Real Tanks of Genius

100 Tauren Warrior
15505
Bud Light presents: Real Tanks of Genius
(Real Tanks of Genius!)

Today we salute you, Mr. Pull Everything in the Instance Guy.
(Mr. Pull Everything in the Instance Guy!)

Boldly you charge through entire packs of mobs, stomping on anything that moves.
(Look at me!)

Like a driver on the way to deliver a pizza, you want to be done in 20 minutes or less.
(I said look at ME!!!!)

The group questions your ability to hold everything, but you shout back, "Don't worry, I've got this."
(No seriously I SAID LOOK AT ME!!!!!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, oh Brother of the Bulldozer.
(Chick!)

Because of you, we get to make healers die a little inside.
(Mr. Pull Everything in the Instance Guy!)
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90 Human Monk
11525
Yes!
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90 Blood Elf Death Knight
12995
lolololol.
love it.

with that being said, every time I do an instance, I always try to pull a few more into one group than I did the time before, provided I was able to not come close to dying previously.

the faster I clear the instance, the faster I can do other things, and lets face it, getting as many satchels as possible in as small time frame as possible is the only way to go.
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90 Pandaren Priest
4455
Love it,

My head put in the voice overs without me thinking about it.
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90 Troll Druid
10305
Well played, good sir.
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100 Troll Druid
13080
simply amazing
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90 Night Elf Druid
10755
Excellent.

/salute
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90 Tauren Druid
13155
Very nice :)
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90 Blood Elf Paladin
7645
Awesome :D
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100 Draenei Priest
19910
You know what? I'm fine with pulling a lot and getting through quicker. 3-minute CDs are there to be used on trash.
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90 Night Elf Monk
8430
Mountdew Brewing Company Presents: Real Tanks of Genius.
(Real Tanks of Genius.)

Today we salute you, Mr Clueless Looking For Raid Tanking Guy.
(Clueless looking for raid tanking guy.)

No matter how many youtube videos, online strategies, or in-game hints are posted, you never, ever bother to read up on the strats.
(That's because reading is for sissies!)

You charge into the fray and fail to grab threat in the first few seconds, then laugh as your best DPS die.
(Haha, look at those newbs!)

Challenging healers with your superhuman squishines, you plunge to your doom on Elagon and get sucked into the Wind Lord's tornadoes time and time again.
(Look at me while I fly!)

While other tanks know where their taunt button is, and carefully position mobs, you stand your ground no matter how bad things get.
(Holy $#%@, what do all these stacks do?!!)

Do you kno how to play your class? No. Do you know how to abuse the queue? Absolutely.
(I like my instant queues!)

So here's to you oh actively non-mitigating meat shield of doom. Because even though your raid may hate you, you keep your the repair vendors in business, and for that you'll always be a hero... to us.
(Mr Clueless Looking for Raid Tanking Guy.)

This message brought to you by Mountain Dew Brewery. Healers not provided. Remember to tank responsibly.
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100 Night Elf Druid
5925
02/13/2013 08:09 AMPosted by Lightning
You charge into the fray and fail to grab threat in the first few seconds, then laugh as your best DPS die.


Seems like this calls for a post on Real DPS of Genius: Mr. Blow Every Cooldown You Have In The First 5 Seconds Guy.

Do you kno how to play your class? No. Do you know how to abuse the queue? Absolutely.
(I like my instant queues!)


Er... I thought tanks had the longest LFR queues of all. If I queue as tank and healer, I'm 99% likely to be assigned healer. Tanks only get good queues in LFD.

02/13/2013 08:09 AMPosted by Lightning
get sucked into the Wind Lord's tornadoes time and time again.


Sadly, this part is completely true. Even if I'm nowhere near them on my screen, I still get sucked in and dragged halfway across the room. And if I do manage to get near the end, then they start spawning right on top of me.

Although, technically, the guy with all the tornadoes is the Blade Lord. The Wind Lord is the guy who throws his blade at you and throws tons of blades at the whole raid. Weird, but there it is.
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90 Undead Warrior
15325
10/10 would read again
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90 Night Elf Monk
8430
02/13/2013 08:46 AMPosted by Calonderiel
Seems like this calls for a post on Real DPS of Genius: Mr. Blow Every Cooldown You Have In The First 5 Seconds Guy.


I always wait a good 15-20 seconds before I blow CDs on any fight. However, I find that Elemental Blast > Flame Shock > Lava Burst > Chain Lightning Spam on Ele Shaman or Jab > TP > RSK > SCK spam on monk will pull threat more often than not.

In fairness though, I believe Real DPS of Genius would be even more hilarious and sadly even more often true.

02/13/2013 08:46 AMPosted by Calonderiel
Er... I thought tanks had the longest LFR queues of all. If I queue as tank and healer, I'm 99% likely to be assigned healer. Tanks only get good queues in LFD.


Every time I queue up DPS we always seem to be waiting on tanks. Could just be my battle group or the days I do LFR.

Although, technically, the guy with all the tornadoes is the Blade Lord. The Wind Lord is the guy who throws his blade at you and throws tons of blades at the whole raid. Weird, but there it is.


Good point. And weird.

Also, all of it is intended to be tongue in cheek. I actually see more good tanks than bad ones. But the bad ones... lol.
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73 Dwarf Warrior
5605
This kind of reminds me how the old Warrior block system would work... BoA's at level 30 in WotLK, I could pull half of SM Graveyard and put on Shield Block, and since my strength was so high, it would block all damage. In that invincibility window, my Mage friend managed to kill most or even all of what I pulled with a couple blizzards.

Great times, and great post. Make more! :D
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100 Dwarf Warrior
9875
The great thing is the music was playing in my head the whole time i read these and even used the same voice from the commercials.
10/10
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90 Night Elf Death Knight
12055
...I'm missing something, aren't I.
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73 Dwarf Warrior
5605
02/13/2013 02:50 PMPosted by Krinu
...I'm missing something, aren't I.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ETrWZsYYJOQ
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90 Tauren Druid
13005
11/06/2012 11:59 AMPosted by Thenia
You know what? I'm fine with pulling a lot and getting through quicker. 3-minute CDs are there to be used on trash.


yes thank you, and I personally don't aim for 20 I am for 15. Heck the longer challenge mods are cleared in 20 I'm sure I can clear it with better gear (while non scaled gear) and a 15% damage buff faster.

Now there's a difference between pulling to get to the end and pulling everything in sight and knowing how much mana your healer has, and knowing what CDs you have available.
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