d3 has a novel story you clearly dont read much
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88 Human Death Knight
4460
Posts: 278
06/30/2012 09:33 PMPosted by wongkeiying
Announcer: And there you have it. I guess, what we’ve learned today is; Video Games are NOT Novels. The more you try to Novelize the Video game the more ridiculous the stories will become and the less video game there’ll be.


jay wilson doesn't know what he is doing
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88 Human Death Knight
4460
Posts: 278
07/01/2012 08:33 AMPosted by Patar
strongly disagree. why do people think movies and games cant have good stories. and if you think d3 has a novel story you clearly dont read much


the diablo 3 storyline was a terrible TERRIBLE attempt at having an engaging and full story with characters and plot and backstabbing and all that jazz.

The OP was simply stating that when a few game designers and hack writers get together to try and make a convoluted mess into a game storyline, they are destined to fail.
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39 Draenei Paladin
230
Posts: 338
06/30/2012 09:32 PMPosted by wongkeiying
Tyreal: You cannot Judge me, for I am justice itself!


I friggin' lol'd. Hard.
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85 Orc Shaman
2615
Posts: 97
Hah, this whole thread is just... I lol'd.

Well played, good sir.
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