StarCraft® II

Perditus Dea Rising from the Depths

Posts: 17,783
The unfolding of genetics was believed to be a genetic blueprint to one’s past… and one’s story. Each stories its own as it crossed several sights of the past and future, but more importantly the present. Each story showcased the survival of one as one tested the strengths of their cunning and strength. Never resting, never stopping, never ceasing too… Kill. One must choose wisely between the choice of dyeing and the choice of living. Many chose living to survive… too change is to survive. One must not be a tree, or a rock, or a bush. One must be a river. One must be the sky. Ever changing it's story as the other stayed the same.

The depths of their upcoming were told across their offspring. Survival through creation, and change. This story is about one such individual. A story told through her children that survived. Creating new life themselves as they to, changed. Lost…. Lost forever as that precious essence… that story was lost forever. Creating a new story…

The survival that kept them safe for so long… lost in an instant against an opponent that hungered essence. Their strength and cunning surpassing their own… Their story. The untold victories in the past through the creation of a newborn… A new threat… a new creator… a new story from an old one… a new Dea… The Goddess is born.

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Eggs squirming against the warm earth, the breeding grounds crowded with untold life. Countless eggs hatching… but one was more prominent than the other. It’s awakening told a story… the first story of fear… the first new story after Amon left.

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This is my first segment of my story. If would appreciate any comments if you have them or any ideas. It could help me become better or etc. I decided to do something interesting about the Primal Zerg. A story told through their genetic history.
Edited by CrymsonRaven on 3/28/2013 5:42 PM PDT
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Posts: 27,319
Not too bad. Should be a fun read. Maybe give some description of the main character as she hatches.
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Posts: 8,108
Can't wait to read it. a description of the main character would be nice when she hatches.
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Posts: 17,783
The eggs squirming and shaking as some began to crack open. Eggs, many eggs littered these grounds. Some of the first after Amon left Zerus. This was but only one of the few breeding grounds left untainted by his influence. Hiding among the underground or in caves as the Primals outside raged their murderous hunger. Coming out of hiding;, devouring precious essence. The eggs began to hatch, several young Primal Zerg hatching from their closed womb. Weak, delicate creatures emerged.

They quickly grew stronger as the hatchlings were hell bent. Any new hatchlings didn’t have a chance at survival. For their life was quickly snuffed from their body. Their essence with the strong. Ever changing their body and genetic structure. One could hope for a better fate but it was the will of the Primal Zerg. Kill to change, kill to survive.

Dea, the Goddess as she would be known as later. Was the last to hatch? Awakening to find the silent echo, the twisted body she wore. Looking like one of the other Zerg but... different. Finding the bodies of several young littering the breeding grounds… already have they taken the lives of several new young. The chance of survival was low. Being forced to hide herself. Never changing as that fate shall kill any who don’t.

Cunning… she had developed cunning quite quickly. Each situation that occurred was critical in its completion. The need to kill had never truly settled down. A new way must be found. Unlike the other newborns she looked… different. Two tails. Small, sharp claws. Small, sharp fangs. Natural limberness with an uncanny agility. Both helped to secure the essence after a kill.

Climbing from under the branch, she was small… it suited her.

The sounds of the hunt could be heard. Sneaking silently as the prey had been taken down. Its killer standing next to it as the essence was ready. Dea jumping right before the creature ate its reward. A sickening crunch as the fangs sunk into flesh. Biting right through the brain stem. Instantly killing it. Two birds with one fang….
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Posts: 27,319
Interesting phrase there at the end. Well played. Definitely enjoying it.
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Posts: 8,108
nice want more.
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Going to do a smaller post right now... I know I neglected this.

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The Dea grew bigger and much swifter. Power… is surging through her body as the talons and claws grew much sharper. Climbing on tree and jumping from limb to limb. Never stopping as the fear settled in. The realization that the essence will lure others in… Too dangerous.

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Small... I know. But meh.
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Posts: 8,046
Hey man, five sentences is better then zero.

I would challenge you as a writer to not use three dots in a row. Instead make the reader feel your pause.

Just a suggestion.

Keep it up, man!
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Posts: 17,783
Instead make the reader feel your pause.
What?
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Posts: 27,319
I would challenge you as a writer to not use three dots in a row. Instead make the reader feel your pause.


You're aware that the three dots indicates that there's a pause to the reader. We aren't mind readers.
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Posts: 8,046
*Sigh*

Ya try to help a guy...

Nevermind, whatever.
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Posts: 17,783
Thane... just tell me. I truly have no idea what you are talking about.
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Posts: 8,046
It could just be different writing styles, but personally, the whole three dot thing can get annoying. I used to do it a lot in my writing and looking back at it, I can't even read an old story it's so annoying.

All I'm suggesting is to actually think outside the box rather then just putting three dots. It's kind of like the concept of 'showing' your reader rather then 'telling' your reader.

Example of telling your reader:

04/11/2013 01:59 PMPosted by CrymsonRaven
ever stopping as the fear settled in.


Example of showing your reader:

ever stopping as the hairs on the back of her neck stood up and adrenaline shot through her veins with the newly conceived fear.


Gah, I'm still a new writer too, so I kind of suck at it, but you kind of get it, right?

Telling your reader there is a pause:

"Captain... Are you okay?"


Showing your reader there is a pause:

"Captain?" She asked, inching closer and trying to see his eyes under his hat, "Are you okay?"


Ugh... Okay, maybe this doesn't make any sense, and if so, just ignore it.

*Closes eyes and waits the inevitable flame*
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Posts: 27,319
That...isn't a pause, that's attention to detail. There's a difference.
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Posts: 8,046
I feel like they're differences are pretty minuscule, actually. When you read it there is a natural pause the reader can't miss.
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Posts: 10,861
"That is being very detailed and making the reader have to go longer. While when the reader sees '...' it makes them know to stop for a second before continuing, same with periods, except they are a fraction of a second, and commas when used in that aspect, even less time than a period."
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Whatever, nevermind. Why do I even bother?
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Posts: 1,504
Why do I even bother?


JoeyRay Bar hive mind: improve.

Extract... opinion. Ellipses optional. Detail important.
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Posts: 8,046
04/11/2013 04:58 PMPosted by RoachRyan
Why do I even bother?


JoeyRay Bar hive mind: improve.

Extract... opinion. Ellipses optional. Detail important.


...

what?
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Posts: 10,861
"He is saying that detail is extremely important, and ellipses, which are the three dots, are optional. I share that opinion."

The flame spread. The blazing gold and red flickers engulfing the country-side. The beast that had started the wild flames, and it was loving with the fire... it was embracing the flames.

"It is optional there, in fact I think a comma would be better there, but it is a place where an ellipse is optional."
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