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Sometimes I warmly reflect on all the things that have happened during this journey; the orange road of youth I walked as the sunset cast its spangling rays upon me and glimmered in the orange sky like morning stars.
God I'm awesome. 900 years ago when I first started playing in Abe Lincoln's log cabin (on 56k, of course) I was Melbogathra The Black, Officer in the DWP, feared and dreaded warlock of the 9th circle, master of the wending shadow, caller of tentacles, defiler of school girls. But time and hate have matured me into a fine young Sailor in the United States Navy, and now as a real bonified grownup I can stand before Shadow Council and delicately explain why we're better than all of you morons.
Do you remember when conflagurate had a casting time? DWP remembers and I mastered Dire Maul. I was grinding fire elementals in Ungoro crater for essence of fire while you were digital !@#$%. I server firsted Magmadar back when the horde could only field 30 man raids. I beat Kael'thas when it was relevant. DWP got Heroic Lich King 10 but I wasn't there because I was too busy nailing your sister. I descended upon Troy like the dusk, a full generation of Grecians not prepared for the ill iambic beats I rained upon them like a burning plague.
Then some things happened and I went to bootcamp and it was way easier than Kael'thas because hot damn Kael'thas was hard. When I got back all of shadow council grew ^-*!@#s and stopped caring about raiding and drama wars and internet dragons. I cast my eyes upon the server like the baleful gaze of an angry God. What happened to the cut-throat guild wars? The fearsome, impossible raid bosses? The bottomless depths of despair we hurled ourselves into in the name of purple gear?
If you're ready to stop being a little girl and start being a man (or manly woman) it's time to quit your stupid little guild and join DWP. Are you in a little guild of friends? I'll eat your guilds soul and absorb you into ours. Your guild leader is a $%^-*. I !@#$ed his mom. Every day you spend in a guild other than ours is a another battle the terrorists have won. Come to http://www.deepwaterpirates.com/forums/index.php and apply and you will know true glory. The nations of the world will cheer your name and you will finally find a girlfriend, you useless nerdy loser. No one will love you in blue gear. Fate has given you a second chance. Only a fool would turn my offer aside. Please marry me (again) Sauura.
LETS SEE WHAT RANDOM MILFS ON THE INTERNET HAVE TO SAY ABOUT OUR GUILD
Many of the letters the Drama Mamas receive are from players who don't actually have a problem they need or want to solve; they're simply seeking support and permission to move on. Boy, is it tough to let go! People naturally feel trepidation about leaving a known environment, even when it's the very thing making them unhappy. We cling to the familiar, losing sight of the fact that if we change nothing, nothing changes.
Sometimes, though, the best thing to do is to calmly pick up, dust off, and move on. While the columns we've linked below don't necessarily represent times the Drama Mamas thought moving on was the best or only solution, they do illustrate the tangle of denial many players find themselves in over circumstances that are right there in black and white.
You know it's time to move on when ...
Your guild condones or even promotes public drama.
We've maxed out threads calling out packs of retards such as <The Dark Lords of Chaos> and <Black Omen>. Suck it world!
Your guild has no firm rules.
Why would a guild have rules? That would promote idiotic ideals like sobriety and not sexually harassing disabled girls
You're expending emotional energy to tolerate an atmosphere that doesn't fit what you want from a guild.
Sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking about how the deepwater pirates aren't helping me fulfill my purple related ideals, only my drunken and blatantly illegal needs
You've made it a rule to refuse to group or speak with a guildmate who plays with you frequently.
I've had Dramaega on ignore since 2009
You don't actually play with the people in your guild -- and you're lonely.
Sometimes I play with myself. I'm so lonely.
Theoretically, your guild sounds like a good fit, but it doesn't work out that way in practice.
What does that even mean? These broads must have degrees from an online college
Your guild is home to a scene or person you realize you'd be better off avoiding.
My misadventures with Loopus and Mogre will probably land me in jail someday
The reasons you're uncomfortable in your guild outweigh the reasons you "should" be
If you put a frog in hot water, he'll hop out right away. If you put him in slowly and give him a gun he'll join the navy
Your GM is ineffective and can't (or won't) regulate the guild's operations and atmosphere.
This has been true since Blurgle was organizing molten core progression raids
That Guy just ruins the whole thing.
I wonder who that guy is?
You want to raid, but there's no room for you on the team.
If this were a deal breaker every other raiding guild in the world would break up. Besides, we're horde and haven't had a full raid since Lucifron.
Casual raiding is your thing, but your guild has changed playstyles to hardcore.
I'm too casual for this game. I just don't give a !@#$. The club cant even handle me right now, and I don't care.
The guild leader is a thief and/or a stooge.
What if he's a %^-*!@#$%?
You or your significant other strayed (via chat or otherwise) with a guildie.
This is retarded. This sentence has an extra chromosome. I hate whoever thinks this is a thing that happens in real life
The only reason you are staying is that the guild is made up of family.
My parents were killed and I was raised by wolves. Then I was raised by bears who killed the wolves.
The guild culture changed and you don't want to change with it (which is perfectly fine).
There is no culture in WoW. WoW is the death of culture. There are sociology books that are blank now because of WoW.
Your GM won't give up ownership of the guild but is never there.
Wow, this is the third reason involving the GM this chick has brought up. Looks like "somebody" spent some time in the closet with guild master Uncle Molester
You want to raid casually, but your guildies can't even beat normal modes.
You were falsely accused, judged, and sentenced for a guild infraction without any evidence.
Kageyama banned me from the guild website for posting ^-*!@# of Little Red Riding Hood, but there was no evidence she was under 18. Nice job Kage, or should I say, ADOLF HITLER!?
Loot rules aren't followed consistently.
Hahaha, loot rules.
I think RP writing in WoW is a bunch of people trying to be in a heavier version of Lord of the Rings the same way that metal is a bunch of bands trying to be a heavier version of Metallica in that same !@#$%^- grim frostbitten forest. To remedy this I've decided to take back the night with a bold new vision of Role Playing in WoW.
In the World (of Warcraft) there are wizards and warriors, lords and liches, brides and barbarians. And then there is Bad Larry. Bad Larry is not one man, just as one man is not the World (of Warcraft). Bad Larry is a weary traveler on a dusty trail, and a mighty wizard, and the man who spins the wheels. Bad Larry rides on the tides of fate and carries in his heart the fantastic knowledge of the cosmos and glistens with the scintillating colors of a rainbow. A bad rainbow. But mostly, he's Melbogathra. And Melbogathra is you.
You are Melbogathra.
Melbogathra the Bad and El Luchador, The Fist of Hatred
>Be in the magical realm of Azeroth.
>It kind of blows.
>Most of the good plot lines have been solved by neckbeards in Europe and the racist caricatures in Pandaria aren't that interesting.
>These days you just kinda meander around tirisfal and eat Prince Malchazar brand ramen
>You look at the styrofoam container before chucking it
>"Kim-chi is the flavor in which you BURN!"
>You walk through the streets of Brill
>Everything is really nice and highly rendered, and there are these neat looking vats everywhere
>It's not like you remember it, back in the day there were like 6 people and everything was falling apart
>Not to mention they were all obsessed with that mill up north and all those Acamand chumps
>Who the hell were they anyways?
>There are forsaken running around everywhere
>Most of them have those stupid looking black shoulders and ninja mask
>And then there's this one guy with a luchador mask and a sombrero and-
>He trots up to you on the skeletal war mule he's riding
>Its even more racist up close
>"Hello my friend! Are you here to quest for the sensual garments of Kel'thuzad?"
"What the christ why would you say that? Why is this happening to me?"
>"We must venture to the eastern wastelands of El Dorado and find his golden floating city
"No part of that is true how did you even get that mask is there a new patch today"
>"Though a tyrant in death, time has not cooled his BURNING LATINO PASSION. We will storm the gates of El Dorado and steal his gold."
"Okay first of all Kel'thuzad has been dead... again... for like 5 years and hes not even on this continent"
>"We must have faith in our fiery hearts and our burning desires my friend."
"I ain't your friend guy."
>You're walking with the masked zombie towards the Western Plaguelands
>Its not like you have anything better to do
>He says his name is "El Luchador, the fist of Hatred"
>He puts a strong emphasis on "Hatred" and you think you see a sparkle in his undead eye
>You wonder how a forsaken can be a wrestler
>Most of his muscles are rotted and he must weigh like sixty pounds
>You come upon the bulwark of the plaguelands
>Actually, it looks really bright and pretty beyond the walls
>You look around for Suprise Spider and Welcome Bear
>All you find are a bunch of healthy looking animals
>What a gyp
>You follow the road to New Hearthglen
>Its turned into a really ritzy gated community since the cataclysm
>The sentries challenge you
>"Halt! Who approaches?"
"Only a man. The baddest man, among men."
>You strike a dramatic pose.
>Sentries love dramatic poses.
>"Why, its Melbogathra, the Hand Of Adal! Open the gates!"
>Sentries better recognize
>You make your way through the bustling city
>There's a big building in the middle on a hill
>It must be the City Hall.
>You poke your head inside and see a familiar face at the front desk
>She's wearing the Arcanist set from Molten Core
>It looks ridiculous
>She spies you at the door
>"Oh, Hello Melbo! Are you here to file for residency?"
"I don't have money to buy a house, I spent all my gold on a certain ring"
>"I, I'm sorry to hear that! What brings you to New Hearthglen?
"What brings YOU to New Hearthglen?"
>You point a bony finger at her
>"Well, I give economic and sociological advice to Tirion Fordring, and collect the taxes. It's making me fantastically wealthy and forging a political foundation for my campaign in the Dalaran wizardocracy."
>What the Hell is a wizardocracy, is that even a thing?
>A thing that is real?
"Anyway I'm going to "El Dorado" to find the "Sensual Latin Gold" of Kel'thazud."
You try to make little air quotes with your hands but Felheart gloves are like oven mitts
>"W,What? What possessed you to do that?
>You gesture towards El Luchadore
>He rides in with the sun spangling behind him like dawn upon the glistening folds of the sea
>What is this I don't even
Edited by Merbogathra on 12/13/2012 9:44 PM PST
>Actually, it looks really bright and pretty beyond the walls
The Gospel of Melbogathra.
El Dorado, Patch 1.11
>Sauura puts her hands on her cheeks in surprise
>"Oh my! Who's your friend Melbogatha?"
>El Luchador takes off his sombrero and bows comically low
>"Forgive me, my fine senorita, but a Luchador must never reveal his identity. A Luchador's face is like a man's heart, hidden beneath the waves of a sea of passion, lost in the mists of time"
>He moves towards Sauura and puts her hand up to his lips, kissing it gingerly
>Unbelievably, Sauura is eating this !@#$ up.
>"I had no idea you kept the company of such gentlemen, Melbo! Hee hee!
>There's a devil or a GM out there that has it out for you
>Not even Noam Chomsky can save you now
"Look this is just positively %^-*ing heartwarming but I'm kind of busy and cant melinger around this sick town hall"
>Sauura's face lights up
>"Oh! I was just about to have go for a walk with another one of our friends. Why don't you two join us?"
>Sauura looks at you innocently
"Okay I don't see why not"
>Your eye catches a glimpse of a Tauren silhouette from around the corner
>You shutter involuntarily
>Oh God no
>She's wearing the full armor of The Lightbringer
>Except the pants
>She has on a ripped ogre loincloth instead
>The room seems to bend around her
>She's shining in radiant splendor as the very light is drawn from the world and bends towards its wayward master
>The outside world appears a darker place
>It looks like a glittering prismatic tunnel into her !@#$%^
>She booms out in mirth upon seeing you
>"Melbogathra! Is blaspheming The Light your fetish?
>You're at a loss for words
>You turn 360 degrees and moonwalk away
>The door slams shut
>You feel a sinking sensation in your chest, among other places
>You throw up your arms in exasperation and scream
"DO YOU EVEN SEE ANY OF THIS!? HOW HORRIBLE AND PERVERTED AND WRONG THIS IS!"
>Sauura was conveniently distracted by a butterfly and didn't catch any of Shalfae's advances
>El Luchador is flexing his bony arms
>Shalfae winks at you
>Not with her eyes
>This is it. Adal has forsaken you. You're getting -*!@ed by the devil. You've sold your soul.
>Sauura snaps out of it.
>"Lets go for a walk in the sunshine guys! ^_^"
>You don't know how a person can mouth an emote but there you go
>The four of you are walking along the road to the east
>Shalfae keeps staring at your crotch
>Luckily Felheart robes leave much to the imagination
>Its a peaceful sunny day
>Not even Elwyn is this pretty
>The plaguelands have come a long way since you first laid eyes on them
>Stepping off the road meant death, and there were horrors lurking around every thorny bush and dead tree
>Now there's nothing but migrants and settlers from the cataclysm
>A few wave as you walk by
>You're pretty well known around these parts
>All the veterans of the first plaguelands campaign are
>Maybe a half hour passes in comfortable silence
>Shalfae speaks up
>"So what are you doing all the way out here Melbo-chan? Are you here to accept my love?
>She makes a <3 appear in the air
"Okay first of all I hate you and everything you stand for"
"Secondly I'm here to point and laugh at a skeleton in a mexican wrestler outfit"
"To help mend my shatterglass ego"
>"Aw, Melbo! That's no way to talk to your future wife mister"
"I hope you get mad cow disease"
>Sauura glares at you
>"Melbo! Shalfae is just being nice, you should at least give her a chance."
"She's always trying to molest me and guess my fetish!"
>Sauura scrunches up her face.
>"That doesn't sound like something Shalfae would do! You're just making up stories"
>Shalfae give you bedroom eyes
>It comes off as a little rapey
>"Are Mexican wrestlers your fetish Melbo! I could check the auction house later~"
>Sometimes you wish you joined <Black Omen>
>You're now close enough to the eastern plaguelands to see Lights Hope Chapel over the horizon
>The ground beneath you is starting to take on a sickly yellow hue, and there's a stale stench in the air
>It must be much later than you though, the sun is setting
>You look over and see its not the sun setting but a shadow being cast over the road
>There's a huge floating object in the sky blotting out the sun
>You don't #$%^ing believe it
The Third Naxxramas Campaign
>You look at the impossible structure in the sky
>Naxxramas has been abandoned for years
>Now it's here, right back in the thick of things
>Looks like there's big trouble in little China town
>As opposed to big China town
>Which is Pandaria
>Sauura is concerned
>"Oh no! We have to tell Tirion that Naxxramas has returned!"
"WHY DON'T YOU E-MARRY AND ABANDON HIM WHILE YOU'RE THERE YOU !@#$!"
>The three of them stare at you
>You clear your throat
"What I meant to say was that we should just ask around at Lights Hope"
>They nod slowly
>The eastern plaguelands are as sickly looking as ever
>The scourge have been beaten back, however
>You occasionally pass a mutated bat or larva
>You remember killing like 300 of them when you were a young warlock
>The Light's Hope Chapel is a lot nicer since the last time you were here
>There's actually grass growing and people are laughing and smiling
>You guess not being on the front lines of a doomed campaign against an invincible undead scourge is a good pick me up
>You march into the chapel like you own the place
>Hell you probably do own the place, you're one of like 6 people that are exalted with Argent Dawn
>A lot of scourge stones went into that title
>A lot of dead headmasters
>Everyone inside looks at you
"Hey you guuuuuuuuuys"
>A collective groan rises from the room
>A human woman in golden armor speaks up first
>"Where have you been!? Do you know how hard it was to rebuild this whole region alone?
"Nope, don't really care."
>"We've slaved away tirelessly to purge the evil from these lands! There's more to war than winning battles "Hand of Adal" Melbogathra!"
>She tries to make little quotation marks but her gloves don't bend all the way
>It makes her look like shes doing the Pandarean dance
>Yes that one
"Listen I'm sure it was an epic undertaking clearing out the level 30 bats and everything but I was kinda busy dealing with the end of the world"
>A man in priest robes jumps in
>"You've barely done anything since the Northrend campaign! Did you even participate in the final battle at Wyrmrest temple?
"I was busy that Day"
"I was doing... things"
>You hope that's a word
>A man rises from the head seat and begins to speak
>You recognize him as Lord Tyrosis
>"Melbogathra! You are the most irresponsible champion of the Argent Dawn I have ever seen! Do you not care about your home? Your ancestral lands? The fate of the Eastern Kingdoms?"
>You make sure to say each letter out loud
>You're trying to raise your reputation with the hipster faction
>He gestures towards Sauura
>"At least some of our heroes care about this world of ours! Have you come as a representative of Lord Tirion?
>Sauura blushes a little
>You don't see forsaken blush very often
>What with having no bloodflow and all
>"Oh goodness! I'm only here by chance, we've come to see about this Naxxramas lookalike."
>She curtsies a little
>Tyrosis crosses his arms
>"Thats no lookalike! It is indeed the dread citadel, Naxxramas!"
>El Luchador trots forward, his warmule's bony hooves clacking on the stone floor
>"No, it is El Dorado, risen from the depths of Stranglethorn, heaped to the brims with its sensual Latin gold!"
>Tyrosis rolls his eyes
>"No, we're pretty sure it's Naxxramas. We stared at it for like 9 months during the first campaign."
>"El Dorado, El Luchador says, making sure to roll the "r" excessively long
>"-El Dorado, whatever. I don't even care anymore. It's risen again for "some" reason."
>He, along with the other people in the room, glare at the robed man
>He shifts uncomfortably
>"Look, this time Kelthazud seemed really sincere about wanting to repent.
>"Father Montoy, he's betrayed us like 4 times so far!", the woman shouts
>He raises his nose
>"The fifth times the charm! So what if his phylactory keeps falling in my hands!
>Holy !@#$ these people are retarded
"No wonder your church has been sacked and all your people are dead, you guys suck"
>"Melbo! These are the high councilmen, be polite!
>Tyrosis steps forward
>He spreads his arms dramatically
>"In these times of peace we do not have the manpower to repel another invasion! It falls on you, the heroes of Azeroth, to save us from the undead horror!
>You raise an eyebrow
"The heroes of Azeroth? A mexican wrestler, a %^-*!@ cow, a tax collecter and the sexiest, baddest warlock of all time?"
>You strike a quick pose.
>Shalfae licks her lips
>You shrink back
>"Okay not really, but like everyone else in the world is in Pandaria right now and you're pretty much all we have left."
"Okay whatever. I don't have anything better to do."
>"Splendid! All we need is a donation of arcane and nexus crystals for your attunement."
"Hahaha no we'll just fly up there
>You turn 360 degrees and moonwalk out the door
>You hear the sound of facepalms as you exit
>Damn it's great to be a gangster
>You stand before the portal to Naxxramas
>The wind is howling unnaturally, and the familiar glow of the runic circle seems to draw you in
>Sauura is the first to speak up
>"This is it! We have to save the world from the scourge one last time!"
"I'm kind of indifferent to the fate of the world, actually
"I just sort of do things arbitrarily
>Shalfae jumps up and down excitedly
>"Is Incan gold your fetish Melbo? After we find some I know where you can make a deposit"
>You shudder, as if freezing
>You should have brought a sweater, and a chastity belt
>"Hurry my friends, adventure and burning passion await within!"
>El Luchador tips his hat dramatically
>You really should have switched to Guild Wars
>You stand in the center of Naxxramas
>It's freezing cold, you can see your breath hanging in the air
>There are the four familiar hallways leading into the twisted corners of the citadel.
>You walk confidently down one at random
>A pack of spiders the size of goats skitter by and look at you curiously
>NOPE NOPE NOPE
>You run and don't walk towards the plague wing, not for great savings
>The four of you are walking towards Noth's chambers
>An eerie silence pervades the area, there's no sign of life (or un-life) anywhere
>Sauura speaks up
>"We have to keep our guard up everyone! There's not telling what Noth has been brewing
since our last visit!
>"Maybe he's been brewing MY DICK", Shalfae quips
>The two of you share a laugh
>Shalfae is pretty cool when shes not trying to guess your fetish or molest you
>Noth is alone in his chambers
>The aged necromancer is missing patches of hair and his robes are torn and disheveled
>He's stirring a smoking cauldron in the center of the room
"Hail and well met my good man! We've come to invade your home and take all your stuff. A priest and a mexican wrestler told me to."
>He looks up with a scowl
>"Lets see how you contend with Noth the Plagebringer!", he hisses
>A shadowy mass of black miasma assaults you
>Your nose tickles a little, you sneeze
"Looks like you're a little behind on the times"
"I'm implying you're level 60 again"
"This is a thing that happened"
>You march over and punch him in the stomach
>He collapses in a heap on the floor
>You kick over the cauldron, sending its scalding contents pouring over his body
>"AHH! MY SPECIAL BREW CHILI! ITS MELTING THE FLESH OFF MY BONES WITH ITS AMAZING FIVE ALARM FLAVOR!"
"Looks like that 60 runic power wasn't worth the trouble after all you scumbag!"
>You start kicking him in the ribs
>Shalfae and El Luchador join in, soon the three of you are pummeling him with blows as he writhes in agony
>Luckily, a thick veil of steam obscures the gruesome scene from D.E.H.T.A.'s watchful eyes
>Necromancers are endangered as !@#$
>Sauura is mortified
>"S-stop! If we're this much stronger than they are we can negotiate some kind of treaty!"
>You laugh at the idealistic mage
"Negotiate with my %^- you harpy"
>You line up Noth's jaw with the corner of the room
>"Anything but that!", she says, horrified
"It's time to TASTE THE CURB NOTH"
>You make him taste the curb
>It's really dark and edgy
>Maybe he'll post about it on Macebook
>Its like Facebook but without all the copyright infringement
>You leave his body in a heap in the corner and abscond
>Tempers flare and gang violence is an urban lullaby on the cold streets of Naxxramas
Melbogathra vs the World (Of Warcraft)
>You scrape bits of Noth's pancreas off your boot as walk towards the next chamber
>You mentally prepare a witty one-liner for your hated foe, Heigan the Unclean
>He humiliated you in the last great dance battle of Azeroth
>He will suffer
>You hear the murmur of many voices and the bustling of activity ahead, behind a thick oaken door
>Sauura looks uneasy
>"Be careful everyone! Heigan has surely prepared a trap for us up ahead!
"A trap for MY DICK"
>You and Shalfae share another laugh
>Sauura looks angry
>Don't you have anything meaningful to contribute? Besides @#@!%##% jokes!?
"Only my vast intellect and terrifying power"
"But mostly my @#@!%##%"
>Shalfae jumps and raises her hand
>"Ooh! Ooh! Is ego stroking your fet-
>You kick the door off its hinges and barge in with weapons drawn
>Inside, you see where all the other inhabitants of the plague wing have gone
>There are dozens of tables set up with acolytes scribbling hastily onto parchment
>There are stacks going up to the ceiling
>Ghouls and skeletons are shuffling around carrying heaps of thin looking books
>There are industrial size scanners and copiers lined up along the walls
>Shalfae is perplexed
>"W,what is this? Some kind of library?
>Sauura scratches her chin
>"This must be a nexus for some powerful rites of inscription! Perhaps this is the dark heart of the necromantic magic that pervades Naxxramas.
>You feel an icy chill
>Your heart is pounding
"No. Something far more foul is at work here."
>Emerging from the chaos is Heigan the Unclean
>He's holding one of those thin books in his hand
>"So kind of you to come, Melbogathra the Black! Are you here for another dance battle?"
>You shudder involuntarily
>You can never show your face in the club again
"I've come back from hell, just for you Heigan!"
>You point a bony finger at him, then turn that !@#$ rightside up
"I think its time for me to... cut in! To your face! With a knife."
>Aw yeah, witty one liners like that are why you make the big bucks
>Even though it was technically three lines
>And you've been reduced to eating ramen in the streets like a hobo
>Heigan laughs, a sound like wind whistling through bare trees
>"I am far too wise to face you on the field of battle. No Melbogathra, I have set much more sinister plans into motion."
>You're tired of this guessing game
"You third rate filler boss! What have you done!?"
>"Behold! The machination of your defeat."
>He throws the book at you
>It slides on the cold stone and taps against your felheart slipper (TM)
>You pick it up and read the cover:
>"Mega Milk Melbogathra: Pretty Neighbor".
>Dark clouds are forming on the edge of your mental horizon
>You open it and read the preface
>"Hey guys! Heigan-sama here =^_^= ! I hope you all enjoy our latest fan work, a lot of time and effort went into the localization in order to preserve the subtle innuendos and wordplay. Please support Circle Unclean's ero-manga releases to ensure our future works! <3<3<3"
>Your heart stops
>You can't breathe
"YOU PUBLISHED A %^-*!@ DOUJINSHI ABOUT ME!?"
>Heigan is nearly doubled over from laughing
>"Your dps is supreme, "warlock master-
>He tries to make little sarcastic quotation marks with his hands
>They're almost lame from 4-Chan induced carpal tunnel syndrome
>"-but lets see how well you fare in the battle of propaganda!"
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Harassing or discriminatory language. This will not be tolerated.