StarCraft® II

Ask Kerrigan: Advice from the Queen of Blades

Posts: 1,133
Dear Kerrigan,

What the eff is up with Jimmy's OTT southern accent?! Where the heck did it come from? The 'roids he took between Brood War and Beta?

Love,
The Original Mar Sara Magistrate (Lost but never forgotten)


He's from southern outer space, clearly.
Posts: 1,536
Dear Kerrigan,

What the eff is up with Jimmy's OTT southern accent?! Where the heck did it come from? The 'roids he took between Brood War and Beta?

Love,
The Original Mar Sara Magistrate (Lost but never forgotten)


He's from southern outer space, clearly.


Jesusquadrant
Posts: 1,744
Oh Kerrigan, won't you be my Queen tonight?
The highness of my nydus,
that will never lift off and run all night.
For our burrow will hide us.

We can dance in the creep,
and let the Overlords seep,
As it's all right,
For I'll baneling bust your back door all night.

Can't you see, you infested my heart,
Now don't play the Reaper,
for no amount of ling micro art,
will make me admit you're not a keeper.
Posts: 100
Dear Kerrigan,

Where in sam hell have my gas mask gone to? I have to resort to these stupid goggles. Not only that, but I look like a f@#&ing dork with these goggles on, especially when I go onto the battlefield with these on. My old mask made me look more like a serious bad ass. I swear to God, if you took it, I will hunt you down and rip your blades clean off, and use them against you.

Sincerely,
A random Goliath pilot.

PS, Can I have a cookie?


Dear Goliath,

It would appear that while I have increased the gas intake my creatures receive, terrans have tried to keep the air you breathe cleaner. If you used to wear gas masks, then it was probably some stray exhaust. Now that you don't need the gas mask, they give you cheap goggles. Rest assured that were you infested, you'd have a steady intake of volatile gasses at all times to keep you at peak performance. Not to mention you'll look cooler than you ever did with a gas mask.

So no, I didn't take it. The Dominion Bureaucracy is to be blamed. Join the swarm and help us crush them before they bring the rest of the sector down to their level of inadequacy.

Kisses,
Kerrigan
Posts: 259
Oh Kerrigan, won't you be my Queen tonight?
The highness of my nydus,
that will never lift off and run all night.
For our burrow will hide us.

We can dance in the creep,
and let the Overlords seep,
As it's all right,
For I'll baneling bust your back door all night.

Can't you see, you infested my heart,
Now don't play the Reaper,
for no amount of ling micro art,
will make me admit you're not a keeper.


Parody of Don't Fear the Reaper?
Posts: 61
Dear Kerrigan

I am but a lowly changeling and obviously do not have the psionic capabilitys to lead the Zerg better then you but there is one flaw I have repeatedly noticed. Whenever I morph I turn into a horrible shade of red as if I have been stun by a thousand hornets. I would simply like to know why a spy would have such a immense distingiushing factor in my disguise.

Forever your minion, Changeling #1
Posts: 147
Dear Kerrigan,

Now that you're no longer the queen of all zerg, what are you gonna do with your time?

Sincerely,
Faust
Posts: 100
Dear Kerrigan.

I can't believe I am asking you for ANYTHING but I figure you might know this, I need to know if you know the current location of Samir Duran I know that he worked for you 4 years ago unsure if he still does as no one seems to have seen the man in years, I have unfinished business with Duran... you probably know what it is and why I want to find him so much that I am desperate enough to ask you....

Sincerely,

Former UED Vice Admiral Alexei Stukov.

P.S. know that your reign will not last forever one day the Directorate will return to rightfully claim this sector. I know it.


Hi sweetie,

Why have you not written sooner, you know I missed the brief time you were one of us. I don't normally allow second chances, but in your case I may make an exception. If you ever want to consider infestation again, let me know!
As for Duran, the less I know about him the better. Any consort who would challenge my authority and run off like that does not deserve my attention. I don't care what 'higher power' he may be working for, its our job to make sure that I an the highest power. I've been investigating a few leads, but have nothing that would help you in any way. If you find anything, be sure to let us know and while you're at it.

And please call me sometime. I have a psionic link with an entire race, so it should be pretty easy for you to get a hold of me. That you're still alive after all you've been through shows you're strong, and what a pity you aren't putting that to good use. Oh, excuse me, rambling in a public column. I hope I don't embarrass you.

With love,
Kerrigan
Posts: 1,238
Dearest Justin,

You have greatly concerned me with your apparent multiple race/personality disorder. It is uncertain to myself, my broods, and even my few remaining cerebrates that are under my iron fisted rule, who, or even what you are.

It is critically important that you relay your exact location immediately so that I can solve this dilemma with a multi-warhead multi-gigaton nuclear device acquired from the Sons of Korhal. Your remains, I can assure you with utmost honesty, will be enjoyed by Benny the Omegalisk, who likes his meat crispified and charred.

Forever yours,

Kerrigan
Posts: 62
You win! Additional generic praises to be heaped upon you!!! +10 Internets etc etc etc
Posts: 100
Dear Kerrigan,

A while ago, I adopted a larva, who soon hatched into a Zergling. I don't know why, but I think he thinks I'm his mother...
Either way, I've named him Lurker, but he refuses to be house broken, and the other Dark Templars aren't approving of Lurker's behavior. Can you recommend anything?

Sincerely Yours,
Aged and Confused.


Dear Geezer,

I know its frustrating, but the fact is that it is in the nature of the zerg to desecrate protoss property. Its not an accident, its an instinctive attack on all the things you hold sacred. As young Lurker gets older he'll probably commit further acts of sacrilege, such as chewing on memory crystals, swinging by your severed nerve cords, eating your "secret" terran magazines and regurgitating them in front of an elder, and maybe even a harmless death or two.
That said, we do have classes to help the Dark Templar learn how to cope with the members of the swarm they adopt. They are one-on-one sessions where I will meet with you personally and show you how to exert the necessary control. I assure you, what you've learned in hundreds of years will pale in comparison to what you can learn from my mind.

Regards,
Kerrigan
Posts: 48
so much better than the over-used diary of a... series. 10/10 for originality and epic win
Posts: 1,744
Oh Kerrigan, won't you be my Queen tonight?
The highness of my nydus,
that will never lift off and run all night.
For our burrow will hide us.

We can dance in the creep,
and let the Overlords seep,
As it's all right,
For I'll baneling bust your back door all night.

Can't you see, you infested my heart,
Now don't play the Reaper,
for no amount of ling micro art,
will make me admit you're not a keeper.


Parody of Don't Fear the Reaper?
Never heard it... I just kind of made that up as I went along and tried to make it rhyme. Guess I'm either a musical genius or that song just suck and nobody knows it?
Posts: 437
Dear Kerrigan,
I burn with the light of the Khala. Should I have a doctor take a look at that?

-Kinky Zealot.
Posts: 48
Dear Kerrigan,

As you know, the dominion provides all us Marines with stim-packs to increase our proficiency in combat. Well, recently the scientists aboard the cruiser I am on have experimented with several zerg dna strains to add to the stims, and have developed a more intense and addictive stim-pack- however their tests have shown that they lead to severe cases of withdraw; this coupled with the fact that they are not cheap to produce lead to them being outlawed for use

Well, a few of my close friends have recently stumbled upon a forgotten stock of these advanced stim-packs and begun to replace their standard issue ones with the illegal narcotics. Even worse they are pressuring me into joining them and using these dangerous substances! On the one hand, these will provide me with a better ability to fire my gauss rifle into your swarms of zerglings, and potentially help me grow closer to my friends, but on the other hand I do fear the damage this could lead to my body and the trouble I can get in if my commander finds out.

I also fear that if I do not use these, my friends will shun me, make me the butt of their pranks, and even worse- they might abandon me at the mouth of an ultralisk. I don't know if I should give in and use the drugs or if I should stick with the navy issues.

What advice could you give me?

'Scotty' McLand
2,541st Marine division.
Posts: 229
The first 3 diaries were awesome, but the rest were just reapeats. This is a breath of fresh air.
Posts: 100
Dear Kerrigan,
I burn with the light of the Khala. Should I have a doctor take a look at that?

-Kinky Zealot.


Dear Kinky,

Protoss doctors will probably tell you its supposed to happen. I feel sorry for the creatures that have to rely on some external influence to exercise a psionic link like that which connects me with the Swarm. I always wondered what happens if one of the protoss were allergic to the khala. Maybe that's where the Dark Templar come from?
Either separate yourself from the Khala, or have an agent from the swarm give you my eyes. I'm certain that I can do more about it than your the protoss geezers you work for.

Sincerely,
Kerrigan

Dear Kerrigan,

As you know, the dominion provides all us Marines with stim-packs to increase our proficiency in combat. Well, recently the scientists aboard the cruiser I am on have experimented with several zerg dna strains to add to the stims, and have developed a more intense and addictive stim-pack- however their tests have shown that they lead to severe cases of withdraw; this coupled with the fact that they are not cheap to produce lead to them being outlawed for use

Well, a few of my close friends have recently stumbled upon a forgotten stock of these advanced stim-packs and begun to replace their standard issue ones with the illegal narcotics. Even worse they are pressuring me into joining them and using these dangerous substances! On the one hand, these will provide me with a better ability to fire my gauss rifle into your swarms of zerglings, and potentially help me grow closer to my friends, but on the other hand I do fear the damage this could lead to my body and the trouble I can get in if my commander finds out.

I also fear that if I do not use these, my friends will shun me, make me the butt of their pranks, and even worse- they might abandon me at the mouth of an ultralisk. I don't know if I should give in and use the drugs or if I should stick with the navy issues.

What advice could you give me?

'Scotty' McLand
2,541st Marine division.


Dear Scotty,

It amuses me that terrans make one kind of drug a standard issue and the bans another. The Swarm doesn't actually need a drug to get all hopped up, as my presence in them tends to have the same effect. If you really want to get away from stims altogether but still get the same experience, you might want to consider infestation.

As for your situation, I'm sure this is a common thing among the marines. I might point out that any chemical substance with a zerg strain in it will probably attract any creatures I have nearby. Its a pity that it isn't enough to infest these guys, but if you lay low for a while they'll probably end up ruining a major battle or something because of their poor decisions. And then after they're gone, you can tell your commander about your heroic willpower--and be sure to exaggerate the methods with which they tried to seduce you.. Then you'll get to deliver lectures about the evils of the banned drugs and all that, probably get a few notches added to your rank, and probably be given more stims to celebrate.

My offer still stands though. Infestation will offer you an experience unlike any other!

See you soon,
Kerrigan

The first 3 diaries were awesome, but the rest were just reapeats. This is a breath of fresh air.


Ironically enough, I'm pretty sure "Ask Kerrigan" got started before the diary series. The nice thing about this is that it only takes a creative question to add new material, whereas the diaries need a completely new topic for anything fresh.
Posts: 5
Dear Kerrigan i seem to be in a bad situation i am a single hydralisk burrowed in the middle of a protoss base surrounded by colossi and because im a hydralisk i cant dig my way out, i needed a roach to give this letter. With panic, Your loyal hydralisk
Edited by Creature on 9/6/2010 12:52 PM PDT
Posts: 448
Dear Kerrigan i seem to be in a bad situation i am a single hydralisk burrowed in the middle of a protoss base surrounded by colossi and because im a hydralisk i cant dig my way out, i needed a roach to give this letter. With panic, Your loyal hydralisk


Dear Kerrigan, please answer this man's cry for help!
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