Hrookhzin's Troll Mating Rituals

100 Night Elf Priest
12485
<May carefully removes a page from a scrapbook, and tacks it onto the wall.>

Originally written by Hrookhzin.

Ah bin’ doin’ some research fer personal reasons ‘bout da troll matin’ rituahs an’ since we gittin’ inta troll matin’ season, ah figgered ah’d post wut ah foun’ ‘ere fer da rest uh joo trolls out der so datja kin pick da raht rituah fer joo tahpa relationship. Joo don’ wanna upset da spirits bah usin’ da wrong tahpa mojo ferya matin’!

Alsa, note dat dese is onleh suma da trolleh rituahs since mosta da ol’ books uh da trolleh weyz is at da bottom uh da Great Sea. Ah don’ ‘spect dat dis beh wut evereh troll does or dat all dese ‘ere rituahs is still in use. Alsa, ah don’ recommen’ dat aneh joo uda specehs trah mosta dem as mosta dem requahr da stamina uf da trolleh mon an’ woemon ta complete – das’ doctas ordas!

Anywez, so ‘ere dey is:

Dance uh Da Spahda Woemon

Dis ‘ere ritual popula wit dem Widahbahk trolls an’ der spidereh weyz. Da woemon takes uh dozen small daggas an’ dips dem in da letal poisons uf dem deadleh Hintalan’ Broodgahd spahdas. Da mon setz ‘is weapon down an’ bota dem git rid uh da cumbasome an’ protective ahma. Den da duel stahts. If da mon kin survahve all dat poison, den ‘es good ‘nuf fer da woemon an’ dey ‘ficialleh mated. If da mon dahs, den good riddance ta bad breedin’ an’ on ta da nex’ troll. Dis ‘splains wah so maneh dem Widahbahk trolls is woemons an’ alsah wah dose few dat is men is mostleh crazeh in da head.

Da Tradishunahl Dance ‘Neat da Waves

Dis ona da moe traditional rituahs for dose ‘oo lahk ta keep da olde weyz. Doe dis ritual coul’ be performed anywer wit deep enuf wata, dey sez i’s mos’ effective on da smood an’ fahn sans on da coast above Grom’Gol wer da ancestahs used ta live. Da woemon an’ mon troll dahve down ta da sea flow. Once der, each opens uh small clam (not ona dem gian’ ones down der) – if eda dem fahnd uh pearl in der clam den dey won da duel an da couple is mated wit da blessin’ uf da sea.

Onleh one couple in da books ah read eva foun’ two pearls – dat wuz Wuzabazin an’ Heratoki uh coupla hunnred years back – everehbahdeh sez dem doubleh blessed until dey swimmin’ back ta sho’ an’ Wuzabazin wuz pulled beneat da waves bah uh stran’ uh stranglekep der an’ Heratoki dahd trahin’ ta free ‘im. Ta dis day if ya look real close from da raht angle, joo kin still see da two dem stuck kissin' wit der las' bret uh air in da coral down der in da Vahl Reef.

Anywez, wer wuz ah? Oh, yeah. If needa dem trolls fahnd uh pearl (which is mos’ lahkley), den dey bot drop da wortless clams an’ da duel stahts raht der unda da sea. Dey don’ git ta use no poshuns or spells fer breedin’ unda wata (doe if dey successful, mebbe dey be breedin’ unda wata lata, eh?). If eeda dem drown unda da wata, den da union weren’ meant ta beh.

Duel of a Tousan’ Moons

Dis one da epic kinda rituah dat we don’ see too much uh dese days. It requahr some plannin’ an’ bot’ da trolls gotta beh prepared mennalleh an’ physicalleh. On uh naht wit uh full moon, bot da trolls meet on da toppa uh mountain dat is ona da talles’ in da lan’ dey in. Den da firs’ uh maneh duels begins. Wen ona dem trolls loses uh duel, den da victah gits ta tell da uda troll wut piece uh ahma dey gotta put away. Bot’ da trolls heal der woun's an' take uh swig uh da ceremoniahl mojo (or cherreh grog) an’ dey go at it agin. Dis continues wit da duels travellin’ all ‘roun’ da nearbah lan’ until ona two tings happens:

1) One dem trolls win fahve straight duels – if dis da case den da trolls ain’ balanced an’ dey ain’ raht fer each uda. Den ders usualleh some teahs an’ da two trolls go der own ways.

2) Ona dem trolls ain’ got no uda ahma ta put away. If dis ‘appen witout ona dem trolls winnin’ fahve duels in uh row, den da trolls is uh fair match an’ dey be good fer each uda, since dey balanced.

Dis kinda duelin’ is tough, but joo know wen joo seen da trolls dat mated unda da Tousan’ Moons, cuz dey in balance wit each uda.
Edited by Amaelalin on 4/25/2012 6:36 PM PDT
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100 Night Elf Priest
12485
Da Quick an’ Dirteh

Dis ain’ so much uh rituah, but it bin used troo tahm ‘immemoriah an’ it vereh populah wit da youngin’s now dayz. ‘Ere’s ow it works.

Da woemon troll sez ta da mon troll: “We gonna duel.”

Da mon troll ida shuts his gob an’ duels or ‘e runs lahk ‘ell. Onleh de dummes’ uf da mon trolls stan’ der an’ argues and dose dat do deserve ta beh cut down bah da woemon – keeps da dumness outta da trolleh breedin’ stock.

Bot da trolls duel until ona dem gives up. Den dey mate.

Dis mettid got da good an’ bad sahd. It easeh an’ quick – dats good. But it don’ got no cost ta it, so der ain’ no way ta determin’ weda each uf dah trolls is serious. Dis results in lotsa matin’s breakin’ up an’ lots more quick an’ dirteh duelin’. Course, mebbe das not so bad, so long as ya alwez win da duel.

But?!?

Ah know, ah know, suma joo panseh elfies an’ joo simple hummies an’ joo soft little squishy gnomes is wonnerin’ wah da trolls gotta faht at all – Joo sayin’ “Wah kin’ja jis’ ava nahse ceremoneh wit uh pries’ an’ flowas an’ everehbahdeh crahin’ an’ wutnot?” CUZ DAT AIN’ DA TROLLEH WAY’Z WAH. Wahl dem industrious orcs maht tink we trolls is lazeh, dey don’ unnastan’ dat we realleh jis’ savin’ our strengt fer da impotan’ stuff. An matin’ is about da mos’ impotan’ ting anehbahdeh kin do (sorreh boneys). When we wonnerin’ weda some troll, no matta ‘ow fahn she is an’ ‘ow nahse ‘er tusks, is da raht one fer commitin’ we gotta know fer sure - so dats wah we willin’ ta faht fer it. An' needa sahd is willin' ta jis' surrenda - dey got more respec' fer each uda den dat.

An’ if ya still wonnerin’ about da smarts uh da trolleh weyz mebbe joo should tink about ‘ow joo goin’ ‘roun’ da worl’ fahtin’ fer uh new shahny piece uh ahma or uh sword er sumtin’. Is dat moe impotan’ den fahndin’ da raht mate?

Ah don' tink so!
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100 Undead Warrior
10065
Docta Hrookhzin, yesss! It wasss he, before he went mad, that certified Abominusss to be the Horde'sss only Combat Barber, yesss!
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100 Orc Shaman
17265
Hrook ain't mad. He's jes' on vacation.

Lucky bastard.
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84 Troll Rogue
2215
*Reads note, begins chuckling.*

Tings mons be sayin'...
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100 Human Paladin
11305
I miss Dr. Hrook. I still remember that rp Dree set up on the island where I was supposed to kill Hrook for Dree. Bad Dree. Bad Gen for being such a horrible pvper back then and letting Hrook get away.

Thanks mae mae.
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100 Human Paladin
11305
In case some people missed this, it's a fun read. Now someone send Dr. Hrook a rez scroll.
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90 Night Elf Hunter
5105
*Pip comes home to Tyr with a dubious paper in his jaws*

*Tyr takes paper from the cat and reads*

...The... f***.

...No, Pip, it's not edible.

((Excellence. Pure. Excellence.))
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85 Tauren Hunter
3975
((I miss this man.))
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