Chrysippus' Sippy Cup & Crazy Chicken (H-OT)

90 Draenei Shaman
12770
I would put down my foot.

hypothetically, naer was in a relationship with some guy, and this guy didn't get a job for a year. Naer said

"You fix this. You have to take care of you first, before we can work on an 'us'. I will do anything I can to help you, but if you do not work towards fixing yourself, it will be over. This is your final warning"

Also, ((hugs)) Always here.


Hypothetically, Ellarix was married to an alcoholic.

Hypothetically, she had a baby with him while they were married.

Hypothetically, she realized - far too late - that she couldn't deal with having an emotionally absent partner-in-life for the rest of her life, and that nothing she could do was going to make him/inspire him to change. Nothing. She was unprepared for what addiction does to a person's refusal to make healthy, needed changes for themselves, and for their loved ones.

Despite her parents telling her sternly when she approached them for advice that "you'll be able to control his behaviour [or lack of behaviour] even less if you don't live with him" she couldn't bear the idea of trying to share her heart for the rest of her life with someone who despite all the efforts she'd made to help him understand what was wrong, did not understand that anything was wrong, and believed that she was unreasonable to think that he had any kind of problem at all.

................................................

Since the day, 10.5 years ago, that I left my husband, I have unfortunately had to deal with trying to find myself help during mental health issues, finding my son help, and finding help for a dear friend who was *trying* to reach out for help in a deteriorating mental health situation.

The sad fact is that if Lucy's BF hasn't yet been willing to see her trying to warn him about the road he's walking, he's likely going to need a *crisis* situation to happen before anything can change. Even then, he's likely to kick and scream and try to dig his heels in against the change. It's been humbling to come to understand that my own mental illness (unknown to me at the time) held me in thrall much the same way my husband's alcoholism held him thrall, all those years ago, when I was at my wits' end, screaming at him that he had to change.

His refusal to admit to Lucy that there's anything wrong doesn't mean she isn't important to him (though he may feel attacked/betrayed for a long time that she feels this way).

His decision to let her walk away (if that's what she does) doesn't mean that she wasn't important to him.

His decision that she's a self-righteous, straight-laced, controlling b!tch (or whatever descriptive term he'll use) won't change until long after he's had to start to change.

What *she* is in control of is *herself*. If this person meant anything to her (and it's clear that he does), she should back away slowly, as you would from a growling, defensive animal. Make a move and he'll strike for your throat (figuratively speaking, obviously - a fight will ensue that will *not* end prettily, and will make for it to be difficult for him to reach out to reconnect later).

She should take whatever steps she needs to to prevent this person from bringing her additional years of anguish and hurt.

If it's just a "phase" or if he somehow manages to comprehend what he's doing to his life, he'll be back quickly.

If not - she needs to have left *now*. She needs to have left *yesterday*. It will not get better - NOT ONE OUNCE OF BETTER - until it gets much, much worse. She *cannot* help him through this. This is *his* challenge, and it's a solo scenario ;)

Staying means becoming more and more involved - entangled, really - in his problems. It only gets worse for her, too.

If anything can reach him (and it's far from certain that anything can change him until his life begins to collapse), the actions she takes - to leave him - might have an impact. But she shouldn't even dream to hope that will happen. She should leave for *herself* - because she loves herself and respects herself and wants more for her life. He can decide to rejoin it anytime, once he takes care of this one thing...
Edited by Ellarix on 8/24/2013 9:03 PM PDT
90 Draenei Shaman
12770
I've been married for 12 years and its been a pretty near thing at times. I definitely understand making tough choices. Feel freeto look me up in game. Zentira#1393

/hugs


(((hugs)))

and for Fluffy too, just couldn't fit a quote from her post into mine without going over the character limit ;P

[god I'm long-winded]
90 Human Priest
16220
[god I'm long-winded]

It's so appreciated. So so so appreciated. I'm actually tearing up and feeling all jello-y right now and waaahhh. I'm hating this situation so much and I've been struggling with what to do for a while now. It probably seems weird to ask for help from you guys because I'm still pretty newish around here and it's just an internet forum and blah. I dunno, it feels easier to talk to (relative) strangers about it than my friends or family. And now I'm rambling and sound dumb.

Y'all are amazing. Seriously.
90 Draenei Shaman
12770
It's why support groups - for people struggling with addiction, for people struggling with mental illness, for people struggling with abuse, for people struggling with the difficulties which ensue if addiciton/mental illness/abuse is present in their family - are so useful.

Sometimes, you need... 3rd parties' sympathy and advice and support. Friends and family are sometimes too close. They can't see the forest for the trees, sometimes. Or they're too worried about what impact this decision or that decision will have on your life. Or *you* have thoughts and feelings you can't tell them about - thoughts and feelings which are profoundly influential on the decisions you're trying to make. They can't help you if you can't give them the whole picture, but it might be easier to talk to other people - people who are removed from the situation.
90 Pandaren Priest
14930
You're not dumb, Illucia.
90 Draenei Shaman
12770
You're not dumb, Illucia.


rofl!!! Yeah, and this ^ ;D
90 Night Elf Druid
14585
08/24/2013 09:20 PMPosted by Illucia
it feels easier to talk to (relative) strangers about it than my friends or family.

Doesn't help when your friend reads the same forums. ;p WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THESE THINGS.
90 Undead Monk
12935
any resto druids need a guild :D :)??:P:P:P
90 Human Priest
13720
YAY HEROIC MEGAERA DEAD


you did it!! ^_^v
90 Pandaren Priest
14930
08/24/2013 09:44 PMPosted by Alueim
it feels easier to talk to (relative) strangers about it than my friends or family.

Doesn't help when your friend reads the same forums. ;p WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME THESE THINGS.


Technically, Illu was telling you this, too, because you read this thread. :D
90 Dwarf Priest
12850
I don't know what to tell Lucy. :/
I offer Lucy emotional support in an awkward sort of way.

Thought I would pop in to reassure all that I am alive. Just studying.
100 Goblin Priest
19725
People never change. They may mask or hide whatever it is that's causing stress; drinking, personality traits, motivation about jobs or life, addiction etc etc. But ultimately it's still there within in, waiting to be triggered, waiting for a relapse. It's nice to think that love conquers all and will be the sole motivation for change, but it's not.

You can always trust a liar to lie. A cheater to cheat. A drinker to drink. A beater to beat. It's not more different than being an introvert or an extrovert. I could launch into a whole tirade about my ex-fiancé and myself, but I'll spare you that tale. The point is, if your significant other is exhibiting traits that are seriously negative, and seem to be having real issues or opposition to changing said behavior, you need to put thought into "Can I live with this forever?"

/opinions stated as facts
100 Night Elf Druid
9600
08/24/2013 09:20 PMPosted by Illucia
[god I'm long-winded]

It's so appreciated. So so so appreciated. I'm actually tearing up and feeling all jello-y right now and waaahhh. I'm hating this situation so much and I've been struggling with what to do for a while now. It probably seems weird to ask for help from you guys because I'm still pretty newish around here and it's just an internet forum and blah. I dunno, it feels easier to talk to (relative) strangers about it than my friends or family. And now I'm rambling and sound dumb.

Y'all are amazing. Seriously.


i feel much closer to the people here in this thread than i do to 95% of the people i know irl. so much awesome goes on here. <3
90 Dwarf Priest
12850
Not sure about that Iapetus.
It's more like changing is difficult and people need to be very motivated and constantly vigilant to do so and the odds that they will are infinitesimal.

What I told a dear friend about her boyfriend. (He is commitment-phobic and lacking ambition to have a career)

"Okay, so you want someone who will live with you, marry you, pay his share of the bills, help raise your child/his children any children you decide to add. You want someone who will clean up after himself, help with domestic tasks, be a considerate lover and someone who is emotionally supportive when you need it.

He is not these things at present. Could he become these things? Perhaps if he felt motivated. I am sorry he does not appear to care enough about you to care for himself.

Analogy time! What you want is a car. What you have is a boat. Is it possible to turn a boat into a car? Yes. But making the necessary modifications to your boat will cost a great deal of time and effort to turn it into one. AND when it becomes a car it will still not be very good at being a car. And if your boat was so special to you and so awesome you would want to change it to suit your needs it would no longer be the boat that you loved so much.

Considering this I think you might want to trade your boat for an actual car."
90 Pandaren Priest
14930
Analogy time! What you want is a car. What you have is a boat. Is it possible to turn a boat into a car? Yes. But making the necessary modifications to your boat will cost a great deal of time and effort to turn it into one. AND when it becomes a car it will still not be very good at being a car. And if your boat was so special to you and so awesome you would want to change it to suit your needs it would no longer be the boat that you loved so much.

Considering this I think you might want to trade your boat for an actual car."


This analogy wins.
90 Night Elf Druid
13170
You are not dumb at all, you are human :)

Sometimes venting online is the best form of therapy (and it's free, technically).

<3 I wish you the best with whatever you decide!
100 Goblin Priest
19725
Never might be too strong of a word. idk, just my opinion.

A line needs to be drawn though, what can you accept, what might you be willing to accept, at what point do you start pushing back and when is it too much?
90 Pandaren Priest
8345
i love crafting in ff14. it's like a little puzzle/strategy minigame
90 Tauren Priest
0
08/24/2013 10:22 PMPosted by Iapetus
People never change.


People change all the time. Just not necessarily for the better.

Lucy finds themself wondering more and more often if it's going to get any better, but doesn't want to end it because they care quite deeply about this person and hopes maybe one day they'll get through to him.


It's probably not going to get better, or at least not to a point where you'd truly be happy. I'm personally a very weak person and can't leave people, they have to leave me. I stay even when there's really no reason to try because I am a fool. I don't recommend doing that. You'll be able to care deeply about someone else eventually, if you give yourself enough time.
Edited by Qùess on 8/24/2013 11:59 PM PDT
100 Night Elf Druid
9600
i love crafting in ff14. it's like a little puzzle/strategy minigame


i havent even gotten to the crafting. they gave me this magical thing called a hunting log and i easily see it becoming an obsession point for me. and i'm only level 8!
This topic has reached its post limit. You may no longer post or reply to posts for this topic.

Please report any Code of Conduct violations, including:

Threats of violence. We take these seriously and will alert the proper authorities.

Posts containing personal information about other players. This includes physical addresses, e-mail addresses, phone numbers, and inappropriate photos and/or videos.

Harassing or discriminatory language. This will not be tolerated.

Forums Code of Conduct

Report Post # written by

Reason
Explain (256 characters max)
Submit Cancel

Reported!

[Close]