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Last night in Trade Chat, we had a delightful hour-long conversation about who should be cast in the upcoming “Disney’s Star Wars: Episode 7” film. After a great deal of debate and silliness, a general consensus was reached. And I dare say, it looks like it’s going to be an amazing hit. Here are the final casting choices, as chosen by the Horde of Doomhammer. Enjoy!
---Brief Plot Synopsis---
A befuddled old time traveler arrives from a bleak and distant future. He brings with him a dark tale of his own history where the Force is destroyed, nearly all life perishes, and only a single planet remains inhabitable. In order to save the galaxy, old friends, allies, and enemies must join forces to protect the Force from destruction.
---Cast and Crew---
The part of Luke Skywalker will be portrayed by Bruce Willis.
Princess Leia will be played by Kate Mulgrew.
Han Solo will be played by Val Kilmer.
R2D2 will be driven around by Verne Troyer, and voiced by Bill Cosby.
C3PO has been redesigned to look more like Ironman, and will be played by Russell Crowe.
Ben Skywalker (Luke’s son) will be played by Chris Evans.
Jacen, Jaina, and Anakin (Han and Leia’s kids) will be played by Jensen Ackles, Jennie Garth, and Jared Padalecki, respectively.
The new Sith Lord Emperor will be played by Gilbert Godfried.
Jabba the Hutt will be jointly portrayed in a brand new method-acting style by Rosanne Barr and Rosie Odonnell as they are duct taped together to form Jabba’s body. Jabba will be voiced by Sylvester Stalone in post-production.
The new Bounty Hunter role will be played by Ryan Gosling. Due to contractual issues in which Ryan Gosling never takes a role for characters that are not shirtless for at least 1/3rd of their scenes, the Bounty Hunter will no longer have armor or a helmet.
A new main character named “Daawc B’raun” will be played by Christopher Lloyd. He basically just shows up randomly in different scenes and yells “GREAT SCOTT!”
Elijah Wood has been cast to play the Ewoks. All of them. Simultaneously.
Jar Jar Binks will once again be played by Sarah Jessica Parker.
The Ghost of Yoda will be a Computer Generated Image (CGI) model, and voiced by Queen Latifa.
The Ghost of Obi-wan Kenobi will be played by Sir Ian McKellen.
Admiral Ackbar will be played by Christopher Walken
Lando Calrissian will be played by Chris Tucker.
All other black people, black aliens, and black non-corporeal beings will be played by Tyler Perry.
The Ghost of Anakin Skywalker (Darth Vader) will be played by Sir Ian Holmes, and voiced by James Earl Jones.
The scrolling text at the beginning of the film will be read precisely and accurately, yet with a quiet intensity, by Morgan Freeman.
Written and Produced by J. J. Abrams.
Directed by Jerry Bruckheimer.
Original Music by Ryan Amon.
This is not the worst possible thing that could happen to the franchise.
I only wish more people had been in on the conversation. A few times, I laughed so hard that I got tears in my eyes.
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