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I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. And another thing: take a freakin shower! You smell so bad that the garbage collectors wonder what the smell is when they come down the street. Why do you have to be so messy? How hard is it to put your dirty underwear in the laundry machine and wash a few dishes now and again? I don't know how to break it to you, but I found someone else to replace you. You know what they say: out with the old, in with the new! The wise Righteous Brothers wrote a song called "You've lost that lovin' feeling." You might want to listen to it a few times, because I've lost that loving feeling. I don't really do the whole long distance relationship thing. New area code, new market, and it's time for me to go shopping.
Why do you spend so little money on me? Buying me a happy meal at McDonald's does not count as taking me out to dinner. If you ever get engaged, just remember that an onion ring is not a valid replacement for a wedding ring.
Even though our relationship is at its end, I hope we can still be friends. You're more like a sibling to me, you know? Give me back my keys, I don't want you coming around here anymore. You may not have realized, but I saw you with him, you fat-fried hamburger-humper! I'm not sure whether we can see each other again in the future but, for now at least, I definitely need my own space. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.
I am shure that as I write this you are in some seedy fast food joint stuffing your face in a orgy of self despair, much like I found you that one day when trolling the parking lot of burger world in my van. But fear not my hard rocking amigo, I shall be under the broadway bridge tonight. My van door is always open for you. Puppies, pizza, and just for you, a 50 gallon barrel of the finest lard rendered from a mexican eatery (the south side one, you know which). I will wait till 3am, no later, for my van turns into a pumpkin or some weird thing like that. I am sorry we can't do the motel thing again, (as seen here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySlZdASmGCM&ob=av2e ) its just not safe like it used to be.
And to the fine folks of Nidhogg, I appreciate the use of this thread to reach out to my friend, Hopo, I am waiting.
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