StarCraft® II

Ask Kerrigan: Advice from the Queen of Blades

Dear Kerrigan,

Will you date me;

[]Yes []No
(Please select one)

Your ever loving fanboy,
-Demagogue.
Dear Kerrigan,

As a recently burped Creep Tumor, I've lived a nice life. I got to witness some epic battles, like one where a couple Phoenixes were decimated by surprise Hydras. I even got to spawn a lil' me clone right next to a watchtower! :D

But recently... there's been some issues. I've lost some of my sparkling personality after puking little ol' Tumor II out. I guess I just feel like I've lost my inner fire, if you will. And my son (or daughter... it?) is constantly complaining about how the Xel'Naga keeps trying to whisper secrets of the lost civilizations to it. Is there any way to extract or retract it back into my charming, charming, self? Or am I doomed to deal with a meager life surrounded by burrowed Banelings who keep CONSTANTLY chanting, "Hehehehehe.... just wait for those Marines to come by... heheheheh..." ???

Yours Truly,
A Creep Tumor
Kerrigan:

Wanna be my gf some time?

You know who


Dear Anonymous,

You must know by now that with my psionic link, I can be anyone in the Swarm. Has your girlfriend been infested yet? Among the many advantages of being infested there is also the fact that she can have me with her too, to make up for her shortcomings.

Love,
Kerrigan

Dear Kerrigan,

Will you date me;

[]Yes []No
(Please select one)

Your ever loving fanboy,
-Demagogue.


Dear Demagogue,

Every time you are dating an Infested Terran, you are dating me. I must warn you, I do have very little patience for incompetence. I'm sure you've heard of the growing number of deaths surrounding those in a relationship with the infested. Now, I can't take credit for all of them, but you can be sure that I was behind some of the more creative murders. Ask yourself, do you think you could be biting off more than you can chew (to use a Terran saying)?

Love,
Kerrigan
Edited by Jev on 8/15/2010 10:29 PM PDT


Dear Concerned,

As a psychiatrist hopefully you'll be able to appreciate how easily I was able to figure out that you clearly have feelings for "James". No offense, but you came off a bit strong. Still, from what I can gather this mystery woman left quite the impression on him. Obviously she's quite strong willed, attractive, headstrong, intelligent, talented, calculating, athletic, charismatic, and just about any other quality in a woman that "James" would gravitate towards. If "James" is still broken up over her clearly their relationship went south in a very bad way and, despite this, she's still out there as a prominent force in his life, possibly in the form of a rival or an adversary.

Or, for example, and this is just off the top of my head, the Queen of an autonomous Hive Mind or the writer of an advice column.

This isn't the answer you want, but as long as this woman is out there, and I have a strong feeling that she isn't going away anytime soon, "James" won't be able to get over her. You can't "fix" "James", but at the very least you can meekly try to pile up the broken pieces into some hollow semblance of a mentally sound human being and simply shower your unrequited and un-returned love and affection onto him to satisfy your own likely "damsel in distress rescued by the hero" complex that these feeling are stemming from.

Oh, and tell "James" that he's still a pig. He'll know what it means.

~Kerrigan


This post remains the best thing on this given thread, though some others have certainly given it a run for its money. Vanguard needs to get back here and do more!
Dear Kerrigan,

As a recently burped Creep Tumor, I've lived a nice life. I got to witness some epic battles, like one where a couple Phoenixes were decimated by surprise Hydras. I even got to spawn a lil' me clone right next to a watchtower! :D

But recently... there's been some issues. I've lost some of my sparkling personality after puking little ol' Tumor II out. I guess I just feel like I've lost my inner fire, if you will. And my son (or daughter... it?) is constantly complaining about how the Xel'Naga keeps trying to whisper secrets of the lost civilizations to it. Is there any way to extract or retract it back into my charming, charming, self? Or am I doomed to deal with a meager life surrounded by burrowed Banelings who keep CONSTANTLY chanting, "Hehehehehe.... just wait for those Marines to come by... heheheheh..." ???

Yours Truly,
A Creep Tumor


Dear Tumor,

As part of our ever-living, ever-growing creep, you carry a constant and vital responsibility to the Swarm. Not only that, you've been maintaining not one but two other tumors; its no wonder you're a little testy!
Your second child complaining because it doesn't have enough to do. After all, they're here to share your burden and allow you to return to your former carefree self. Do you think your queen spawns all these creatures and would then do everything herself? By delegating her orders through the overlords, she has so much more of her charming, charming personality to offer to her friends and foes.

Soon, they will be the ones mourning their humdrum existence, and will force their own children to share their responsibilities. And so the cycle continues, as it has before you were formed and as it shall long after you have decayed.

PS: No matter how upset you get, don't take it out on the Banelings. If you think you've got problems now, wait until you see one of their tantrums!

Sincerely,
Kerrigan
Dear Kerrigan,

As a recently burped Creep Tumor, I've lived a nice life. I got to witness some epic battles, like one where a couple Phoenixes were decimated by surprise Hydras. I even got to spawn a lil' me clone right next to a watchtower! :D

But recently... there's been some issues. I've lost some of my sparkling personality after puking little ol' Tumor II out. I guess I just feel like I've lost my inner fire, if you will. And my son (or daughter... it?) is constantly complaining about how the Xel'Naga keeps trying to whisper secrets of the lost civilizations to it. Is there any way to extract or retract it back into my charming, charming, self? Or am I doomed to deal with a meager life surrounded by burrowed Banelings who keep CONSTANTLY chanting, "Hehehehehe.... just wait for those Marines to come by... heheheheh..." ???

Yours Truly,
A Creep Tumor


Surprise hydras are the bestest hydras.
Dear Kerrigan,

After the long years we have been seperated i could not resist taking advantage of your weakend state. After we used the artifacts to turn you human again, it was just too tempting holding you in my arms.. not wearing any clothes.. to resist. ;)

Your long lost love,
Jim Raynor
The silly part is your Kerrigan is more aligned with her original character than Kerrigan in SC2 :(
Dear Kerrigan,

As a Protoss warrior, I feel very awkward coming to you for advice. Any Protoss would, what with that whole "the Zerg infested and defiled our sacred homeworld" thing. None of that was your fault per se, you weren't in charge back then. But I digress.

I was once a proud Zealot with many, many, many kills notched into my belt (most of them being Zerglings and Hydralisks, and I apologize if the losses made you grieve, but that's war). Then one day not long ago, the unthinkable happened: we were out in the field and we ran ahead of our observer, and we were caught off guard by a swarm of your newest creations.

That was the day I died.

We mighty warriors have a saying: you only die twice. For as long as I can remember, it has been the tradition of the proud Protoss race to give their finest dead a second chance to enter combat. To continue serving our brethren and the Khala as the mighty Dragoon. As the acid burned away my flesh, I felt certain that I would soon return to battle to enact my vengeance against the Swarm.

Everything has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Nobody explained to us that the Dragoon Shrine had been lost when Aiur was overwhelmed. I thought, like a lot of us, that they'd simply warped it out and placed it somewhere on Shakuras. But it was gone, and with it our ability to make Dragoons altogether. When I awoke next, I was not in the quick moving, Zerg and Terran destroying walker I had grown up admiring. No, I was something called an "Immortal".

To say I'm completely despondent over the change would be a lie. For starters, I'm much bulkier than a Dragoon (and that's got a lot of the Protoss ladies happy). My shields are apparently the stuff of legends, because just the other day I took a siege tank shell right to the face and barely felt it. My cannons pack a serious punch, too. I managed to get my revenge on those Roaches that burned me alive and then some.

But I still feel like I've been reborn as half of what I could be. I had to be constructed, piece by piece in the Robotics facility, instead of placed into this mighty shell and warped in via the Gateway. I feel more like a robot than a fearsome Protoss warrior. My inability to aim upwards also seems to be quite the problem. The Probes still haven't stopped beeping at me angrily for not defending them against the Mutalisks. Sometimes I feel like it would have been better for me not to come back, or that I should have come back as a Stalker.

What should I do?

Signed,
I Return To Serve
The silly part is your Kerrigan is more aligned with her original character than Kerrigan in SC2 :(


I haven't played the SC2 campaign yet.
Sidebar: Love the chance to flex my creative muscle! :D

Dear Kerrigan,
List of Questions:
Do you use conditioner? If so, what type? (No "Blood of slain virgins" answers allowed :P)
How would you assimilate a BattleCruiser?
How would you assimilate a Mothership? What would result?
O.O --> Do you ever have that "female time of month?" <-- O.O
When you (or your minions burrow,) do you have to close your eyes?
Why do creep tumors have line of sight?
HOW DO SPINE CRAWLERS AIM???? THEY HAVE NO EYEEEEES!

and.... uh.... eh.... what would happen if a baneling ate some dynamite? :P
Dear Kerrigan,

As a Protoss warrior, I feel very awkward coming to you for advice. Any Protoss would, what with that whole "the Zerg infested and defiled our sacred homeworld" thing. None of that was your fault per se, you weren't in charge back then. But I digress.

I was once a proud Zealot with many, many, many kills notched into my belt (most of them being Zerglings and Hydralisks, and I apologize if the losses made you grieve, but that's war). Then one day not long ago, the unthinkable happened: we were out in the field and we ran ahead of our observer, and we were caught off guard by a swarm of your newest creations.

That was the day I died.

We mighty warriors have a saying: you only die twice. For as long as I can remember, it has been the tradition of the proud Protoss race to give their finest dead a second chance to enter combat. To continue serving our brethren and the Khala as the mighty Dragoon. As the acid burned away my flesh, I felt certain that I would soon return to battle to enact my vengeance against the Swarm.

Everything has gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Nobody explained to us that the Dragoon Shrine had been lost when Aiur was overwhelmed. I thought, like a lot of us, that they'd simply warped it out and placed it somewhere on Shakuras. But it was gone, and with it our ability to make Dragoons altogether. When I awoke next, I was not in the quick moving, Zerg and Terran destroying walker I had grown up admiring. No, I was something called an "Immortal".

To say I'm completely despondent over the change would be a lie. For starters, I'm much bulkier than a Dragoon (and that's got a lot of the Protoss ladies happy). My shields are apparently the stuff of legends, because just the other day I took a siege tank shell right to the face and barely felt it. My cannons pack a serious punch, too. I managed to get my revenge on those Roaches that burned me alive and then some.

But I still feel like I've been reborn as half of what I could be. I had to be constructed, piece by piece in the Robotics facility, instead of placed into this mighty shell and warped in via the Gateway. I feel more like a robot than a fearsome Protoss warrior. My inability to aim upwards also seems to be quite the problem. The Probes still haven't stopped beeping at me angrily for not defending them against the Mutalisks. Sometimes I feel like it would have been better for me not to come back, or that I should have come back as a Stalker.

What should I do?

Signed,
I Return To Serve


Dear Return to Serve,

Many of the Protoss traditions baffle me. I understand the Terran's concept of some kind of eternal glory outlasting their miserable lives, and we Zerg know that our mind and purpose shall outlive the individual members of the swarm, but outliving your own body is really a disgusting prospect. Its not even some kind of ascension of spirit, such as the way I died in New Gettysburg but live as the Queen of the Blades. You're tying yourself down to a metal shell, so eagerly abandoning your pride to walk around even after dying.

I thought the Overmind was doing your race a favor by destroying the Dragoon Shrine. I remember I did a certain warrior the favor of freeing his spirit from the shell of a Dragoon while on Korhal. Yet your stubborn leaders have seen fit to continue this abominable process, arrogantly calling you "immortals".

Perhaps it would have been best if you hadn't come back. You're still a robot piloted by a dead warrior, and it would have been that way whether you were a Dragoon or an Immortal. Regardless, you must make the best of your new existence until death frees you from your new prison.
If probes give you a hard time, consider the fact that they're just robotic drones and make easy targets for your cannons. Plus they make a cooler sound when they die than my Mutalisks. If you can't go as fast, then start a brawl instead and laugh as nobody else can hurt you. Sooner or later, time will come for you to die and you'll at least not have wasted that excuse for a second life wishing you hadn't been brought back.

And if they bring you back again... well just blow their ugly elongated heads off.

With Sympathy,
Kerrigan
Dear Kerrigan,

Any plans on making us creep more durable? I'm literally a carpet for your underlings! A moldy, breathing, wavy carpet! It would be nice for me to stop getting pooped on by the Overlords...thinking of some type of air freshener like Febreze? You know, something to make getting pooped on constantly have a good outcome to it? Also, the other day, my friend Gurgallalawl the Hatchery got killed by a small group of Terrans so an Infestor decided to burrow, and boy, did it feel disturbing. Like, I was about to kick him out! Another issue is that whenever Zerglings run across on me, it leaves holes in me, and that's not fun, espeically when I'm trying to impress the creep at the next expansion...

Warmly and all,
Your #4 base's creep, Blibblez

P.S. I'm about to be nuked, mind sending in a little help? Kthx.
Dear Kerrigan,

I'm a robot and no body loves me. Is there anything the swarm can do for me?

Systematical,
Cake=lie
Dear Kerrigan,

Any plans on making us creep more durable? I'm literally a carpet for your underlings! A moldy, breathing, wavy carpet! It would be nice for me to stop getting pooped on by the Overlords...thinking of some type of air freshener like Febreze? You know, something to make getting pooped on constantly have a good outcome to it? Also, the other day, my friend Gurgallalawl the Hatchery got killed by a small group of Terrans so an Infestor decided to burrow, and boy, did it feel disturbing. Like, I was about to kick him out! Another issue is that whenever Zerglings run across on me, it leaves holes in me, and that's not fun, espeically when I'm trying to impress the creep at the next expansion...

Warmly and all,
Your #4 base's creep, Blibblez

P.S. I'm about to be nuked, mind sending in a little help? Kthx.


Dear Blibblez,

As part of our creep, you are the most the most vital part of our swarm. Creep is constantly swirling beneath, above, into, and through our other creatures. You are the carpet beneath our feet. You are the armor over our burrowed heads. You are the fluid which lubricates our organs. You are the voice which serenades our larva. You are the bed which incubates our eggs. You are the very blood of the Swarm.

If this prestige is not for you, perhaps you might get lucky and your sentience be restricted to a mere boil on the surface of the greater canvas. Perhaps you were meant to be a creep tumor. Don't think that you can escape through death because even a nuke would not be enough to sc!*@* you away. (I sent an overseer quite some time ago, he must be taking his time) Only when you are separated from the Swarm, is your existence likely to end.

Regards,
Kerrigan
Dear Kerrigan,

Can you hear the outrage in my voice? People have been comparing me to you! I am NOTHING like you! Just because we both assimilate various races into our armies and deal often in plagues. My voice is much more sultry and although some of my biological functions have been halted I can truly say none of the...important ones have. Unlike you I am not a slave driver either, all of my subjects have free will and CHOOSE to be loyal to my lovely, perky self. Even demons enjoy my company. This may just seem like a lot of venting but it makes me want to scream and wail and LAMENT at how people compare us. My fashion sense is MUCH more developed. I mean, chitinous stilettos? Please! Any of your Zerg are free to join us if your dominating mind lifts on them for a second. They need only deliver their corpses to me and I will see that they be dealt with in a beautiful fashion.

Sincerely, SW
Edited by Okashi on 8/19/2010 10:56 PM PDT
((in the voice of the seige tank driver))
Dear Kerrigan,

I just got my license to pilot my brand new crucio seige tank, and I was welcomed warmly by everybody who was also a siege tank driver. When I expressed to the commander my eagerness to dispense some indiscrimanate jusice, he frowned at me and put me in the back. I was puzzled, and even more so when I got jumped by marines after I got a cannon with a 50% more blast radius. Nowadays, Im sent to go out ahead of everybody else to "clear the area". Im just trying to be a good siege machine! Can you please explain why Im ostricized so much?

Dropping the hammerpants,
MC
((in the voice of the seige tank driver))
Dear Kerrigan,

I just got my license to pilot my brand new crucio seige tank, and I was welcomed warmly by everybody who was also a siege tank driver. When I expressed to the commander my eagerness to dispense some indiscrimanate jusice, he frowned at me and put me in the back. I was puzzled, and even more so when I got jumped by marines after I got a cannon with a 50% more blast radius. Nowadays, Im sent to go out ahead of everybody else to "clear the area". Im just trying to be a good siege machine! Can you please explain why Im ostricized so much?

Dropping the hammerpants,
MC


The Zerg used to love you. Now we love you less. Petition to bring back "spawn broodling."
Dear Kerrigan

45 days in, we have lost a very large amount of zerg forces, however my team of terran have not gone down in numbers, although some of them are injured, the protoss are attacking in a heavy force, and we only have taken out 1/10 of their presence on this unknown planet... but why is it seem like one I know? Now I need to know if I need to wait for more zerg forces or just go full blast against the protoss.

Justin
Dear Queen of blades

I'm a changling and i have noticed we have no weapons.No claws spines and even when camoflauged we can't use there weapons.I've seen many of my friends killed when if they had claws would be a great succes.Can we mutate into something better like a...Devourlisk and spray Acid?

Yours devoted

Changling #1,800,920
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