StarCraft® II

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Edited by Fantasy on 12/9/2012 7:06 PM PST
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06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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Edited by Fantasy on 12/9/2012 7:07 PM PST
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06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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Edited by Fantasy on 12/9/2012 7:07 PM PST
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A noticeable amount of grammatical errors, nothing too bad. As for the story in itself, the dialogue is kinda direct. I suppose it actually fits for this scenario, considering how they are young.

Cain ripped a Lance out of the body of a bandit, pulling out some of the man's entrails as a result. The blood splattered all across the earth. He wiped it clean on a dead man's cape, and placed it on his back.


Cain's only eight, not very old yada yada, and not very big. Do you know how big a lance is? Here's a hint, it's too big for an eight year old.

06/13/2012 04:23 AMPosted by Fantasy
Cain stopped and pulled out a bandage and wrapped it around Abel's foot, and asked. "Better?"


Putting a bandage around a wound does not make it FEEL better. It stems bleeding and stuff, but it'll still hurt.

ALSO, when they are near the battlefield, some mention of blood and flesh should have been made. Dead people smell man. I saw a dead squirrel once. It smelled.

Probably more errors are there, but I can't count them out atm. I'm seriously tired.
Edited by BcInFinitY on 6/13/2012 6:11 AM PDT
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Thank you for your critisism. I am sorry for not adding enough detail.
The children of the world are different. They live in a bloodthirsty environment, and do the impossible, day by day. The fact they are strong like this is one of the ways I show how harsh the place they live is.
Edited by Fantasy on 6/14/2012 9:50 AM PDT
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06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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Edited by Fantasy on 12/9/2012 7:07 PM PST
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Thank you for your critisism. I am sorry for not adding enough detail.
The children of the world are different. They live in a bloodthirsty environment, and do the impossible, day by day. The fact they are strong like this is one of the ways I show how harsh the place they live is.


If he is going to bring that lance with him, he'll have to carry it horizontally. It's not the strength that's the problem, it's his height.
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Would you like for me too add that detail?
(did that) added the blood detail and the spear detail.
Edited by Fantasy on 6/15/2012 5:41 AM PDT
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06/14/2012 06:27 PMPosted by Fantasy
Would you like for me too add that detail?


It would help detail wise. Small stuff like that.

It was good in enough to keep me reading. So I guess it means it's pretty good.
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06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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Edited by Fantasy on 12/9/2012 7:07 PM PST
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06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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Edited by Fantasy on 12/9/2012 7:07 PM PST
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I'm impressed by the relationship you show between Cain and Abel, considering the events of the Tower. It shows just why Abel hesitated to strike down his brother.
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06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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Edited by Fantasy on 12/9/2012 7:07 PM PST
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06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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Edited by Fantasy on 12/9/2012 7:07 PM PST
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Nice story so far, I like how it ties in with all the other stories Abel has been in.
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I haven't read the Academy, but I read the Tower and I see how it ties in with that.
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I really liked the two parts you just wrote. Minor issues that only OCD diagnosed people will bother. GOOD JOB! *Thumbs up*
Edited by BcInFinitY on 6/28/2012 6:44 AM PDT
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Thanks for all the feedback. I really appreciate it. By the way, I edited the previous story post, I forgot to add something.
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06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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Edited by Fantasy on 12/9/2012 7:07 PM PST
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Here's the thing. Do you readers want more scenes in the underground world, or do you want me to only post the essentials and hurry onto the next part of the story. Please tell me.
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