World of Warcraft®

You think you've got what it takes to be a Death Knight? You best step the heck back and adjust your training bra Rebecca, because you're a pasty little girl with a degree in the Home Shopping Network. Put down those bunny slippers and pick up your miserable life, then end it, because you can't be a Death Knight unless you're dead. It's just common sense.

People ask me all the time, "Zerhyn, how come you get all the ladies?", and I'll tell you it's not because I don't shower. It's because I'm a man, and men don't spend their free time knitting doilies. We eat nails dipped in turpentine and drink whole milk like real ballers, and we ain't afraid to get the cancer because the sturgeon-general says smoking is bad for our health. We're already dead, and what the hell does a fish know about anything anyway. So now that I'm at the pinnacle of raw, unbridled awesome I thought I'd take a few precious moments of my righteous day to explain to the unenlightened just how far up your own pooters your heads have really traveled if you think you can step up to this level.

ARE YOU READY? ARE YOU READY TO EAT ASPHALT AND DRINK YOUR OWN TEARS?

STEP 1: BECOMING A(N) HERO CLASS

You were probably something sissy like a Night Elf Warrior, but fortunately the gods of bodacious winsauce have turned a blind eye to your heathen ways. Obviously I'm talking about becoming a rotting dead Orc, because anything less is so insulting you may as well just stick your face in a blender. Coincidentally this is the first step if you want to look like an Orc, so go ahead and get that out of the way.

1-a: BLENDERIZE ME, CAP'N
Break into your mother's cosmetic supply(because all know you live with your parents, don't even try to hide it) and dump everything you find into the blender. Set it to the highest setting and shove your face right in there like a fat kid diving into a birthday cake. Bonus points for youtube evidence.

1-b: PUMP SOME IRON
With your face still in the blender you're going to want to LIFT SOME WEIGHTS. You've probably heard this term being thrown around before, because it's super important. Stat weights are what you need to lift to get stronger; the more iron you can pump now the stronger you're going to get. Guess what stat you're going to be gunning for deez guns? STRENGTH. If you're wondering what strength looks like, it's anything big and heavy that would look cool if you were to pick it up. This includes refrigerators and cars. You best get going Nancy Drew, the mystery of ultimate power isn't going to solve itself.

1-c: MAKE YOUR RUNE WEAPON
Any Death Knight worth his salt has a wicked sweet weapon to call his own. Fortunately for you runes are easy to come across and anybody can be a blacksmith, all it takes is some construction paper, some scissors, and some glue. We're going to start by carefully cutting out some red blood runes while being careful not to grievously injure ourselves, then move on to blue frost runes, and finally purple death runes because unholy runes are for wussies, and purple is baller. Next, provided you haven't eaten all of your glue already, you're going to want to glue them directly to your junk. Real men pelvic thrust their opponents to death.

1-d: AWWW RIGHT
You're READY. Since you've no doubt bled to death from your horrible blender injuries by now, you're now an ORC DEATH KNIGHT, all without some wussy prince with a boner for necromancers getting in your way.