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"I have brought back the story, but with some changes to make it much better. Still need a better name though. I may rush the plot and not place as many words as others (MockingJay specifically.) Criticism and such is accepted, actually I encourage it. I am going to give this a link in the place of a backstory for Zaros. It starts from when he is 14, a few flashbacks to when he was younger than that may appear. And it will be very large, since it will go through at least 4 or 5 years of his life."
I wake to sounds of screeching, I run to my window with nothing but my boxers on and look outside, about a mile away I see a large purple and brown mass of creatures and I have no idea what they are. But from the sounds they do not seem friendly. I quickly get dressed and grab my pocket knife and run downstairs. The Confederate soldiers pulled out about 20 days ago with several people with strange powers developing. Now I knew we were screwed, because these things in less than 3 minutes had already covered close to a half a mile. As I get downstairs I see my dad, my mom and my little sister grabbing a few things and stuffing them into a bag. “Dad, what are those things coming at us,” I ask
“Their called Xenomorphs, or Zerg.” He replies.
“When did you first see them?” I question.
“About 6 minutes ago, and were about 2 ½ miles away.” He answers.
“Well now they’re only ½ to a ¼ mile away, so we have to get the hell out of here!” I yell.
“DON’T SWARE YOUNG MAN!” My mom yells at me, “but we will run for it.”
My dad picks up my little sister and he my mom and I open the door and run towards the nearest Starport, but we were too late. The Zerg were already upon us, I saw one fly from
behind me and smash my mom to the ground. The thing was horrible. It had two sickles like appendages instead of front legs, a long head with two arms like things hanging on it, tusks sticking out from the side of its mouth, orange fierce eyes. And its teeth, they were sharping than a dog’s canines and it was the same size as a large dog. It started tearing the back of
my mom apart and eating her insides. These things had no mercy.
There were screams of agony from behind, but I dare not look back in fear of what I might see. My father and I continue running. We are less than a block away from the Starport when a giant monstrous serpent like creature jumps out of the ground, standing in the way of my dad. Its arms were like scythes and its mouth was split into three jaws. It opens its mouth and a spine a little less than 30mm flies out and pierces straight through my dad.
My sister starts crying and is dropped to the ground. One of the smaller Zerg runs and picks my sister up and drops her at another location, it was about to rip her apart when I looked away. The serpent creature looks towards the small Zerg and then turns its attention to me. I brace myself for death, but it sniffs me and then start feasting on my father’s corpse. I am completely taken by surprise by this and am frozen for a second, and before I can even process what happened hear a very loud roar in the distance behind me and start sprinting again and as I arrive at the Starport and get on a transport, tears start pouring out of my eyes and I begin sobbing, not even noticing when the transport took off.
Edited by ShadowFury on 8/23/2012 10:54 PM PDT
"This one has next to nothing in it."
I awake on the transport. Hoping that yesterday was just a nightmare. But as I awake I knew it was no dream. “Hey, where are we heading?” I ask another Survivor.
“We are heading to Korhal, home of the Sons of Korhal.” He replies.
Korhal? I might be able to see what the Confederacy has done to others to make them rebel. I think. There was really nothing to do on the transport so I slept and paced around most of the time until we arrived at Korhal.
I notice the damage on the hull as I exit. “What happened there?” I ask another person who left the transport.
“A few of those things that attacked followed us and fired off a few things at the ship, leaving some dents there.” She replies.
“Oh.” I say. I start off walking away and then breaking out into a run to the town square.
I ask a few people why the left the Confederacy. “They took my son 4 years ago and I never saw him again.” The first person I ask answers.
Another person answered, “They killed innocent families because they were suspicious of them.” This made me wonder if they purposely brought Zerg to the planet, because they thought that someone was plotting against them.
I run off to an alley as I see some Marines pushing through the crowd. But as I was running away I overheard someone saying the Sons of Korhal were about to leave to fight the Confederacy.
Edited by ShadowFury on 8/23/2012 10:57 PM PDT
"A fair amount of stuff. And is somewhat important."
I awake in the alley. I realize that I had to get to the Starport if I wanted to sneak onto the Sons of Korhal’s ships. I sprint for the Starport, bumping into about 20 people, and just narrowly missing a Marine. As I ran I heard many things about the best known members of the Sons of Korhal. Like a commander named Jim Raynor. He had destroyed Zerg infested things and the Confederacy arrested him for it.
I arrive at the Starport and see the docked Battlecruisers. Several Marines on the ramps of each one to make sure no civilian got on. I looked for where they were grabbing supplies from. I start running towards an area where a few marines came from carrying crates. I look around for a crate big enough for me. I find one just big enough so I wouldn’t be crushed up in a ball and would have a little comfort. I bring the lid off and remove the items within, luckily they were few, and were non-essential. I squeeze into the crate a secure the lid. Luckily I grabbed a few pieces of food from a market place yesterday night so I would be able to eat while I was in the crate. What felt like an eternity later I feel the crate be picked up and hear someone say, “Man. This is heavier than I thought!”
I hear another voice respond, “Well you have been carrying heavy objects for an hour.”
“I know, but it still seems heavier than it should be.” The first voice says.
“You shouldn’t question what is packed for the Flagship. You might be moved to the least luxurious Battlecruiser.” The seconds voice answers. After this there was silence for another hour. I feel a soft hum that turned into a roar as the engine started up. I drift off into an uneasy sleep.
I awake the sound of metal clattering. I’m either in the mess hall, the armory, or some sort of gym. I hear a marine yell, “This is delicious!” I’m in the mess hall. I figure out. This reminds me of some of the food I took and start to eat a slice of bread. I hear something in my head. These guys are stupid brutes. The best they can be used for are meat shields. The voice then fades away and was feminine. I knew that wasn’t my own voice. It was too feminine. I hear the same voice that was in my head yell out loud, “How about we pop open a few beers!” This was met by cheers. The voice in my head must have been my imagination. I couldn’t be telepathic, could I?
I awake, barely restraining myself from screaming. The nightmares I have had ever since the Zerg attack have been unbearable. I have been seeing my family torn to pieces every night. I just want to curl up and die to escape it. But I know that if I do that my revenge would never be quenched. My body is tired, so I go back into an uneasy sleep.
I wake up to hear a bunch of random voices in my head. I try to ignore them, but they get so overwhelming and I yell, “GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” At that moment I saw a very faint teal glow on the inside wall of the crate. Every wall of the crate goes flying! The top of the crate and the back of the crate smash into splinters from hitting the roof and wall so hard. All the voices in my head stop. After a few seconds I realize what I just did. I need to conceal this. I hear some heavy footsteps from above. Crap, I needed to get away from the broken crate. I sprint to the nearest staircase and climb up into the next floor. I turn a corner and bump into a marine, I bounce right off of his armor. Blood was running down my face. I moan, “I think my nose may have broken.” The marines stare at me in surprise. They obviously weren’t expecting to see a teenager on a Battlecruiser, not to mention Mengsks Flagship. “Are you just going to stand there and stare?” I ask them, my nose hurting like hell.
The Marine on the left seemed to be first to respond to it, he shook his head a little and offered me a hand, “Sorry, we heard a loud noise downstairs and went to go investigate it. Do you know anything about it?”
“Yeah, sorry, I accidently broke a crate down there.” I answer. “Could we go to a med-bay or something so I can have this quickly checked out?” I ask the marines.
The other one finally breaks his disbelief and ends up helping me to the med-bay. “So kid, how’d you get on?” He asks. His fingers twitching a little, he seemed like he wanted to shoot something, because his index finger was moving the most.
“I, um, kind of, well hid in a crate.” I tell him. It seemed to kind of dumb to be reluctant to tell him that I snuck on in a crate. I start playing with my pocket knife; the rest of the walk to the med-bay was made in silence.
When the doctor in the med-bay looked at my nose he said, “It’s hard to determine with all the blood, but I am fairly sure it is just slightly cracked with a lot of cuts. It should heal in a few days.” He goes back to checking up men who were puking all night; most of it was because of too much alcohol. He also tended some with bullet wounds.
“How many days has it been since we left the planet?” I ask the marine. I was really curious, and I really didn’t want to go to an orphanage. “And on the first night there was someone who said something about opening up the beer; who was he?” I ask because his voice, and the meat shield comment really disturbed me.
“We are about two days into the trip. And that person wasn’t a he, but a she. She is a Ghost, a psionic. She is not the only one though. There are several other female ones. The most notable one being a Sarah Kerrigan. Mengsks Lieutenant.” I start to recalling the voice being feminine.
We stop in front of a door. “Stay here, the captain will come see you tomorrow, but it is ultimately Mengsks decision whether or not we go back to Korhal.” The marine says to me. I sit down in the room, and play with my knife, occasionally leaving the room to go to the bathroom or see if I can get something to eat. At the end of the day I go to sleep. The sleep was easier, but none the less horrible.
"This is the largest part yet."
The Zerg smash through the door of my home. I hide behind a counter as the Zerg roam around my home. I hear screams. I grab my knife and go to kill the Zerg, when another one attacks me, tearing me apart, I could feel pain even though it was just a nightmare.
I feel sweat beading down my face. I sit up. The room’s bare, with the exception of my knife and a clock. It was early morning. I was fine to be up. I wouldn’t have to go back to the horrible sleep. A Marine knocks on my door within the next hour. “You are allowed to stay. But you cannot leave the ship.” With that he leaves.
I step outside and yell down the hall, “Could I train to become a Marine or something?” I call down.
He turns and thinks for a second, “Fine. Couldn’t cause any trouble.”
“YES!” I yell and start running towards the firing range.
When I arrive I see an assortment of guns. Only a few could be handled without CMC armor. Which one? Single burst Gauss Rifle, C-10. Or, yeah, a pistol! I grab the pistol and head to the firing. I fire off about 6 shots, ending in pin point accuracy. “Holy crap.” I stare at what I did; I always missed when I practiced with my dad’s gun.
After several minutes of practice I leave and grab something to eat, when I see my reflection. My eyes were bright blue. Not the deeper color they were supposed to be… I walked into the cafeteria. I grabbed a small bit of food. I was extremely surprised by the change in eye color. After I eat I just sit in my room. Playing with sparks of Psionics. When someone comes nearby I cease doing so. I grab my knife and throw it at the wall out of boredom.
I walk outside and grab some dinner. Sadly it was bland, probably just as bad as prison food. A few people walked into the cafeteria and I left quickly. I could tell from the way they were speaking they weren’t Marines. Right as I was about to exit the door I hear one say, “Can’t believe that commander let a little runt stay on this thing. I bet someone fresh from the Ghost academy that couldn’t hurt a fly would scare the living !@#$ out of him!” I look at him and he was a brown haired, dark faced guy.
“Lay off of him. I bet he lost his family and had no place left to go. Plus he looks like he could be pretty successful from how well he was able to do in the firing range.” Another one says, defending me. This one was blond e and pale faced. He looked over to where I was and I ducked behind something.
“He’ll still just be cannon fodder like the rest of ‘em.” The girl says. She follows the second ones gaze and asks, “What is it?” She was a black haired tanned one. She was definitely the one who I accidently touched the mind of.
The second guy says, “I thought I saw something… Never mind that.” He looks back to his friends. I quickly take the chance to leave the cafeteria and head back to my room.
I was seething with anger at the brunette and the girl. I smell smoke. “What the hell?” I turn around and see my bed had a small fire going on right behind. My eyes go wide and I quickly pat it out. “How the hell did that happen?” I say a little louder than I would’ve wanted. There was only a small burn mark on the blanket. I take my knife out of the wall.
I head back to the firing range and try out the C-10 Canister Rifle. The only other person raised their eyebrow as they saw me take the rifle. I aim at the target. I had a perfect shot lined up and I was sent backwards because of the recoil; I nearly dislocated my shoulder. I drop the gun. “Yeah, I am not trying that again.” I say. And check the target, I completely missed.
“You’re a kid, why would you choose one of the biggest weapons there?” The person asks.
“Just wanted to try it out…” I reply.
I head back to my room and crash. I make sure not to touch the burn mark; it was still a little hot. I close my eyes and sleep. The nightmares plague me again.
"I usually have roughly 400 words...."
I sit up, scared. The nightmares got worse every night. I stand up and grab my knife. I put it in my pocket and head to the cafeteria. I grab some food. Most of the soldiers were there. I go to the farthest table and sit down. I start eating. I was finished fairly soon. I was happy when I left. I felt awkward in the Cafeteria with everyone looking towards me every now and again.
I go to the firing range before anyone got there and start firing off pistol rounds into targets, getting great hits every time. As the first few Marines started showing up I left. I go to the gym and do some exercises. Again when the first few Marines started coming I left and headed to my room until lunch. I did whatever. I went to lunch and eat some stuff. I go for a walk around the ship. I ate dinner, go back to my room. And go to sleep. The next week was just like this. Completely uneventful.
I do what I usually do and then bump into a Ghost, the dark faced guy, accidently in the afternoon. He turned around and glared at me, “You looking for a fight you little puke.”
“No, I am sorry, it was an accident.” I say, quickly and in a worried tone. I back away.
“I think your lying.” He says, and then he whispers to some others, “Finally it is time to beat the living !@#$ out of the little runt.” He starts running at me and I take off.
I pass someone and he stops the dark faced person. “I thought I told you to lay off of him Noah.”
“You did, Kieran.” Noah says. “But he bumped into me! He asked for it!”
“Actually it was an accident and I said sorry!” I butt in. They both look at me. “I’ll just walk away now.” I walk back to my room, the two arguing.
I grabbed my knife and stabbed it into the drawer. Which had nothing within. I jump onto the bed and lay there, thinking about what I could do. I eventually went to get dinner, a little scared of Noah. When I was in the cafeteria he glared at me a few times. I went back to my room and was about to go to sleep when I realized my birthday was one week from now. January 7th was my Birthday. It was going to suck.
Edited by ShadowFury on 8/24/2012 9:03 AM PDT
It sounds really boring. It is mind numbingly boring when I read your story aloud to myself. You break the flow of the narrative way too much with your improper use of periods and commas which hampers my ability enjoy your story. All you are writing is actions, actions and more actions. There is no substance in it. It is like a slice of life onboard the flagship where you monotonously describe what you are doing.
If you are going to describe what he is doing on a day to day basis, make it more substantial besides "I walk to the luchroom. I eat. I leave and go to my room where I cry." Your way of writing leaves no way for the reader to actually feel anything for Zaros. There is no emotional connection. Frankly, it is just "Oh, that happened. Ok, moving onto the next paragraph."
Where are character interactions? You are a lone wolf after your family was killed, I understand that but by golly you are 14. Yes, you want to be a soldier to avenge your family but what the hell will you learn by yourself? At least create a character that acts as mentor like figure. You made it that everyone on the ship does not want to associate with you. Why? Zaros acts like a one dimensional wannabe antisocial 'badass' that was absolutely zero character development and I frankly do not care at all about him be because he is an annoying punk.
I know you are rushing plot and I do not know what you have in store for the next 4 years of Zaros' life. DO NOT RUSH THE BEGINNING OF YOUR STORY. Granted, you may need to work on your pacing but it is essential that you make us care about Zaros, his pains and sorrow after the Zerg devastated him and how he will overcome this among other obstacles..
Do something like this, the beginning will be something like training, the middle fighting and loss, and the ending his reflections on what has happened and whether or not it was worth it.
In my opinion, the main problem is that I can feel almost no emotions from reading it. I mean, you can see what he is doing, but Its hard to tell what he is thinking. This doesn't mean "I thought inwardly that he was going to betray us" Or anything like that. If you can tell us what he is feeling, we can guess what is running through his head.
So if he is depressed about something (EG Zerg) Then don't write "I was depressed" Write more about what he lost, why he is sad. Let the reader interpret or infer his emotions.
Make us know the character as a unique person, a human being. Help us understand him.
I think that is what makes every good story unique. Each character, being a unique person to everyone who reads the story.
Details, Details DETAILS!
There is such a thing as too much detail, but right now there is not enough detail for me too visualize anything. You can(but shouldn't) skimp out on details on certain events, but anything important to the character should always be painted well.
And its teeth, they were sharping than a dog’s canines and it was the same size as a large dog. It started tearing the back of
Zaros's mom gets killed. There is no detail of her face, no mention of a scream, none! His mother gets killed before his eyes, and he doesn't remember a scream, yet he remembers what his dad said.
Anyways, goodluck, and Please rate my story XD
Edited by Fantasy on 8/24/2012 12:22 PM PDT
The lack of emotion is definitely the weak point. I do think there is potential though, and...
I disagree. This fits with Zaros' personality in RPs set later. Still, it would be good for him to have a mentor. It doesn't have to be a nice mentor, but he has to learn from someone (e.g. Rukhshah and Gru - something or other for those who have read Orcbrat).
While the lone wolf mentality will materialize in later RPs, is it really good development for the beginning, his origins? From the way I see it, Zaros will eventually become a lone wolf when he is 19. But how he gets to that point is what interest me. If this kid is going to be a loner for 5 years hardly talking to anyone, not having any sort of relationships with any characters, I will watch a Michael Bay movie instead.
There is much potential to see how Zaros ends up being the kind of person he is when he is 19. Perhaps he was idealistic, turned bitter after fighting and losing much like friends in 5 years. However, if you want to develop Zaros as a lone wolf for 5 years, his emotions completely stoic, it can be done. It is just very difficult.
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