Devroy Manufacturing

Joeyray's Bar
This is my first story based on Starcraft. It is about Markus Devroy. My favorite RP character I have created. Please point out the following:

-Spelling errors
-Grammer errors
-Improvement margin
-Things that dont make any sence
-Things that are awesome and I should keep doing.

Also it'd be kinda cool if you gave me some advice and tell me your reaction to the story. THANKS!
“Okay, on target in five.” Jaina said over the radio.
“Roger” Markus replied.

Good evening Devroy. Those words kept ringing in Markus’ head. They were the words of his fathers assailant. Whenever Markus went on a mission like this he always had this phrase ringing in his head. Like a monster, looming in the darkness, Markus’ memory became clearer and clearer.
Markus was sitting in his father’s office waiting for him to come back with a special surprise. Through the door he could hear his assailants footsteps.
“Have a good evening, Devroy.” Said his assailant. Seconds after a gunshot was heard from just outside the door and then a thud. Screams and panic ensued. Markus did what anyone would do. He stood up and opened the door to see his father laying in a pool of his own blood. He was focusing hard to breathe, but managed to beckon to his beloved, only son. “I love you” He barely mustered. A tear ran down Markus’ cheek. “Ron-” The man coughed and groaned. “Ron Hiemer” He looked into his son’s eye. “Don’t be afraid, Markus.” With that, he closed his eyes.

“Markus!” Jaina yelled over the earpiece “Now!” Markus snapped out of his daydream and peered through the sights of his rifle. The crosshairs lay directly upon the heart of his target.
“Clear?”
“Clear!”
Markus squeezed the trigger and the rifle jerked back with a loud bang. Panic ensued once again bringing Mark back into his daydream.

“Your father was a good man.” Mr. Vente assured Markus on the day of his funeral. Mr. Vente was now in charge of Markus’ fathers business. Markus didn’t say anything. He just wept. A few minutes later Kye came to Markus. Kye was Mr. Devroy’s most trusted assistant, he also happened to be his closest friend.
“I think your father would want you to have this.” Kye handed Markus a box. “Protect it well and it will protect you well.”
Mark couldn’t stop thinking about the box all the way home. Kye had warned him to only open it when the time was right, but when was that time? What did Kye mean when he said “And it will protect you well?” When Markus got home there were heavily armed guards all around Devroy Manor. The manor that was now his, but Markus didn’t want the manor. It reminded him of his father, the only family he had left.
“What are these guards here for?” He asked the driver. The driver looked at the man in the passenger seat in a tux.
“For your protection.” He said without emotion and only a little hesitation. The car stopped at an energy gate. The driver rolled down the window and punched in a number. The shield deactivated and the gate was opened. When Markus got out of the car three men came down the steps of the manor and came up to Markus. The one on the left and right were in marine carbine suits. Markus had only seen them on T.V. until now.
“I think you might want what I have to offer you.” Said the man in the middle. Mark just stood silent. “You need somewhere to go, someone to be, something to do. I can offer all of those things and give you a job that pays well, and a bright future.” Markus fell silent trying to think. He couldn’t think since his father died.
“What makes you think I need any of that?” He asked timidly.
“Do you know what your father did for a living?” There was a pause. Lightning struck and thunder was heard. Rain started to fall from the dark, grey, cloudy sky.
“He was the owner of Devroy Manufacturing. A respectable company built-” Mark stopped because the man had a wicked grin on his face.
“Do you really know what your father did for a living?” Markus was confused. What did this man mean? Who was he? Where did he come from?

Morning arose and the butler was knocking on Mark’s door. Mark let him in and the butler told him that the same man from last night was offering him a ride somewhere and that he would know what he was talking about. Markus took the box Kye gave him and walked downstairs to the front door where the man was. He opened the door and there stood the man.
“Are you ready to venture past your wildest dreams and live the life your father did?”
“Yes” Mark responded.
“Then come with me.” They both entered the car and drove for what seemed like days to a military controlled starport. They then took a shuttle to Thunis. That trip did take a day. After they arrived at some sort of training grounds on an island that wasn’t on any maps Markus began training.

Markus didn’t remember any details of his next four years. Only that they were all filled with onerous training fifteen hours a day. He did remember going into his fathers room in the station. Seeing all his fathers equipment. Learning for the first time in his life that his father was a professional mercenary who was secretly manufacturing weapons to the Umojan Protectorate. It was still unclear who killed his father, but it had to have been an enemy of the Umojan Protectorate. After Markus’ training in every weapon was completed. He sold everything he owned to buy the best equipment in existence.

“Wake up, Markus!” Jaina was yelling over his HUD. “You have to move, NOW! Confederate guards are advancing on your position! Get to the extraction point, and fast!” Mark shook his head to clear his thoughts. He then disassembled his C-11 far range, enhanced scope, tricked out canister rifle and put it back in his case. He then put his case in his backpack. After gathering himself and standing up on the rooftop he was on he heard a guard say
“Someone was spotted on the rooftop over here!” They looked up just in time to see Markus running from rooftop to rooftop.
“There he is!” They yelled “Open fire!” Bullets wizzed by at alarming speeds. Three rooftops later he was confident he couldn’t dodge all these bullets for long. He would have to take offensive. Markus whipped out his Devroy Manufactured 9mm handgun out of his holster and aimed it at the first guard he saw. It took two shots to take him down. He carefully unloaded nine more before reloading. He had killed eight guards and could hear more coming. He continued to run.
“Evac. truck’s ETA fifteen seconds.” Jaina warned.
“Perfect” Markus muttered.

More guards started firing in his direction. Good thing I am just a ghost in the night with this cloaking device. Only the most advanced tech could see glimpses of him when he moved. Then again, they had the most advanced tech. He had reached the end of the rooftops, which means its time for a jump. Markus jumped exactly how he was trained to jump. Through the air with extreme precision he landed on a semi truck. He rolled to the back of the trailor and opened the door. he climbed in and closed it. The truck was full of pillows and mattresses. With force, he was pushed to the wall. Whatever truck he was in, obviously made it to the Freight Starport. The Freight Starport was where all the trucks went and unloaded their cargo into a freight ship to be unloaded on other worlds.
“Im on the truck” Markus told Jaina. Jaina rerouted the freight ship and the truck was transported to the middle of a command post. Markus took a deep breath and walked to his appartment without a word. He quickly undressed and collapsed on his bed.
Whew, thats long! Please tell me what you think! Especially you Smylez! You are into this stuff and I respect your opinion!
08/31/2012 08:59 PMPosted by MarkusDaWise
After Markus’ training in every weapon was completed. He sold everything he owned to buy the best equipment in existence.


So he is the son of a famous manufacturer. That would make him very rich to begin with. Why would he need to sell everything he owned to buy the best equipment? Even if Mr. Vente is in charge of the business, Markus should still get a cut of it. It seems odd that the best equipment cost an absurd amount.

08/31/2012 08:59 PMPosted by MarkusDaWise
Learning for the first time in his life that his father was a professional mercenary who was secretly manufacturing weapons to the Umojan Protectorate.


Seems like you could have elaborated how that happened and we get to see how Markus felt about that revelation but you didn't. Missed chance. It feels rushed.

08/31/2012 08:59 PMPosted by MarkusDaWise
Good thing I am just a ghost in the night with this cloaking device.


If you are trying to tell us the character's thoughts use italics for these forum's purposes.

08/31/2012 08:59 PMPosted by MarkusDaWise
The warp gate highway was a special tech used to teleport trucks from one side of the planet to another.


I'll let you slide on this one
09/01/2012 08:46 AMPosted by smylez
So he is the son of a famous manufacturer. That would make him very rich to begin with. Why would he need to sell everything he owned to buy the best equipment? Even if Mr. Vente is in charge of the business, Markus should still get a cut of it. It seems odd that the best equipment cost an absurd amount.


Well, including his appartment complex that consisted of an entire island. And mr. Vente taking over the company. I assumed it would pan out.

09/01/2012 08:46 AMPosted by smylez
Seems like you could have elaborated how that happened and we get to see how Markus felt about that revelation but you didn't. Missed chance. It feels rushed.


it WAS rushed. It was three pages long and I felt that nobody would read it if it was too long. It seems as though I was right.

09/01/2012 08:46 AMPosted by smylez
If you are trying to tell us the character's thoughts use italics for these forum's purposes.


Simply forgot. Thanks!

09/01/2012 08:46 AMPosted by smylez
I'll let you slide on this one


What do you mean? It is kinda unrealistic, but so is SC. I think it would be possible with protoss technology.
"But how much Protoss technology do you think Terrans have?"
Enough to make a warp highway I would imagine. This is not that far of a stretch guys.
"Kinda is. The most technology of Protoss Terrans have is a plasma rifle."
And Warp Gates are highly advanced even to the Protoss. I think. If I remember correctly, they still use those on their older planets, of the technology that survived the many wars.
09/01/2012 05:24 PMPosted by ShadowFury
"Kinda is. The most technology of Protoss Terrans have is a plasma rifle."
What about the Automated Refineries in the campaign that teleport Vespene to your Command Center?
"I don't think those wouldn't be powerful enough to send barrels filled gas more than 6 yards in lore terms. So it would stress to send even a smart car 2 yards. Plus it was only the Raiders."
Terrans DO have warp tech. Ya know, so they can light speed and stuff.
"That is very advanced technology only the most powerful of Battlecruisers. Not even a Command Center has that. So I doubt that it is possible, any government would waste their most advanced of technologies on civilians."
09/01/2012 11:05 PMPosted by ShadowFury
That is very advanced technology only the most powerful of Battlecruisers. Not even a Command Center has that. So I doubt that it is possible, any government would waste their most advanced of technologies on civilians.


ALL battlecruisers have it. Command Centers dont have it because they arn't meant to go in space. Incase you havn't noticed, they dont even have an air lock. Besides it wouldn't be "wasting their most advanced of technologies" Who ever said it was a government project?
My verdict for your first post...... FANTASTIC! Plenty of action and story in it. Although I doubt Terrans have warp gate streets.
"The miniature ones wouldn't. And there is a extremely long cool down for a Battlecruisers warp drive. And it would be extremely expensive. So no civilian warp highway."
alright, fine! So the warpgate highway was a bad idea! XD Thanks guys!
You would be better off just removing the warp highway altogether. Terrans do not have that kind of tech available for commercial use, especially since this seems to be set in pre-Brood War. Devroy is in for a long ride.

Other than that, I like it. You have great potential.
Thanks Thunder! I did just remove it altogether! Hey, are you Duke?
No he isn't. Thundercrash has been around a long time.

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