The original Brewfest tradition

General Discussion
Many centuries ago, we had a great Brewfest tradition. In fact, it was one of the more popular ideas in Azeroth and word of it went to Draenor and even went through the mists of Pandaria. At least it did, before the Gnome-Controlled Media forced a change.

Yes, I'm talking about the annual Cracking of the Gnomes. It was such a beautiful event during Brewfest. We'd each have one Gnome apiece. Then, they'd get cracked open and we eat the juicy innards of the Gnome.

The many races of Azeroth declared a standing peace during this time, and many a Gnome were shared between members of the future Horde and members of the future (current) Alliance. The Dark Iron Dwarves, no friend to Alliance or Horde members, came up and shared Gnomey goodness with the rest of Azeroth. One time, even the Lich King called for the Scourge to stop their merciless attacks during the Cracking of the Gnomes, as Arthas was quite fond of this great tradition. He then descended from icy Northrend in order to partake of succulent Gnome in a time of universal peace.

Unfortunately, the Gnome-Controlled Media (GCM) decided that the rest of Azeroth shouldn't have this festival. They decided peace, even a short-term peace, was completely uncalled for! They ran ads condemning the Cracking of the Gnomes. They devoted hours and hours of Azerothian programming about how eating Gnomes was "barbaric" and "cruel." Through this onslaught, the other races of Azeroth persevered and continued this great tradition called the Cracking of the Gnomes.

Unfortunately, the Gnomes and their GCM decided that enough was enough. They actually went on air one day and slaughtered a Tauren, an Orc, and a Night Elf. Then, in a savage display of media power, they ate them, saving their still beating hearts for Gelbin Mekkatorque who ate them as the blood poured down his frothy white beard. The citizens of Azeroth watched in shock, completely unable to help their friends who were eaten by a gang of horrific Gnomes while an all-Gnome audience cheered the savage display of brutality.

Even Sylvannas Windrunner was traumatized by such a disgusting display of media power (and that is saying something!). She said "The scum" of Mekkatorque and the Gnome-Controlled Media "is more dangerous than the Lich King himself." She went even further to say that even Arthas stopped the bloodshed at least once during Brewfest, but the "savage" GCM was absolutely power mad and completely out of control. The Banshee Queen ordered the Forsaken to eat them at every opportunity. To this day, Forsaken are required to slaughter and eat any Gnome they can see. If their heart is still beating, they are required to eat it raw in front of other, captured Gnomes to inspire terror. Apparently, terrified Gnomes taste very good.

The Alliance forces were equally shocked by the terrorist attacks of the GCM. They hastily went to work against this monstrosity by collecting bandages for the doctor. It was clear that the doctor was a very busy person at this time, since the Gnomes irradiated themselves to prevent future Cracking of the Gnome ceremonies. In addition, there was a boar epidemic in Alliance territories and those boars needed destroyed once again. The GCM claimed responsibility for the boars.

While it was true the Alliance did gain a small foothold and even captured Mekkatorque to pay for the GCM's heinous crime, it was too late. The GCM had won and Mekkatorque was released. The Gnomes joined the Alliance that once ate them and to this day are the secret power behind every Alliance and Horde decision ever made. The Cracking of the Gnomes was no longer celebrated, but something else was put in its place.

It is to this very day that The Tapping of the Keg is celebrated, permanently replacing The Cracking of the Gnomes. It is also to this very day that the Dark Iron Dwarves interrupt Brewfest festivities, for they know the truth. They still celebrate The Cracking of the Gnomes and only wish to share a time when Azeroth knew true world peace.

So this year at The Tapping of the Keg, remember this long-lost piece of history, brought to you by Whyvette.

(more history in post #5)
The GCM is actively trying to suppress any knowledge of The Cracking of the Gnomes. The races of Azeroth also attempt to cover this up for fear of a new GCM event. However, the denizens of Azeroth have a right to know.
Either creative genius, or a complete moron. Cannot tell O_o
09/28/2012 08:52 PMPosted by Juststabd
Either creative genius, or a complete moron. Cannot tell O_o


I believe you have been influenced by the Gnome-Controlled Media.
So why do the Dark Iron Dwarves still celebrate The Cracking of the Gnomes?

The GCM inspired fear in almost every single being in Azeroth. When news of the televised slaughter reached the Dark Iron Dwarves, they just didn't care. They realized that living with Ragnaros nearby in the Molten Core was enough fear for them. The group was literally unafraid of their threats.

They were completely unafraid of the GCM and its threats of more televised slaughter. The Dark Irons even went on record to state they would never surrender to a bunch of delusional, juicy, succulent Gnomes. They even started DITV in an attempt to present balanced news against the onslaught of the GCM. However, the GCM proved to be too much and DITV is now only viewable from Blackrock Mountain.

It was then that the Gnomes with their horrible media did them in. They actually broadcasted that the Dark Iron Dwarves were attempting to acquire Yellow Cake Elementium in an attempt to wipe Lordaeron from the face of Azeroth. Both Sylvannas and King Wrynn didn't want this to happen, albeit for different reasons.

This sealed the Dark Iron Dwarves' fate--Blackrock was decimated and Dagran Thaurissian was slaughtered. To make things even worse, the event was televised by the GCM, to even wilder cheering from the bloodthirsty Gnomes that started it all.

Corin Direbrew saw this spectacle and decided then and there that the Dark Iron Dwarves would continue to celebrate The Cracking of the Gnomes. For many years, this was held in secret, using the remains of The Grim Guzzler as their base of operations. Each Brewfest, five Gnomes would disappear to be cracked and eaten in a joyous display. This, however, would not last.

The GCM caught wind of this event still going on and used the media against Direbrew. They found five children (one of each: Human, Dwarf, Orc, Tauren, and somehow even found one Forsaken Undead child) and brainwashed them with their Gnomish Mind Control Caps. The deluded children said that Direbrew molested them on national television.

Azeroth stood in shock at this lie. They couldn't believe it at first, since Direbrew was very nice and neutral to both the Alliance and Horde. However, the Gnomes kept drawing attention to this fabricated news item.

Both The Alliance and The Horde made it clear--Direbrew must die!
Even today, Azeroth is shocked at this information. The following are reactions from some faction leaders:

Garrosh Hellscream--"I will personally disembowel you if you ever bring this truth up again!"

Sylvannas Windrunner--"Those (expletives deleted) Gnomes shall be eaten and their screams shall be heard throughout Azeroth!"

Varian Wrynn--"Shut up! They have microphones everywhere!"

Tyrande Whisperwind--"No comment." (note--she used Shadowmeld to remove herself from sight)

It is clear that the Gnomes and their Gnome-Controlled Media must be stopped.
09/29/2012 07:10 PMPosted by Skinlesscorp
No. The Forsaken dominate it now. The gnomes are our slaves. You will be assimilated. Resistence is futile.


Even the Forsaken are subject to the decisions of the Gnomes and the GCM. I'm sorry, but it is true.
My investigative team has scoured Azeroth for the identities of the children used in the Gnome attack on Corin Direbrew. The ad itself blurred the images of the children "to protect their identity."

So far we have only found one--the child they claimed was Forsaken Undead was actually just Undead. Her name is Pamela Redpath.
09/28/2012 08:52 PMPosted by Juststabd
Either creative genius, or a complete moron. Cannot tell O_o

Genius.

Long live the cracking of the gnomes!
09/30/2012 10:02 AMPosted by Skinlesscorp


Even the Forsaken are subject to the decisions of the Gnomes and the GCM. I'm sorry, but it is true.

No we're not. Dude, we EAT THE GNOMES. Ever seen our winter veil parties?


You eat the Gnomes because Sylvannas vowed revenge for the disgusting display the GCM did.


You eat the Gnomes because Sylvannas vowed revenge for the disgusting display the GCM did.

We own it. The owner of all media on Azeroth is a Forsaken.


I don't buy it. I think it's just a crazy conspiracy cooked up by the GCM to try and silence the Forsaken.

Be careful--look at what happened to their previous targets.
Would read again.
09/30/2012 10:31 AMPosted by Jadrelak
Would read again.


Don't forget to upvote this Azeroth history lesson. As Lor'themar Theron nicely phrases it, "If you don't like it, the Gnome Controlled Media terrorists win!"

The team is still attempting to discover the identities of the other brainwashed children. As we find out more information, I will reveal it here.
Definately requesting a sticky. Pure. Ookin'. Win.
Bumping for justice.
09/30/2012 02:20 PMPosted by Rikunami
Definately requesting a sticky. Pure. Ookin'. Win.


We're hot on the trail finding the human child brainwashed by the Gnomes. We should have news hopefully tonight or tomorrow.
This thread is suspiciously absent of gnomes.

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