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Day one of the new patch content has bought with it the usual maelstrom of comment, praise and damnation from every player of every persuasion. Like every patch that has come before it, there are winners and losers, and probably millions of readers who don't read every single thing in the extensive and (Just lately) jargon-laden patch notes.
Thankfully, here at Torchsong Towers, our dedicated team of patch note perusers have worked through the night, sifting through these extensive ch-ch-changes to bring you, the busy WoW player or forum troll, the most vital and pressing information YOU need to know NOW.
Authours note: The following is satire, please don't dig for any meaning deeper than it's surface comedy value, for there is nothing to be found.
New Daily Quest Hub: The Isle of the Thunder King.
As if all the rubbish we bought before wasn't grindy enough, here is a whole new area to get unenthusiastic about.
Each faction's finest are spearheading the assault: the Kirin Tor Offensive led by Jaina Proudmoore and the Sunreaver Onslaught led by Lor'themar Theron. We dug up these forgotten factions from Wrath of the Glitch King, dusted them off and re-badged them as new and exciting. We're probably going to move Dalaran as well, less work for us!
You can get transportation to this zone from portals located at a impractical distance from where you usually hearth to. We paid people good money to make us nice scenery in Pandaria, and you ARE going to enjoy it.
New Raid: Throne of Thunder
Lei Shen, the Thunder King, has returned to wreak his vengeance on Pandaria. This whole expansion has allowed us to take these new liberties with the game lore. Enjoy.
Throne of Thunder is a sprawling citadel housing 12 new raid encounters, and players that defeat Emperor Lei Shen in Heroic mode can earn the opportunity to face an additional 13th foe. That way, it keeps the hardcore raiders happy, and no one can accuse us of pandering to casuals. They will accuse us all the same, but hey, we are making an effort here.
The Raid Finder version of the Throne of Thunder is = divided into 4 different sections, Last Stand of Those Troll Guys We Had Way Back in BC But With New Models, Forgotten...Something Or Other, Halls of Some Vague Reference to Something Ghastly and Pinnacle of OMG Your Class is SO Overpowered. These 4 new sections will give you exciting new scenery in which to squabble about class imbalance and new places where you can ragequit. You're welcome.
The Legendary Quest Continues:
You put all that time and effort into this quest initially to learn its all about getting a legendary meta gem. Yeah, sorry about that.
Like every other patch we have ever done, we will be unable to make all of the people happy all of the time. So once again your favorite class has been kneecapped, and the ones you hate the most continue to be scorchingly overpowered. See you on the battlegrounds.
Warlocks can now undertake a solo adventure that culminates with the ability to change the color of their Fire spells so they can appear to look like snot. You WILL be ridiculed extensively, and will be referred to as Snotlocks. If you are lucky, determined or are botting the new areas, you will eventually find a rare book to get you started.
We're hoping people still do these things, so we bought out a bunch of stuff to make it less boring. However, we have nerfed ALL your favourite pet abilities, have fun.
Raids, Dungeons and Scenarios
Throne of Thunder raid bosses in Normal and Heroic difficulties have a chance of dropping items with the Thunderforged designation. Thunderforged items are 6 item levels higher than their Normal or Heroic counterparts and will drop more frequently for members of the opposite faction. LFR raiders...YOU GET NOTHING.
To encourage Raid Finder groups to persevere, each time an Raid Finder group wipes on a boss fight all players in the group receives a stacking buff that increases health, damage dealt, and healing done by 5% (up to a maximum of 10 stacks). The function which auto-blocks all whining about class imbalance will be added in a future patch.
Season 13 has begun! All that terribly dreary grinding to get better gear can now be restarted anew. Another season fighting cheaters, bots and script kiddies! Hooray!
That really annoying bug that sapped your enthusiasm for this game has now been fixed, however, we have added new bugs for you to discover and tell us about in the forums, and one day we might fix them. Mwahahahaha.
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