Diablo® III

WD FULL GEAR GIVEAWAY. And it doesn't suck.

Q.How do you fit and elephant into a phone booth?

A. Take the F out of safe and the F out of way.

Q.What does a camera and a condom have in common ?

A. They are both there to capture that special moment.

Q. Why did the girl fall of the swing?

A. She had no arms ( have to picture it)
- a witchy ditty, to the tune of...well you know it. and if you don't, it doesn't matter...
(Crash Test Dummies http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfsgN1mBu4M)
(or some Weird Al...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dU95v23MQ4c)

Once, there was this wiiiitch whooo
Saw a falling star one day so busted out his voodoo.
And when, he finally got theeere
Old man Cain had star dust all over his bottom!
They didn't know how to use it,
So they wiped it on his mooojooo.

Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.
(my spirit grows vast...)
Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.

Then, the mojo traaansfooormed
Into a little demon frog that could speak and fight and tongue loot!
But, he was so looonely
He'd only help the witch if they could find him a girlfriend.
So they left for the deep depths of hell
To find more sparkly buuuttt duuuust.

Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.
(my strike is true!)
Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.

When, they finally gooot theeere
A nasty sexy spider lady blocked them from getting butt dust!
The witch knew he was toooo weeeak
To chop her up to little bits and finish his assignment.
So he hurled the frog right at her
Who crit hit with his looong tooongguue...

Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.
(So close now, soo clooose...)
Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.

When, the queen had fiiiniiished
She was so excited that she brought in all her daughters!
The frog winked at our wiiitch frieeend
And they both knew that the dark deal had been accomplished.
The frog said he would come back,
And they gathered up their craaap raaares.

Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.
(Y'know, I tried the adventuring life...)
Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.

Last, they found Diaaablooo(w).
Who was decidedly grotesque, but had a certain female charm.
So, they got down and diiirtyyy
With a slam dance zero dogs pile on and fetish build!
But they zoned into a darker realm
And died quick to their shadooow tooongues.

Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.
(Our evil undoes us!)
Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.

Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.
(Our death comes!)
Mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm, mmmm mmmm mmmm mmmm.

Post Script: If selected, I will sing, record, and post this song in exchange for the full set.
Edited by Rookfire#1611 on 3/21/2013 3:49 PM PDT
http://us.battle.net/d3/en/forum/topic/8402640279 Enjoy.
I have an extremely small peen in real life which has lead to many dark thoughts and some awkward pants down moments in front of the female species. It isn't the laughing, teasing or the "is it in" comments received that get me down, it is the fact that self pleasure is incredibly difficult as there is only so much my pinkie and thumb can thrust without me bursting into tears.

On the flip side, I have a 10 inch tongue and have learned to breathe through my ears!
I'm from California and I was visiting southern California, you know the beaches, summer time, hot women (and men) all around, well many were plastic, but whatever.

Some friends and I were out near the beach. I brought my roller blades because I wanted to go skating down by the beaches. We managed to rent skates for everyone. Good, we go out roller blading, eating, relaxing; it was a good day.

Now it's getting kind of late in the afternoon and so we're getting ready to leave. My friend only skated a few times so he was kind of slow and awkward to begin with. I made him wear a helmet. We're getting ready to go to the parking lot and suddenly he falls. I almost break out in a hearty laughter, but I choke it down as I see his face cringe in real pain as he yelps. Turns out his hip was dislocated.

So we call the paramedic and I guess a doctor or nurse or paramedic comes out and he knows how to pop his dislocated hip back in. Then we can transport him to the clinic to get fixed up.
So I've had dislocated shoulders before, I know how painful it is, and I know how great the relief is when it gets popped back in. It's like a wave of euphoria washing down me, like the feeling of that first gulp of good beer I was looking forward to.

So anyways, the doc lines him up, we have him bite a leather wallet, and POP.
But oh !@#$ did the color leave my friend's face quickly as he screamed out bloody murder. The doc is panicking, my friend is passing out, I'm freaking out, is he dead?

So it turns out his ball's nerves are caught in the hip joint. Like getting kicked in the balls but the pain doesn't subside.

The doc now has to re-dislocate the hip, massage it, and then carefully relocate it back in.

I didn't uncross my legs for a week after that one.

p.s. Just give the gear to the runner up. I clearly have the best story and I clearly don't need any gear.
Edited by MCP#1477 on 3/21/2013 8:09 PM PDT
A dog's daily journal

5:30am: Started the day as a hero!  When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber -- the impact indicating the paper was much heavier than normal -- I realized that no one in the house was yet awake!  I roused my master by licking him in the face.  He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms.  His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: He didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee.  He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

7:30am: Invaders!  The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house.  Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them from limb to limb it they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion.  This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn.  My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily.  I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.
10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had, for some reason, slid over a few feet.  It's not easy being a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world!  While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter.  It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth.  The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center.  I don't
want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present.  He kept pointing at the small pieces of Styrofoam and other debris and raving in a most irrational fashion.  I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset.
When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls.  A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks.  "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto.  We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids.  Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance -- does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road?  Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack.  I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat!  On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by a car.  After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver.  I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau de roadkill.  Let Sebastian drool over Muffy -- he doesn't know what he's missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath!  My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times.  Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering.  Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home.  Ah, the life of a dog.
Just look at my name...

Q. Why did the girl fall of the swing?

A. She had no arms ( have to picture it)

Why did Sally fall off the swing?
She had no arms.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.


Keep 'em coming. Some fine posts, but I'm sure there is better out there...
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Make you laugh? No.

You will give me your gear right now, good sir.

Did it work? No? *Fades away*
Just did a MP5 speed run with gear/build - goes like hot p!ss through snow. Get on it. Nice score for a lower doc.
A school bus carrying the senior class of an all girls catholic school crashed and everyone died. Next thing they know, all the girls are standing in line at the pearly gates waiting their turn to speak to St. Peter. He asks the first girl in line "have you ever come in contact with a male pen is?". She replies..."yes, I once touched one with the tip of my finger." He told her to dip her finger into this bowl of holy water and all will be forgiven. The next girl is asked the same question and she replies..."yes, I once held one in my hand. St. Peter tells her to dip her whole hand into the bowl of holy water and all will be forgiven. Suddenly, one of the girls comes rushing from the back, knocking everyone out of her way to get to the front of the line. Why such impatience St. Peter asks her? I have to gargle some of that holy water, she says, before Linda gets up here and dips her azz in it
Edited by UMF#1423 on 3/22/2013 1:58 AM PDT
There is so much junk here I shouldn't be laughing at, but I am.
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Take a look at the monk skill calculator, then read post #'s 8, 10, 12, 16, and 19:


It's pretty much my proudest moment related to D3...

Edited by gotaplanstan#1369 on 3/22/2013 4:28 AM PDT
Posts: 7,266
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In other words, you'll find splinters of the devouring swarm that is my humor in that thread.

But as we all know, death is life which is the final gift involved in the circle of life. The frightening aspect of all this is that I have a slight phobia of writing which often results in an umbral shock to my system when the darkness tries to swallow my soul.

Unfortunately my WD currently suffers from languish and mass hysteria when considering 0 dogs item prices. Perhaps the new itemization changes coming in the future will help alleviate the painful transformation I've been trying to make from playing Monk solely, to playing both classes! No more angry chicken dances or blood rituals late at night for me... Even now though, whenever I get on my WD I get such a rush of essence as it feels like every time I'm embarking on a brand new vision quest.
Edited by gotaplanstan#1369 on 3/22/2013 6:04 AM PDT
A baby Polar Bear goes up to his Mom and says, "Mom? Am I really 100% pure polar bear?"
She says, "Of course you are! If you don't believe me, go ask your old man."

The baby Polar bear goes up to his dad and says, "Dad? Am I really 100% pure polar bear?"

His father says, "Of course you are! I'm 100% pure, your mother is 100% pure. My parents are both 100% pure. Your mother's parents are both 100% pure. My grandparents, both sides, were 100% pure, your mother's grandparents, both sides, were 100% pure...why do you ask?"

The baby Polar bear says, "Cuz I'm @#$%^&* FREEZING."

That's a cute joke. I told that joke to my grandmother, but of course, I left out the @#$%^&*.

And she turned to me and said, "Hehehe that's funny honey - 'course the way I heard it the baby polar bear said he was @#$%^&* freezing.
I don't even have a Witch Doctor. I just really enjoy telling jokes. I guess it's a little bit like a man going to the gynecologist...just for "the experience."

How do you set up a Polish guy in a nice small business?
You put him in a big business, and you wait.

Sorry if that offended anyone..it's really my favorite one of those.

A Wizard steps onto the battlefield. He launches a barrage of tornadoes, freezing every thing in sight, while hammering at his targets with lethal chain explosions emitting from his person. 15 minutes later, the dude can barely blow out a candle, his freeze is like an air conditioner that has run out of freon, and his farts are the most explosive thing emitting from his body. Now you know the life of the wizard from 1.0.1-->1.0.7 (yes I know we got it to work..only took a doctorate in physics and mathematics for us to figure out how though)

A man is walking down the beach and a genie appears before him after he accidentally kicked the lamp, buried in sand.

The genie says, "Oh my! I feel terrific! I was locked in there FOREVER. You sir, get one wish, anything you want."

The man pulls out a map of the Middle East, points at it and says to the genie, "Can you bring peace to this part of the world?"

The genie says, "Oh I don't know...they were fighting there for thousands of years before I even got trapped in the lamp..can you wish for something else?"

The man thinks long and hard and finally says, "Can you make it so once a month my wife will voluntarily sleep with me?"

The Genie looks at the man blankly and says, "Let me see that map, again."
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