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May 26 Edition
Orgrimmar Department of Education unveils new literacy program
Secretary Osh'grom Skullcrush calls program "reel gud"
The Orgrimmar Department of Education released the latest guidelines for measuring literacy rates across the Horde. Previous editions called for minimum standards in reading and writing comprehension based on Common Orcish. Due to declining population statistics, low birth rates, and a large exodus of citizens of the Horde, the already low standards in literacy have been removed, and no language will be used in the guidelines. As current Secretary of Education Osh'grom Skullcrush puts it, "Y u maek evry1 try talk gud? U no wut i sez!"
An excerpt from the new guidance*:
if u no talk u r not litiret
if u can has talk but no talk bcuz u git maed fun, u r dum lol
if u no wut i sez nad i no wat u sez tehn we r gud
if u no teh letturz u r litarit
if u reed teh lettirs u r supar liturat
According to Secretary Skullcrush, the new guidelines were meant to improve dramatically lowered literacy rates across the Horde. Some proponents of the plan put the blame squarely on former Secretary Mogrim Wyrmreaver, who wrote the previous guidelines that mandated a basic understanding of Common Orcish, and required sample testing of citizens to ensure they were capable of reading and writing. During his tenure, the average literacy rate of the Horde plummeted from 60% to less than 2%. By removing any requirements involving reading or writing in any language, the current administration hopes to improve the reading and writing skills of the general populace by at least 6% over the next two years.
* Editor's Note: I think that's what it says. It was written in tomato sauce on an old guild tabard in what might have once been ancient Orcish hieroglyphs.
Exactly the type of lowbrow thinking I would expect from an undead and this news agency. Just Typical! In the future, please survey more than just the orcs, as the Horde are a much more diverse group. Secretary Skullcrush and the minions under Garrosh are only interested in their warmongering and don't realize that hey, there are Blood Elves that are perfectly literate and articulate for that matter. I understand that this may be beyond the comprehension for one of the Forsaken, perhaps I can put it into easier language for you...."not all horde r dum folk, some uf us can read good and stuff"
~Considered Citizen of Azeroth~
Edited by Astheria on 5/26/2012 8:12 AM PDT
May 27 Edition
Pollution Concerns in Goblin Slums lead to peaceful protests
Peaceful protests lead to bloodshed when Hellscream attacks "rebels"
Amid growing worries about contaminated drinking water, mutant poisonous fish, and a foul smell in the goblin slums, several local goblins held hands and sang songs of protest directed at the current Warchief, Garrosh Hellscream. The singing was cut short by screams of terror as a half dozen Horde siege engines rolled through the gathering, crushing the protesters under spiked wheels of death. Grommash Hold press secretary Umlok met with journalists shortly after the incident in an attempt to assure the public that, "all overt or covert acts of treason will be met with equally brutal reprisals."
Celebratory Peace Pipe Leads To Mayhem
Maiden launch of zeppelin meets fiery end
An expected upgrade to the Horde Aerial Transit Authority met an unexpected end earlier today, when embers from a tauren peace pipe ignited the canvas balloon of the newest zeppelin, the Cloud Cleaver. The canvas, which had been treated with an oil-based water repellent, quickly turned into a flying fiery inferno, and culminated in a massive explosion when the Steam Heated Ignition Torch hit the Forward Arrayed Nebulizers and the fuel tanks detonated. Flaming scraps of metal and goblin were seen raining down on places as far away as Thunder Bluff.
The newly designed airship featured such comforts as seats, windows, and a ceiling, and had been under construction for over six months. The latest model was to replace the ailing Mark I and Mark II goblin zeppelins currently servicing the Horde's airways. All other airships under construction are on hold until further notice.
17 Orc Pileup Leaves 2 Dead, 4 Injured
Dwarf and Human found under pile
A traffic jam in the Valley of Strength left Orgrimmar guards and residents confused late Sunday night, as emergency responders struggled to pull apart the wreckage and aid the injured. According to eyewitnesses, a dwarf and a human were seen on the road just outside Grommash Hold, before a large group of nearby orcs convened on the scene in a calamitous crash. Most of the orcs involved were traveling on worgs or wyverns, but a few of the survivors appeared to be pedestrians. As of sunrise, the wreckage had been cleared, with the injured treated and released at the scene. The two dead were unidentified, but are presumed to be the dwarf and human.
Malaky Blackdawn confesses to bruiseweed addiction
Three days sober, famed Warblade of Acherus salutes champions of Tol Barad
Legendary Warblade of Acherus Malaky Blackdawn, a usually stalwart defender of Tol Barad, missed the chance to battle the Alliance over possession of the island today due to ongoing problems with bruiseweed abuse. He has confirmed that he is currently undergoing treatment for his addiction. The Horde forces managed without him, and threw the attacking Alliance scum back into the ocean. When asked for any messages to his fans, he responded, "What? I have fans?"
Rumors of Jaina Proudmoore's alcohol abuse surface
Long-time friend of former Warchief Thrall alleged to be in rehab
Rumors surfaced today that Jaina Proudmoore, the leader of Theramore Isle, is secretly attending Azeroth Alcoholics Anonymous (AAA) for excessive drinking. According to an anonymous source, the daughter of Grand Admiral Daelin Proudmoore has been seeking treatment for a rash of binge drinking incidents. One member of the group, who asked to for anonymity due to the program's rules about anonymity, believes the archmage's problems began when Thrall and Aggra made their close relationship public. Old gossip claimed the archmage and former Warchief were romantically involved, albeit secretly due to their positions within the Alliance and Horde. Jaina Proudmoore refused to comment, and her press secretary denied any alcoholism or other substance abuse issues.
Dwarven archaeologists uncover dwarven archaeologists
Apparently, these midgets have been digging forever
A team of dwarven archaeologists recently unearthed evidence of ancient dwarven archaeologists, who were suspected of digging for even-more-ancient dwarven archaeologists in the hills surrounding Loch Modan. The find included several complete skeletons, mining picks, and intact blasting powder kegs. Several of the skeletons had pieces of yet another skeleton in what would have been their bellies, leading the archaeologists to believe that the other archaeologists ate another archaeologist after being trapped by a cave-in.
Due to a lack of sophisticated artifact dating capabilities, the dwarves declared the relics over 1.6 trillion years old, much older than elves, trolls, humans, troggs, tauren, and pretty much anything else on Azeroth, including Azeroth.
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