World of Warcraft™

I have a bit of an issue.

I love to RP. I've RP'd many different scenarios; Good, bad, neutral... etc. I've had characters who battled, and I've had elder characters, but I haven't had just one thing...

I haven't yet had a character fall in love with another character.

The issue, however, is that my fiance doesn't approve of me romantically RPing with someone, even if I never find out anything about the player. He himself does not RP, or at least, very little. He definitely doesn't RP enough or want to RP enough to build a relationship.

I don't know if I'm being selfish by wanting to do what I want to do, and I don't know if he's being controlling for not letting me.

The real question here is, does anyone have any advice?

Is there another option, or perhaps way to RP a "love story" without hurting him or making him angry with me? Before anyone says it, role reversal is a no go as well. I've already asked if I could make a male character, or have a lesbian female character.

What do I do?!

Look him square in the eye and tell him quite simply 'It is a fantasy game, and it is a fantasy romance. It has no bearing on my own feelings toward you, I said yes to -you- not to some nameless and faceless person behind a pixellated paladin.'

He really shouldn't feel the need to restrict you from an IC relationship. Yes, there are those who can take it to an extreme and the lines of reality and fantasy become blurred...

The other route is telling him straight-up that you want to RP this out. That if he won't let you RP it out with someone else, then it has to be with him... and if that's a no go.

Well, you give him two choices for it. He RPs with you, or you RP it with some random stranger... there's no other way I can see you going about this except for one of the above.

Thank you. That's good advice, it really is... But he just says "Whatever!" and acts angry towards me until I say "Okay, I won't do it."

I can't help but think I'm a horrible person for it. :/ I just can't help wanting to do it.

You aren't doing anything wrong. It is a fantasy game, with fantasy romance, as Iralius said. You know nothing about the person, or have any actual feelings toward them. It's simply RP. People do it every day, from simple handholding and occasional kissing to grimy, sweaty sex scenes. They have no feelings for each other unless they're actually together, it is simply IC. Obviously, it doesn't affect anything.

I believe that you as a woman can do anything you want. Nobody can control you, and if he doesn't like your methods... well, screw him. He can live with it.

Thanks Susurri. Normally I wouldn't let a guy control my wishes like this, but I'm marrying him in December. I guess I am caught up between respecting him as my partner/wanting him to be happy, and respecting myself as a person and not allowing myself to be controlled.

I'd never, ever, EVER cheat on him. Ever. I'd sooner jump off a bridge that rope myself into an ugly situation like that... But I am afraid of feeling like I am cheating on him if he says no to letting me RP romantically with someone else's character. Yanno?

Ugh. Gamer couple life is hard.

Again, is a game. You'll probably never see the person behind the nelf IRL, and if you do, you won't know it's him/God forbid, her. Why would you feel like you're cheating on him?

And yes, yes it is. Darn hubby annoys me sometimes.

Because I would feel guilty about deliberately disobeying him. Like I was "sneaking around".

It's really not fair to me, is it?

Then again, it's not fair to him either...

Well, he's not allowed to just tell you what to do. You can make your own decisions. I had some conflict w/ hubby at first, but then I just explained the whole thing calmly and carefully, and before you know it... yeah.

Speaking of hubby, he wants his food. Better heat up a flatbread.

Just a note on this...examine your feelings a bit and think about how you would feel if the situation were reversed. What would you say to him if you found him having kinky sex with an rp partner in a game? Would you be willing to say,"Ah its ok, it's just a game.."

I'd be perfectly okay with it, so long as there were rules such as not knowing them outside of their character and not immersing himself in it to the point that it's all he does.

I'd still expect to be put first, just as I would put him first in my situation.

He's just insecure. :/ I suffer the consequences.

I don't think there actually is a fair answer to this. Roleplaying the types of roles you choose is fine, he just has a hangup about it, which is also not wrong. How the two of you work this out is not easily assessed over the internet.
Since he does not roleplay, he likely does not "get" how roleplay works. I tend to prefer to roleplay relatively complete people. That means most of my characters have their romantic sides (most people do), and I keep the majority of them open to romantic or erotic roleplay, if done right. The thoughts and actions of the character are the thoughts and actions of the character, regardless whether they correspond to my own. The thoughts usually overlap pretty closely, sometimes even the emotions, but the actions do not. I don't go around whacking small ratlike humanoids over teh head with a shovel to steal their candles in real life; similarly, what some pixellated 'toon of mine does in an inn has little to no bearing on my own real life. The main similarity is, I and most of my toons drink. My toons drink different amounts than I do, and often for different reasons. ERP is the same way, and what you are talking about is not even ERP, just exploration of relationships from a third party perspective.
Don't expect your hubby-to-be to understand this, or if he does, to agree with your preferred approach. This is good practice for how you two sort out everything else you inevitably disagree about later in life. Maximize the exploratory learning experience!

It's also hard when someone in character takes interest in you, but you have to turn them down regardless of what you want to do.

I see what you're saying there, Karedan. I agree.

But it isn't really "How the two of us work", it's more of, "what I am and am not allowed to do". I understand that is the give and take of relationships, but had I known at the beginning that he would try to control me I wouldn't have bothered. Though, now I am madly in love with him, we are getting married, and while I don't regret anything, I just wish I had a say.

Truth be told, there is nothing that can really be solved over the internet, but it can work like how Dr. House bounces ideas off of his team on the show and solves a case miraculously from somebody giving him an idea he hadn't yet thought of.

I just wonder if there's a way to RP it... Maybe without ERP? But that takes a whole chunk of the relationship away. This is why I am confused.

I appreciate all of the feedback though. Thanks.

I still have no idea what to do though. It's something I want very badly, but not badly enough to end things with my IRL hubby-to-be over a game. *Huff*

Similar to what Jaszmin said, you should try to take his feeling into account. I will agree 100% that he has no right to order you around or expect you to blindly do what he says, but part of a mature relationship is respecting the thoughts and feelings of your partner; if he feels that strongly against it, then maybe you should take some time and weigh his opinion against how important this particular aspect of RP is to you.

I never RP any sort of romantic relationships on any of my characters, for two reasons.

First, is that just because you know that it is all make-believe, it is dangerous to assume that the person you are RPing with fully understands that. There are some crazy people out there and some have been known to get overly attached and have trouble separating fantasy RP from RL; that is just a whole can of worms I don’t want to get anywhere near.

Second, I’m also engaged and, while I’ve never even talked to him about it, I know my fiancé well enough to realize that he would be upset if I was involved in other relationships- even just pretend ones. Knowing that, I have no desire whatsoever to do something that would surely hurt his feelings or try to ‘sneak around’ behind his back, which would still involve keeping secrets from him. Secrets are secrets, even if what I was hiding was trivial as RP.

In the end though, it is your decision and you can’t let anyone make it for you or brow-beat you into doing something you don’t want. If romantic RP really is that important to you then you need to sit down with your fiancé and have a serious, mature discussion to talk it out. I encourage you to listen to him and really make an effort to understand where he is coming from, but make sure he hears how you feel too and do your best to allay any fears or insecurities he may have. Like Karedan said, I would try to spell out very carefully to him what an RP 'relationship' would involve and assure him that it does not change or minimize your feelings toward him in any way.

That's true. I value his opinion very much, but just as an opinion. I don't believe it should be any more than that, but truthfully it feels more like a command.


Romantic RP isn't that important to me, but it's something I haven't gotten to explore, and I feel it's unfair that I won't get to explore it at any point in my life now because I am marrying him and he is so against it.

02/18/2012 07:15 PMPosted by Emiliene

it can work like how Dr. House bounces ideas off of his team on the show and solves a case miraculously from somebody giving him an idea he hadn't yet thought of

That, in my opinion, is exactly what the internet is for :)

02/18/2012 09:43 PMPosted by Evlogimenos

it can work like how Dr. House bounces ideas off of his team on the show and solves a case miraculously from somebody giving him an idea he hadn't yet thought of

That, in my opinion, is exactly what the internet is for :)

Erm. That's my alt. I forgot I had him selected XD

I just wonder if there's a way to RP it... Maybe without ERP? But that takes a whole chunk of the relationship away. This is why I am confused.

If it's any help, I do not ERP and relationship RP doesn't suffer from it. Do my characters have a sex life? Yes. (Well, not Aumoe because she's the crazy moth lady who eats icecream out of the container).

You don't have to give a blow by blow description of the action. Just fade to black when it comes time, but feel free to put in a few details like if it was a sweet and awkward first time or if it was thrown against the wall sweaty nasty pounding.

Anyway, from what I've read in this thread, I'm pretty sure it's not relationship rp that bothers him so much as erotic rp. To him, it's probably like if you where having regular cybersex with someone and you're saying it's ok because there's a story behind it. I'm not saying that's what it is, but a lot of people do view it that way.

People have boundaries and just because he's uncomfortable with something you want to do, doesn't mean he's trying to control you. You two have to come to a compromise. I'm sorry to say, but if he ends up viewing it as cheating, then you're going to be the one that has to back down. If you're not willing to do that, you have to ask yourself if you're willing to give up the man you want to marry for fake relationships. He'll have to ask himself if he's bothered enough by fake relationships that he wants to end a real one.

Also, cheating is whatever a couple defines as cheating in their own personal relationship. Don't let anyone tell you that you are or are not. I would consider erp cheating in mine and so would my husband. However, other couples erp with other people and it's not cheating to do so in their relationship. I really hope you guys can work this out.

Frankly, this is stupid.

A healthy relationship has to do with give and take and if your partner matters to you than your partner should be more important than a game.

The "I ain't neva gunna change for no one!" mentality is stupid. People grow, change, and make considerations for each other. A healthy and intelligent human being doesn't just make demands and never give any concessions, they make compromises sometimes and demand that others deal similarly with them to be equally fair.

If you end every relationship you have over something as trival as this and consider all of your feelings to be important but none of your partner's to be important, then you will either end up being alone forever or in a relationship with a very sad human being indeed.

Don't be stupid. This isn't about control. When a partner expresses unhappiness about the actions of their partner, that doesn't equate to control.

IMHO, just grow up and realize that either you are being selfish and should change that, or that you should end your relationship because you are genuinely having trouble deciding between your partner and a game.

Pro tip: if you don't like your partner, don't get married.

02/18/2012 07:15 PMPosted by Emiliene

But it isn't really "How the two of us work", it's more of, "what I am and am not allowed to do". I understand that is the give and take of relationships, but had I known at the beginning that he would try to control me I wouldn't have bothered. Though, now I am madly in love with him, we are getting married, and while I don't regret anything, I just wish I had a say.

Okay, that's just retarded. What I said above was based on the information given.

Here's your new advice: don't get married just because you are dumb. If you aren't happy with a relationship, then why are you continuing it? With hindsight you wouldn't have bothered with the relationship but you are going to spend the rest of your life with your partner? Congratulations on making sure you won't be able to find happiness.

02/18/2012 07:15 PMPosted by Emiliene

I just wonder if there's a way to RP it... Maybe without ERP?

I swear you must be trolling. How to RP without ERP? How about you just RP the conversations and "cut to black" for the sex if you really have to RP boning? What, you really have to emote "he rams his rod of +5 strength into her" to understand what happened?

If romantic RP really is that important to you then you need to throw away your computer, leave the country, and find meaning for your life.

Fixed.

02/18/2012 07:28 PMPosted by Emiliene

That's true. I value his opinion very much, but just as an opinion. I don't believe it should be any more than that, but truthfully it feels more like a command.

If all your partner is telling you is his opinion or his feelings, then it doesn't become a command just because you don't like it. Guess what, you get to choose what you are doing and your partner gets to choose how to respond. If you choose a game over your partner, then I hope your partner leaves you otherwise your partner is stupid.

Below is some not dumb advice:

02/19/2012 04:00 AMPosted by Aumoé

You don't have to give a blow by blow description of the action. Just fade to black when it comes time, but feel free to put in a few details like if it was a sweet and awkward first time or if it was thrown against the wall sweaty nasty pounding.

+ everything else Aumoe said

02/18/2012 07:21 PMPosted by Istella

Similar to what Jaszmin said, you should try to take his feeling into account. I will agree 100% that he has no right to order you around or expect you to blindly do what he says, but part of a mature relationship is respecting the thoughts and feelings of your partner; if he feels that strongly against it, then maybe you should take some time and weigh his opinion against how important this particular aspect of RP is to you.

^I agree with this man. Op, you're lucky you have an actual man in your life who cares about you so much, but you should just quit WoW. You're picking a god damn video game with romancing some little immature virgins instead of a man that you'll spend your whole life with. Is this game really more important then someone that you were destined to be with?