HELLSCREAM, OR UNDERSTANDING HOW GREAT HE IS AND HOW GOOD HE WAS
WRITTEN. Or just a guide if you want to be like him.
1. You must have daddy issues and extreme urge to be equal on the greatness of the
daddy in question, and use your daddy issues as an excuse for your behavior."MY HEROIC DADDY NEVER LURVED ME AND I'LL NEVER BE AS GREAT AS HIM BUT I'LL DO ANYTHING TO TRY INCLUDING STRIPPING AZEROTH OF ITS NATURAL RESOURCES AND KILLING EVERYTHING THAT DOESN'T THINK I'M GREAT. QnQ" Usually these standards are extremely unrealistic to which the character wants to
hold them self to or be better than, so it's a huge mess when they attempt to be great.
2. You must display sociopathic behaviors and have the personality of a temper tantrum throwing manchildman with the excuses of honor, valor, glory, power, or just because you want to display your mighty phallu- power throughout Azeroth. Go on entire excessive and violent war campaigns for the purpose of gathering lumber, and the added excuse of it being because the humans are icky and cootie filled. "FEL. LET'S GO PAINT PANDARIA RED, STRIP AZEROTH OF ITS TREES (-ALL- the Trees,) AND KILL SOME NETHER DAMNED HUMANS WHILE WE'RE AT IT!!!" "Why?" "BECAUSE RESOURCES THAT'S WHY." "What about simply trading," "FEL THAT LET'S GO IMPALE SOME HEADS AND KILL SOME PANDAS AND STUFF."
3. Intentionally alienate almost all of your own faction and be as disprespectful to everyone you can. Remember that all of your possible reasoning must be good hearted racism and thin lined excuses. "KEEP ALL THE DAMN GOBLINS, TROLLS, AND PANDAS AWAY FROM MY HOUSE." "Why?" "GOBLINS ARE SLIMY, TROLLS HATE ME, AND THE PANDAS ARE JUST PANSIES AND LAME."But sir... If you just gave them a chance and tried toimprove relati-" "FORGET THAT KEEP THE NON-GREENSKINNED OIL SMELLING FURRED MURLOC KISSERS AWAY FROM ME.”
4. Intentionally refuse to follow the advice of your advisers and further alienate our faction by firing all but one, "WHY DO PEOPLE THINK MY HEAD IS SO SMALL!?" "Beca-" "SHUT YOUR TREACHEROUS MOUTH, WAIT, WHY ARE THERE ONLY ONE OF YOU!?" "Be-" "I SAID SHUT YOUR MOUTH EITRIGG."
5. Refusal to admit you're wrong, "DAMN I'M AWESOME. EVERYTHING I'M
DOING IS PERFECT AND YOU'RE ALL GOING TO AGREE WITH ME OR I'LL
KILL YOU ALL OR SEND YOU TO LIVE WITH THE GOBLINS.”
6. Don't pay mind or even try to realize why your own faction might hate you. (IE: Being rude, disrespectful, stupid, and a poopyhead. A bit redundant, but it’s an elaboration of his empathy and genius.)
"VOL'JIN THREATENED ME!? I WON'T TRY TO IMPROVE RELATIONS OR REALIZE THAT I’M INNEFECTUAL; I'LL SEGREGATE THOSE VOODOO LOVING BREAKDANCING HEADSHRINKERS TO THE SLUMS WITH THE SMELLY GOBLINS AND THEIR FILTHY WATER. THAT'LL MAKE THEM NOT WANT TO KILL ME. ALSO. WE’RE GOING TO STEAL THEIR RICE BECAUSE SCREW YOU HAHA.”
"WHY WON'T THE TAUREN COME ANYWHERE NEAR ME!? I WAS ONLY THE GULLIBLE TOOL THAT WAS USED TO KILL THEIR LEADER AND GAVE THE MASTERMINDS BEHIND IT AN INNEFECTUAL AND STUPID AS FEL PUNISHMENT THAT WOULD ALLOW THEM TO WRECK MORE DAMAGE."
Or, furthermore, "HOW DARE YOU BE A TYRANT OF YOUR OWN PEOPLE AND WISH TO EXPAND YOUR NUMBERS BECAUSE YOU CAN'T PROCREATE AND SPREAD UNDER NATURAL MEANS. THAT'S SICK YOU !@#$%. AND HOW DARE YOU TRY TO MAKE UP FOR THE MISTAKE THAT WAS UNDER YOUR NOSE, BECAUSE IT TOTALLY WASN'T THE RESPONSIBILITY OF THE PERSON ACTUALLY STATIONED IN NORTHREND, WHICH WAS ME BY THE WAY, DAMN I'M AWESOME, WAIT. ANYWAY STOP TRYING TO FURTHER THE GROWTH OF YOUR PEOPLE BY ANY MEANS NECCESARY AND BEING A TYRANT, THAT’S MY JOB. DAMN I’M AWESOME... ALSO, I ALLOW YOUR DEADERS INTO MY EX-BANK SHACK OF AWESOME."
“EW WHAT ARE YOU THINGS. GROSS. GO LIVE WITH THE TROLLS."
"NO ONE GIVES A DAMN ABOUT BLOOD ELVES, NOT EVEN ME. THEY CAN COME IN HERE NAKED FOR ALL I DON'T CARE."
On a more recent note, “OKAY SO YOU’RE PANDAS. THAT’S COOL. I’M GOING TO FORCE YOU TO FIGHT THREE POTENTIALLY FATAL AND WILL MOST LIKELY KILL YOU MOBS AFTER TELLING YOU THAT YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO BETRAY YOUR PEOPLE OR YOU’LL BE DECAPITATED BECAUSE I’M THE BEST GUY EVER.”
He truly is a leader deserving of love and compassion from his people.
7. You must have the personality of a stereotypical and dimensional Barbarian from a Dungeons and Dragons campaign... where the player is also an unoriginal and lacking in talent hack who can't think of any character traits besides, "RAWR SMASH BLOOD WAR GLORY HONOR EVERONE BUT ORCS DADDY LOVE ME RAGE RAGE RAGE.” They also absolutely refuse to expand the character due to laziness or inability or lack of creativity to think of ways to make his death have any impact on the story or game besides everyone letting out one giant and collective cheer of rejoice and relief.
8. When talking, you must sound like it's in all caps and have extreme emphasis. Not to hide the obvious doubt and insecurities of himself, but to sound strong. "I'M AWESOME AND STRONG. WATCH AS MY CAMPAIGN THAT TOTALLY ISN'T SYMBOLLIC OF A SMALL PHALLUS SIZE OR MY HUGE INSECURITIES AS A LEADER AND SON OF A HERO SWEEPS THROUGH AZEROTH AND PROVES THAT I’M THE BEST EVAR.”
9. You must sound like the fan fiction character of someone who thought that giving an important player in official lore a child and being lazy with its writing would be the greatest idea EVAR DO NOT STEAL OC UNQIUE !!!11one. For bonus points, create more crotch dumplings to be expanded and elaborated on. Do good for one of them, but for the other make him the combination of three races and give him the powers of the elements, the arcane, and the light. Double bonus points if you succeed in making him so silly not even the daddy of Rhonin would touch him with a fifty foot long stupid stick.
10.You must be irredeemable in every way shape or form and most likely get saved by a contrived plot device such as possession, a sympathetic character, or a self-sacrifice that has no set reason other than to be a parallel of the person who helped make the precious brown small headed crotch dumpling in the first place.
11. Finally, you must have most of your back story and lore written in the literature that no one really cares about because it's usually boring, is of fan fiction quality, unfair, unbalanced, and probably too bland or idiotic for anyone to even think about buying so it'll be paraphrased and abridged on a wiki to no end. Chances are people couldn't afford it either, or have no interest in it. (Bonus points if its written by the extremely talented and not at all bad and godmodding make a character that’s the offspring of Jesus writer that is the daddy of the equally balanced, unique, and filled with depth Rhonin.)
With these 11 factors in mind, now you can truly understand and appreciate, and even recreate the depth and creatively genius thought that went behind the creation of the best orc and not all all the most boring or unoriginal character in Warcraft; Garrosh Hellscream.