These forums used to be fun.
Voice-over: How many times has this happened to you?
[Cut to the throne room in Upper Blackrock Spire. The ten PC's inside have just finished clearing out the final group of mobs, and are setting up to pull Draak]
Main Tank: Ok, here's how we'll do this. I'll tank Draak with my Quel'Serrar, while the OT takes the left guard with his Edge of Chaos. The third Warrior will tank the right guard, and we'll kill him first.
Third Warrior: Got it.
Main Tank: Wait…what kind of weapon are you using?
Third Warrior: I got my Timeworn Mace.
MT: WHAT? Dude, you're going to tank with a BLUE weapon? Christ…ok, forget the plan, the Warlock will chain fear the right guard while we kill the left one. Third Warrior will DPS as best he can with the freakin' Timeworn Mace…
Third Warrior: I can tank just fine.
MT: No, don't want to risk a wipe. If the MT or the OT dies, make sure the Druid hits bear form and takes aggro, or else we'll croak.
[The Third Warrior looks down at his Timeworn Mace and sighs]
Voice-Over: Or how about this?
[In Orgrimmar, a eager lvl 51 Rogue shows off his new weapon]
Lvl 51 Rogue: Check this out! [Thrash Blade]! This thing'll be the perfect offhand until I hit 60. Maraudon rocks!
Lvl 60 Rogue: OMG! NOOB! Check these out! [Brutality Blade] [Alcor's Sunrazor] [Core Tooth Dagger]. That weapon you have SUCKS!
Lvl 51 Rogue: But…
Lvl 60 Rogue: Come back and talk to me when you've run Blackwing Lair, NOOB!
Lvl 60 Shaman: LOL, let's all laugh at the noob!
Lvl 60 Priest: HAH!
Lvl 60 Mage: sucks 2 be u!
[The now deflated Rogue looks down at his Thrash Blade and sighs again]
Voice-Over: And maybe this is a common occurence in your life…
[It's Warsong Gulch, and a Druid is licking his chops to grab the flag]
Druid: Alright, I'll just grab the flag and zoom out the main tunnel in bear form before going travel form. Cover me.
Priest: No problem, I'll heal…wait, do you have Minor Speed Increase on your boots?
Druid: Actually, not yet, I just got these boots from the PvP vendor right before this match.
Priest: JESUS CHRIST! Doesn't anyone on this server know how to play? Forget it, without speed on your boots, we don't stand a chance, and I'm not going to waste my time in a match that could take almost 10 minutes. /afk
[The Druid looks at the charging Warrior swinging a Spinal Reaper and sighs again]
M: And freeze!
[On this scene, where we stop just before the raw pwnage begins, a Orc Warlock steps in. In one hand, Mindfang. In the other, a Tome of Shadow Force. And on his shoulders are the most ridiculously ridiculous looking pair of shoulderpads. Felheart, of course]
M: How many times has this happened to you? You think you're a good player. You've got solid gear, mostly blues, some greens. You've played this game from the beginning. You know your class pretty well. You've been in the instances, done the elite quests, and have every single flight path in the game.
But just when you think you know it all, someone comes along to prove you wrong. You think you could REALLY tank a Chromatic Elite Guard with your Timeworn Mace? Think again, that fight requires at LEAST a Krol Blade! You think your Thrash Blade is a sweet weapon? Please, at your level, you should be using a Krol Blade! And a Druid without Minor Speed Increase for that little extra boots of flag running speed? Come on, be serious…and why didn't you roll a class that could USE a Krol Blade?
Yeah, it's painfully obvious, Mr. Lvl 60 Warrior doing the final part of the Onyxia Key quest, Mr. Lvl 51 Rogue who just ran Maraudon, and Mrs. Lvl 60 Druid who's Rank 11…you don't know what the hell you're doing in this game. You a noob who somehow got lucky enough to make your levels and get invited to groups, even though you obviously have no talent for this game. You're a menace to your group and to your guild and to your teammates every time you're around then, because the slightest slip-up on your part has a small chance of causing them to virtually die, or to do less imaginary damage then necessary, or cost your PvP crew a game that means nothing when it comes to real life.
Yes, you are a danger to yourself and all those around you.
And it all can be traced to one problem.
You…yes, you…obviously have a small Epeen.
Sure, you may say "I only play to have fun," but come on, who are you kidding?
"I'm just playing with my friends." And you're not trying to impress total strangers who you will never interact with in real life? Tell me another lie.
"I'm not trying to hit High Warlord." What OTHER possible reason is there to PvP?
And you don't even own an epic mount to compensate for your small Epeen. Shame on you.
Luckily, there's help available.
Mokiga here. You may remember me from such products as the iCrotch, and as a spokesperson for "Storica's Hospital for the Clearly Deluded." Today, my friends, I come here to offer a solution to all your "World of Warcraft" problems, to end your delusions of adequacy, to show you how to play this game, the way it was truly meant to be played.
It's no secret then, when it comes to Epeens, mine's the biggest. In fact, my Epeen is so big, the last time it jerked off, the Great White North got its nickname. My Epeen is so big, it can beat Ouro. My Epeen is so big, it's seen Outland, and it's beautiful.
Normally, an Epeen like mine can only be earned by months of sitting on a leather chair, headphones on, eating Doritos and slamming Mountain Dew Code Red, staying up all hours of the night, running every single instance, killing every single outdoor raid boss, PvP'ing every minute of the day after blackmailing your roommates to play when you're working or shooting up black tar !@#$%^, and only ALT-TAB-ing out of "WoW" to look at naked pictures of Heather Carolin, all while getting your hands on every single piece of purple loot you can, either by raiding, farming, or ninjaing.
Obviously, this lifestyle isn't for everyone, as few people have the dedication to let their bodies and minds go for that period of time.
Luckily, researches at the Phil Latio Institute in Bangkok have come up with a solution. Now, all it takes it just ONE pill per gaming session to increase the size of your Epeen and allow you to play "World of Warcraft" the way it was meant to be played. Hardcore!
[Mokiga holds up one little purple pill, putting it in the palm of his hand and holding it towards the camera]
M: Ladies and gentlemn, I give you…Epixil!
[Cue the choir of heavenly angels singing in the background as the purple pill is put against a yellow backdrop, for maximum occular comfort as Mokiga continues to talk]
M: That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Epixil! Just one small pill every time you log on will increase the size of your Epeen! How do we do it, you ask? Simple! Using our elite team of Internet cyberpharmacists, the moment you take Epixil, it will go to work! Since Epixil doesn't work on your physical body, there are no harmful side effects! All you have to do is simply go to our website, www.ohmygoditspurple.com, and place your order! With 3-5 minutes, a 30-day supply of Epixil will be shipped directly towards your toon! Once you log on, simply go to the nearest mailbox, retrieve your shipment, and pop one of the pills, and viola!
[The Third Warrior with the Timeworn Mace, who is also wearing full Valor, standing in the middle of Thunder Bluff, shrugs, and pops the purple pill into his mouth]
M: How does Epixil work? Simple! Instead of wasting time and energy teaching you how to play, Epixil simply converts all your crappy blue and green gear to epic purples!
[Suddenly, the Warrior is overcome by a pulse of light! A few seconds later, the light fades, and we see the Warrior is now clad in full Wrath gear, and has a Elementium Reinforced Bulwark on one arm and Spineshatter in the other!]
And that means, the better the player, the bigger the Epeen! By handing you purple gear, Epixil makes you a better player, which leads to a bigger Epeen!
[The Third Warrior is approached by a Orc Rogue, a smile on his face]
OR: WOW! Look at all that gear! You must have BWL experience! Want to join my guild?
TW: Actually, I've never...
OR: Dude, I'm sorry, but I can't hear what you're saying, because I'm in awe at the GOD LIKE playet you must be by virtue of your gear! Come on, you can join my guild, and have sex with my girlfriend! And you can be our Main Tank, too!
TW: Really? Awesome! Thanks, Epixil!
M: No problem, dude, just watch out for those Vael tank transitions! Not only does having purple gear make you look like a better player, but it obviously means that you ARE a better player! But don't take our word for it, take Blizzard's, because they're been telling you the same thing since launch day!
[The lvl 51 Rogue, somehow in full Nightslayer and wielding a Chromatically Tempered Sword in one hand and a Shadowsong's Sorrow in the other, is doing a victory dance over a lvl 60 Rogue]
Lvl 51: ALRIGHT! WHO'S THE MAN? WHO'S THE [BLEEP]IN' MAN?!?
Lvl 60: I...I don't know how you beat me! I blew all my cooldowns! I critted every hit!
Lvl 51: I HAVE EPICS, DUDE! I'M THE BEST PLAYER AROUND! MY GEAR SAYS SO! MY EPEEN IS HUGE! THANKS, EPIXIL!
M: You're welcome, just don't poke someone's eye out with that Epeen! Now, folks, while purple gear means you've "won" at "World of Warcraft," and that your Epeen is so huge, it can be in C'Thun's stomach while you're standing in Thousand Needles, that's just not good enough! We want your Epeen to be so huge, it can be seen in "Guild Wars!" And that means, Epixil will ALSO enchant your new found gear!
[The Druid from before is clapping his hands with joy...while in Moonkin form, of course]
D: Wow! My Hide of the Wild has +1% dodge! My Stormrage Gloves have +30 healing! My Aurastone Hammer has Crusader!
Horde Player: LOOK AT THOSE ENCHANTS! Finally, a Horde Druid who knows how to play! Get him in our guild now!
Other Horde Player: Like hell, I want him in MY guild!
D: Forget you guys! With this elite gear, I'm going to go PvP and own an Alliance PuG! Rank 14 in five weeks, I bet! Thanks, Epixil!
M: Just remember to get a friend to scout for you, first! And, for those of you who want even MORE Epeen for your buck, I'm talking an Epeen so big, only the antlers on a Stormrage helm are bigger, there's EXTRA STRENGTH Epixil!
[Grachuus, flanked by two hot female Night Elves, holds Thunderfury in one hand and a little orange pill in the other, smiling widely for the camera]
G: Damn straight. I have an orange sword and all the ladies are on my tip...50 miles away. Thanks, Extra Strength Epixil!
M: Just remember us when you're the next Lothar Horde guild to kill Nef! Speaking of which, let's hear from some satisfied customers.
[Cut to a small Gnome, waving his hands, getting our attention]
Webster: Epixil really opened my eyes as to how much fun this game could be! Sure, I trolled the Lothar forums, slept with Anklebyter's wife, played in a game or two of AV, but now, I have all this awesome gear and an Epeen to match! In fact, Epixil made my Epeen so big, I actually went and got a law degree from a REAL school, the University of Florida!
[Now a Night Elf, in brand spanking new High Warlord gear, speaks]
[Pan to a Troll, standing in a darkened room, his face in shadow, his voice altered]
??: No matter what !&$%ing server I !&$%ing go to, there's always !&$%ing idiots there trying to !&$% with me and !&$%ing making this game !&$%ing suck. Thankfully, with Epixil, I can laugh in their !&$%ing faces about how !&$%ing uber I am and how !&$%ing uber my full Prophecy set is before I !&$%ing get !&$%ing banned for 36 !&$%ing hours. !&$%.
[A Tauren Warrior brandishing an Arcanite Reaper now appears]
Keram: With Epixil, Core DPS is finally a reality for me!
[Now a Human Mage in Netherwind speaks]
Sundown: I have a small Epeen.
Sundown: Seriously, I have a small Epeen. What?
Ippon: I didn't need Epixil. But it sure makes me feel better, having a huge Epeen.
[And back to the Mok]
M: So what are you waiting for? Visit the website and be prepared to experience "WoW" the way it was meant to be played...from behind full epics! Accept no cheap generic knockoffs!
[Cut to Storica in full...Marshall's gear]
Storica: IM UBERR!
M: And when you're there, don't forget to ask for Neadric's group discount!
[Cut to all the members of Total Aggression Gaming, standing over the corpse of...Lucifron]
TAG: THANKS, EPIXIL!
M: Epixil. Your path to a new "WoW!"
Warning, this drug may cause blindness, deafness, dry skin, excessive perspiration, rigor mortis, outbreaks of Daksuo, premature ejaculation, ejaculation, mature ejaculation, senior ejaculation, anal leakage, urinary leakage, weight gain, weight loss, cancer of the heart, cancer of your neighbor's heart, inaminate object humping, Uzziel to appear on your doorstep and punch you in the face, liver disease, acne, spontaneous orgasms, and Fuma.
[Open on a familiar sight to most WoW raiders.
It's Molten Core. It's Garr's room.
And in the middle of said room, a human Warrior is tanking Baron Geddon.
He's surrounded by his fellow raiders. Warriors wielding 2-handed weapons.
Rogues spamming Sinister Strikes. Even one or two feral Druids AND a DPS
Surrounding them, Warlocks, Hunters, Mages, Restoration Druids, Paladins,
and Priests are casting their spells, healing their targets, and taking
Over Vent, we hear the following exchange]
Main Tank: Going good, he's under 50%, we have him.
Main Healer: Inferno Pulse INC, watch yourselves.
[A few seconds go by...]
MT: Nice work, I don't think anyone took too much damage there, reengage
MH: Healers didn't move, we caught the edge of that, nothing a HoT won't
MH: Smithback, you're the Bomb, move away.
MT: Yeah, man, you're too close.
MH: Smithback, move!
MT: DUDE, YOU'RE THE BOMB, RUN! SMITHBACK, MOVE!
MH: NO, DON'T RUN TOWARDS THE HEALERS!
[On screen, we see one lone Rogue running smack dab into the middle of the
MT's healing group. A second later, he explodes, flying into the air...and
around him, Priests and Druids fall to the ground, dead]
MH: DAMMIT! SOMEONE GRAB GEDDON!
Off Tank: I have him, someone heal me, my Priest is down!
Off Healer: Got you...dammit, not in time!
MT: Someone else grab him!
MH: Dammit, he's in the healers...Inferno Pulse INC!
MT: Do we have an OOC rezzer?
OOC Rezzer: Yeah, but Smithback got me.
MT: What the hell were you doing so close to...never mind, wipe everyone.
[Over Vent and on screen, as the raid falls apart, we see and hear various
people calling it a night after that wipe]
MT: Oh, come on, we have him! One more try...
["Nope," "Gotta Go," and "Need to Repair, Hearthing"]
MT: Goddammit Smithback!
[The screen freezes still, and into and over the shot walks a Orc. This Orc
wears a full set of Dreadweave Armor, and holds Mindfang in one hand and the
Tome of Fiery Arcana in the other]
M: How many times has this happened to you? A perfectly good raid that
falls apart because one person can't follow directions, becomes the bomb,
and blows up your entire raid? Or a UBRS run that ends in failure because
someone stays on the ledge above Rend's room? How about when someone fails
to get poisoned in Zul'Gurub and heals Hakkar for massive HP's? And let's
not EVEN mention tank transitions on Vael! Hell, how about a simple
five-man run of Wailing Caverns that ends because it's 9:30 pm and "someone"
has to get up for work tomorrow?
Let's face it folks, nowadays, the majority of "WoW" players are just too
soft. They play this game for "fun," ignoring those of us "uber" enough to
put in insane amounts of time for our epic loot. They drift along, content
in their greens and blues, while you're still fighting for that final piece
of Tier 2 loot and that last Idol from Ahn'Qiraj. And yet THEY have the
nerve to whine and complain that the game isn't on "easy mode" for them and
demand the same loot raiders earn through blood, sweat, tears, repair costs,
stealing players from other guilds, and ripping off strats from other
Yes, players, you know the type. They're just not "hardcore" enough. And
they're seriously bringing down your game.
Well, "WoW" players, I have the solution.
Mokiga here. You may know me and my Epeen from the Lothar server, where
we've told you about such fine products "D**kens' Cider," and "Webster's
Home for Imaginary Honor Tokens." Today, I'm proud to present to you the
next generation of hardcore gaming technology! Thanks to revolutionary new
technology, hardcore "WoW" gamers around the world will experience the end
of "casual," "carebear," "gaming for fun" play that has ruined the game for
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the iCrotch!
[The screen shifts, now showing a small, sleek, red metal rectangle, slowly
rotating on a pedestal. Wires run from the bottom of the iCrotch offscreen
as Mokiga continues to speak]
M: Created through months of effort at our labs in Bangkok, the iCrotch is
small enough to fit in the palm of your hand, but thanks to its rechargable
lithium-thorium battery, packs enough voltage to power a small Midwestern
city, or one of Blizzard's PvP servers!
The theory behind the iCrotch is simple. Anytime a player messes up, the raid leader can send a painful-but-harmless 1000 volt charge directly into the player's groin! Over time, this negative reinforcement will weed out bad behavior, turning the player into a top notch gamer who will never make a mistake again that will wipe a raid or cost you phat lewt! And it's easy to use!
picture, I like to sleep at night...hooking the iCrotch up to a USB port in
the back of his computer]
M: First, simply hook the iCrotch to your computer using our simple
Plug-And-Play technology. Then, download the custom iCrotch add-on from
Nurfed. Nurfed, for over 3 years, the leader in "Easy Mode" gaming
[Now, we cut to the gamer snapping the iCrotch into a black belt wrapped around his waist]
M: Next, snap the iCrotch into its docking station, which is handily attached to this black Velcro belt! It comes in "large," "extra large," "extra extra lage," "extra extra extra large," and "Harry Knowles" sizes! And it's made from a Space-Age material that lets the belt stretch and expand, so it will grow with you!
[The familiar music plays as the gamer logs into the game...waits 10 minutes to pass through the queue...and logs on his female Night Elf Warrior, who stands in the middle of Ironforge]
M: From there, all you have to do is find fellow players who are equipped with the iCrotch and the appropriate mod.
Night Elf Warrior: /4 Looking for a Live Side Strat group!
Human Priest: /t Do you have the iCrotch equipped?
NEW: /r Yep!
[*invite sound plays, and the group is joined*]
HP: Hey! We're all here, let's fly to Light's Hope and meet at the back gate. Everyone have their iCrotch on and ready to go?
Gnome Rogue:dood, y would u want to use iCrotch??
HP: Simple, if you don't have the iCrotch, you won't be able to loot.
GR: ZOMG, getting 1 now!!!1!
[Cut back to Mokiga]
M: Now that everyone in party is wearing their iCrotch...and the handy CT_Crotch mod allows you to see who is and who isn't...when one of the players makes a stupid mistake, you'll be able to show them the error of their ways!
[Cut to the burning city of Stratholme...and cut to the Paladin DI'ing the Priest just before be dies at the hand of a gargoyle]
HP: Dammit, you were supposed to kill the Eye of Naxx, not stand there and look stupid!
GR: Dood, sory, was afk
HP: Yeah, well...
GR: OW! WTF?!?
HP: Next time, pay attention!
GR: F this, g2g...
GR: OUCH! STOP!
HP: No you don't, if you leave, we don't have the DPS for the Baron. So shut up and learn to play and maybe you'll get some loot out of this.
[Cut back to a smiling Mokiga]
M: Of course, one wouldn't be able to hear the lovely sound of the iCrotch, but using the Cursed Gaming iCrotch mod, using code lovingly ripped off from "DDO: Stormreach," the pleasant and rewarding noise of 1000 volts being shot up someone's groin will be music to your party's ears!
And as you can see, the threat of not be able to get loot will ensure even those too scared to normally wear the iCrotch will pick one up!
[Overheard on a Vent channel in Dire Maul West]
Undead Mage: What the...I can't loot!
Orc Warlock: Do you have your iCrotch on?
UM: No, I turned it off. Why the hell would I have it turned on? Who wants electricity shot into their body on the whim of the party leader? It's stupid!
OW: Dude, if you don't have it on, you can't loot the trinket.
UM: What? That's dumb!
OW: Maybe, but how badly do you want that trinket?
UM: Um...it is nice...ok, ok, hooking my iCrotch up now...there. It's on. And I looted. Let's move on.
OW: Good. And...
UM: HEY! That hurt!
OW: Yeah, next time we go to Dire Maul, make sure you bring mana water for everyone BEFORE we start pulling!
[Back to Mokiga...]
M: See? The promise of loot will ensure players everywhere will be using the iCrotch. AND, you can see the benefits already, as I'm sure that Mage will have plenty of Conjured Crystal Water handy before his next instance run! Now, you've seen how the iCrotch can work for you in 5-man instances. But what about those tricky 20-man runs? Well, the iCrotch will help ensure Zul'Gurub and the Ruins of Ahn'Qiraj will be a cakewalk for you and 19 of your clostest loot wh*res!
[It's Jindo's room, and a Soulstoned Paladin is rezzing a Priest after a wipe on the man, the myth, the Hexxar himself]
Dwarf Priest: Ok, who the hell has Decursive on? Anyone? Come on, the danm Shades got us last time, and I KNOW someone was decursing.
Night Elf Druid: Wait, why would I turn Decursive off?
DP: I TOLD YOU! Turn Decursive off! I said it like 5 times in raid chat!
NED: Ok, I'll pay closer attention next time!
DP: And you, Paladin, anytime a totem pops up, stop what you're doing and kill it!
Human Paladin: But I'm a Paladin, I need to be healing...
DP: Yeah, your Paladin bubble didn't help you there, did it?
[A smiling Mokiga brings us to our next raid zone...]
M: And, needless to say, in Blackwing Lair...
Troll Shaman: [BLEEP]!
Troll Warrior: When you see me get Mortal Striked, and you see me bubbled, FREAKIN' HEAL ME! SHAMANS DON'T DPS!
M: You've seen what the iCrotch can do in PvE, but did you know, the iCrotch can also be used in PvP combat as well! Simply substitute "honor points" for "phat loot" and your party members won't be able to tell the different!
[The snowy, frozen confines of Alterac Valley...and it's a typical Horde raid...]
Undead Warrior: Can we kill Belinda?
UW: OW! Ok, ok, we'll take the GY first!
M: And on the Alliance side...
Night Elf Rogue: Hey, guys, maybe we shouldn't cap the Relief Hut using the exploit...
M: Now, I'm sure there are those of you out there who are worried about the possible of power, both in terms of leaderhsip and voltage, being abuse by the use of such a device as the iCrotch. Don't worry, our scientists have taken great pains to ensure that the iCrotch is capable of being abused in this way! Only by blindly following your raid leader's advice can a "casual" player become a "hardcore" player, and the iCrotch is designed to help you on your journey! Just listen to these satisfied customers!
[A Dwarf Hunter sits on a stool, his pet at his side]
DH: When AQ came out, most of our guild was burned out and tired of raiding. But then came the iCrotch, and now all 40 raiders are bound in Cen Hold, knowing that being even a second late means I get to shock them! Thanks Mokiga!
[A Troll Warrior, complete with a mount you can't even get in the game anymore to show how uber he is, speaks next]
TW: We just weren't succeeding. Sure, we had Nef on farm status, but we had to use the Dire Maul buffs to ensure our victory. And it took us a week to kill the first boss in AQ 40! Obviously, our guild just wasn't progressing at the rate we wanted it to. Just weren't "hardcore" enough. But when we were approached with the iCrotch, half of our guild jumped right on it. And now we're blowing through AQ 40, while those not "uber" enough are stuck killing Ragnaros! The iCrotch saved my guild! Thanks Mok!
[A Night Elf Warrior appears next...]
NEW: I use the iCrotch solely to make sure I don't hear anymore jokes about the stupid space in our guild name...
[And last, an Undead Mage in rank 13 armor just shrugs]
TS: Hell, the iCrotch makes PvP'ing with my guild and my friends more enjoyable. When I say "BS INC," everyone goes to the BS now, and we don't have any glory hog Hunters who insist on soloing to the stables!
[Mokiga appears with three iCrotch's in front of him]
M: So, what are YOU waiting for? Order your very own iCrotch today! As you can see, it comes in three colors - black, jet black, and emo black! And, ladies, we haven't forgotten about you! We have a limited edition iCrotch made specifically for female plumbing! Order quick, though, as only five of these models will ever made, because we all know, YOU'RE out getting laid in real life!
Don't be a "carebear!" Become "uber," become "hardcore," become a "real player!" Order yours today!
Please report any Code of Conduct violations, including:
Threats of violence. We take these seriously and will alert the proper authorities.
Posts containing personal information about other players. This includes physical addresses, e-mail addresses, phone numbers, and inappropriate photos and/or videos.
Harassing or discriminatory language. This will not be tolerated.