StarCraft® II

Rolling Black-Outs: Alpha Base

As the sun set on the baking desert Planet. Marines of Alpha Squadron were lazily standing guard, watching the distant sun set, as the humid heated air, slowly began to turn cold and frigid. Dom Orieana, A new recruit, - A grunt, but for the most part a Marine none-the-less, was stationed to the gate. His post was to check to make sure, every person entering and leaving Alpha Base, were identified and had the proper Security Clearance.
Though he appeared bulky and "jacked" in his Combatant Marine Armour, Dom being only Nine-Teen, was not extremely built, though that didn't mean he was weak, by any means. His hair used to be chin-length and a light brown hue. However since his recruitment, he had been regulated to shave it short. He also used to wear several piercings, both facial and earrings, but once again regulations for the Corps, mandated that all Dominion Military Personnel were to abide by a strict Code Of Dress. Dom had blue-eyes, and an ever-growing 5'O-Clock shadow on his chin. He stood a growing - 5'9. His stature even more heightened by his Marine Armour.
He slouched slightly, wishing his rotation would end, so he could return home, to get some much needed relaxation, however he cut that thought trail short, when he had decided to join up. "TO BE CONTINUED"
~Ron W. Sword: Author
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What is with the misuse of commas and hyphens? Nonetheless is one word and so is nineteen.

09/18/2012 04:20 PMPosted by MrFindely
His post was to check to make sure, every person entering and leaving Alpha Base, were identified and had the proper Security Clearance.


This sentence is valid without the commas. Commas made this sentence unnecessarily broken to read.

09/18/2012 04:20 PMPosted by MrFindely
He slouched slightly, wishing his rotation would end, so he could return home, to get some much needed relaxation, however he cut that thought trail short, when he had decided to join up.


My suggetion to you is to write shorter sentences. It will sound less choppy here. That or learn to use commas correctly.

As for the story itself, it sounds promising so far. Your descriptions are good.
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I agree with smylez, but so far it looks good.
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