The Nokar: Rising

Joeyray's Bar
WARNING: THIS STORY IS NOT LINKED TO ANY LORE INCLUDING STARCRAFT, OR ANY OTHER GAME. ANY RELATIONS IS A COINCIDENCE. (i created this "faction" in Cortex and is 1 of my many factions. So the way they are, are based on the Zerg, but I'm just saying the story isn't linked to Starcraft lore and such)

A long time ago, long before man had reached the stars. There was a world, filled with demon-like creatures, known as the Vorchada. They conquered many, and thrived. Their lord, king, god, deity, all of the sort, Ketour had a son, Vorcha. He named him after his great empire. But one dark day (or in this case light) a race of light beings called the Guardians eradicated them from existence. Vorcha, still an infant looked almost human. They sensed energy in him, thinking he was a human Adept (basically a psionic) they took him and raised him.

After a few years passed, he started to show unholy growths, such as dark veins, horns and a hardened skin. He was chased from their home, and managed to steal a ship and barely go to the remains of his home planet. His once immortal species, reduced to ash by the light. He found some old books, and he found one that would be suitable to his plan. He channeled the energy of darkness, and claimed the essence of his people. He used this essence, and hid for centuries. He was growing a new empire, an empire of foul, demonic creatues. He named his children the Nokar. He used the essence of his people, some of his blood, and whats left of the charred carcasses of his people, and created the Slave.

The Slave is the basic worker of them. They lay down thier lives to ravage themselves to form structures. The first created the Nokar Greater Chamber, it was started with the genetic coding of the "structure", the Slave created a foundation of bone, then build on that bone a sturdy tissue covering, and then the hard, armored carapace, and finally the internal components. The center of all activity, controlled by the mind of Vorcha. He also created the Nokar Stemlen. This small worm-like creature contains the genetic make-up of all Nokar forms to be stored in the Great Chamber. With only 5 he created an army of insect-like melee creatures Nokar Warriors now entitled the Ancients.

Through this swarm of warriors, he claimed a planet inhabited by a simple race resembling humanoid reptiles, he conquered them. But, he saw that they had natualy strong skin. They defended themselves (to no avail) with bones that protruded out of their arms. Vorcha took that ability, and changed it in a structure designed for the evolution of his race, and make the first of the Razor Clan, the Nokar Razor Archer. Rather than using the spines as a melee weapon, he manages to add muscles in the arms of them to have them rapidly shift causing a reaction that ends in the result of a dangerous projectile. Yet, the downside of this "genetic modification" the new creature had no energy to walk after fighting, so Vorcha adjusted them, into a more snake-like movement style. The muscles can move more smoothly, allowing speed, and the ability to attack. The Nokar have a long journey ahead of them, a path of destruction, and evolution.

More later. Please leave comments.
-Korozain

EDIT: I will post whenever convenient, not every day.
I like it so far, can't wait to see where this goes.
Damn, I forgot about this. Time to go to work. *cracks knuckles*
I'd call this a necro if it wasn't your story.
"Necro" ?
Look at when I made comment. It was three months ago. When I first started RPing.
Hehe. Wow. From the way you do, I thought you'd been for a long time.
Do what? o_0
RP, you are quite good.
Oh, well, thanks.
Yeah, I assumed you had been RPing for years XD

Korozain, this sentence makes no sense:

A world, filled with demon-like creatures, known as Vorchada.


It needs to be, "A world was filled with demon-like creatures known as Vorchada"

Or, "There was a world that was filled with demon-like creatures known as the Vorchada."

Here's why:

A world, filled like demon-like creatures, known as the Vorchada.

When you put a dependent clause(Underlined) in the middle of a sentence you have to make sure the Independent clause(Italicized) can stand on its own. The independent clause, in this case, can't stand on its own. If you just have:

A world, known as the Vorchada. Changes the meaning, then the subject is "the world" instead of "Vorchada"

Didn't mean to get all grammarish on ya ;) Just wanted to make sure you understood that or your writing wont make any sense.

As always, lots of smileys :))))
You realize you're the only person who noticed right? Also, I haven't been here a super long time. Been RPing a while, but just not here.
Same here. I showed up only a few months prior to Zarkun and company (I think of them as the Crymson Gang).
I'm the only one from my generation who is still here.
I came into existence towards the end of the HBRB Era (see JoeyRay's History).
Ah hem. Gentlemen, I believe this conversation should be moved over to the bar. We wouldn't want to ruin someones thread, now would we? (smiles wickedly)
Meant to make it "There was a world, filled with demon-like creatues known as the Vorchada."

And you didn't need to be THAT specific about it, I do take Pre-AP English...
Hmph. I was reading at college level when I was in sixth grade.

*struts pompously*
I started reading R. A. Salvatore books in 4th grade. Stopped recently because I've been readin the starcraft books.
Hate to be a buzz kill, but I was college level in 3rd grade. *Sips rum.* Then I became a pirate.

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