Ask Kerrigan: Advice from the Queen of Blades

Posts: 1,193
Love is Patient

Dear Kerrigan,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He can be very sweet, but he doesn't have a job and he spends every night playing video games. Whenever I ask him to spend time with me, he says he can't because it's raid night and he is the tank. I don't want to begrudge him the time he spends with his friends, but it seems like every night is raid night.

My mom says, if I love him and I am patient, he'll see what I'm worth and he'll change. But my friends say a man will never change, so I should either get used to it, or get out. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Konfused on Korhal

Kerrigan Sez:

Dear Konfused,

Your story reminds me of the time I fell in love with the acid-spewing canopy-crawlers of Forest-world VI. Whenever I tried to get close to them, they fired jets of hot bile at me and then went scampering off through the treetops. But I knew how to make them come around; I ordered my cerebrates to build a hive cluster, and then we systematically consumed all the organic life, until the entire planet was barren and covered with creep. We've since incorporated the genetic material of the canopy crawlers into our new banelings, and I just couldn't be happier.

The moral of the story is this: if you wait for a man to change, you'll be waiting forever, no matter how much you love him. You must force him to assimilate. Once you do, he will be compliant, although he will have a slightly increased tendency to explode.

But, whatever happens with your boyfriend, keep in mind that it won't matter in the long run. The Zerg are going to kill all of you anyway.

Keep the faith, Sister.
Kerrigan

Career Change


Dear Kerrigan,

Since I was a young Protoss, I always wanted to be a Dragoon. As soon as I was of age, I applied to Dragoon school, and after seven years of rigorous training, I achieved my goal. I got everything I thought I wanted, and I've never been so unhappy.

Being a dragoon seems glamorous from a distance, but much of the day-to-day work is unpleasant and distasteful. And the recession has really pinched dragooning opportunities; there have been numerous rounds of layoffs in my company, and if they can cut the templars, nobody is safe. I've been having panic attacks.

I really want to leave my job and do something different, but I'm so heavily invested in my career. I have a lot of student debt, and my body is physically fused into the dragoon exoskeleton.

Is there a way to be happy doing what I'm doing? Is it crazy for me to consider a career change?

Sincerely,
My Life For Aiur

Kerrigan Sez:

Dear Aiur,

The solution to your problem is the same as the solution to most other problems: the Swarm. We have experienced professional zerglings on call 24/7 to dismantle your exoskeleton. We also offer the fastest retraining program in the galaxy, available to you at no charge. You won't believe how quickly you'll be put to use serving the Swarm!

And you have my guarantee that once you make the decision to walk into a hive of Zerg, you'll never have to worry about your student loans or your career prospects again.

Remember: The Zerg are just here to help.

Kisses,
Kerrigan

My blogs are http://somethingpersuasive.blogspot.com and http://biggerthankologarn.blogspot.com

And I tweet at http://twitter.com/DanFriedman81
Edited by Crawford on 8/20/2010 2:59 PM PDT
Posts: 801
LMAO...this is going to be a full of wins
Posts: 1
Definitely full of win. Awesome breath of fresh air, compared to the day to day complaints on these forums.

Posts: 1,552
Dear Kerrigan,

How's that Zerg thing working out?

Oh. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Sincerely,
Emperor Surutcra Ksgenm
Posts: 157
LOL
Posts: 405
Dear Kerrigan,

My father and his father both served in the confederate forces, they urge me to join up for the dominion infantry program. They say it builds character and I will be able to serve my sector. All my friends disagree and tell me Emperor Mengsk is a no-good liar. They tell me if I did care about the sector I should join the notorious rebel Jim Raynor. What do?

Regards,
Acidfan
Posts: 808
Dear Kerrigan,

How's that Zerg thing working out?

Oh. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Sincerely,
Emperor Surutcra Ksgenm


Kerrigan called me up the other day and said she's going to have me hire some mercs to take you out.

Do you have a response?
Posts: 460
win
Posts: 74
Dear Kerrigan,

I replaced my arm with a cannon ready to blow your head off

Sincerely,
General Warfield
P.S Kiss my ass
Posts: 1,193
Dear Kerrigan,

My father and his father both served in the confederate forces, they urge me to join up for the dominion infantry program. They say it builds character and I will be able to serve my sector. All my friends disagree and tell me Emperor Mengsk is a no-good liar. They tell me if I did care about the sector I should join the notorious rebel Jim Raynor. What do?

Regards,
Acidfan


There are many fulfilling and valid life-paths you can take. Follow your heart and choose confidently among them, feeling assured that your choice will not have material long-term detrimental effects, because all paths lead to the belly of an Ultralisk.

Love,
Kerrigan
Posts: 606
Dear Kerrigan,

Would you so kindly stop killing us all and let us fire off this artifact when I'm going all in on brutal? I'm just trying to help :/

Sincerely,
Me
Posts: 99
Very well done indeed. This brought a smile to my face. :)
Posts: 1,193
Dear Kerrigan,

I replaced my arm with a cannon ready to blow your head off

Sincerely,
General Warfield
P.S Kiss my ass


I just got chitinous hair extensions, biological stiletto heels and brood lords!

Fabulously,
Kerrigan
Posts: 92
Lol @

Kisses,
Kerrigan
Posts: 3
T0T LMAO NICE p.s THE SWARM RULEZ ALL!!!
Posts: 302
Dear Kerrigan,

It has recently been tough. I had my arms and a leg ripped off by hydralisks during the Battle of Aiur, defending my homeland. I tried to get veteran's benefit and possibly a new dragoon body after the battle, but your swarm have destroyed all the vespene gas banks and the dragoon factory.

I have also tried to get into a stalker but the Dark Templar are really mean to me and the immortals say I'm "too paralyzed". Can you please leave Aiur so that I can get my veteran's benefit and a new dragoon body to show those high and might High and Dark Templars?

En Taro Tassadar,
TIMMY!
Posts: 117
Dear Kerrigan,

I've noticed that my comrades and I are quite defenseless. We are your loyal Overlords, who are vital to commanding your glorious armies, and of course we do poop this cool creep stuff. However, we are SICK and TIRED of being pushed around by every single unit that can attack air! I've seen some of my best buddies be blown to smithereens from a single marine after one of your crazy cerebrates sent him to scout! The enemy army laughs at us before slaughtering all of my friends, and by the time they are overwhelmed and absorbed by the magnificent swarm, all of my new and old friends are dead. You obviously can mutate the zerg into any sort of killing machine, so why not us Overlords? Make us flying super units, and make us much faster too. Make us an Ultra-hydra-zerg-broodalisk, with cloaking, and an ability to call down nukes, of course. I thought the last one was a given, but apparently you need to be reminded, oh gorgeous one. Once us Overlords valiantly devour and absorb all of the races in the universe, all of those zergling babes will be ours!

Humbly,
Your overlords

P.S. Could you hurry up? I... See... VIKINGS??
P.P.S. I don't think the swarm will be here in time!! START MUTATING!!
P.P.P.S. THEY'VE ARRIVED! TELL MY KIDS I L- *All that remains on the page after that is splattered overlord guts*
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