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Here is the beginning i have been giving people and so far they love it. But I would like people to give me your opinion.
(Its still rough, might be some errors)
I brushed my hand in the dirt, examining the skeleton of the great city Lexis as it slowly crumbles around me. As I looked down the broken, god punished road that once had occupants miles to see so they say. But now the once mighty Guardians watch over the city that forever dorms. With ash and paper that litter the streets, and fly through the air like a flock of birds on summers doorstep. And with Backpack at hand, memories at mind I walked down road. Swords and shields littered the road as millions of people passed on judgement day. But from what? My ancestors tell me of a god, a god of no name. And that god was angry with the world. He didn’t like there ways so they say. So God himself came down to create new. “As I, The ruler of what you play, This is not game, Shall you take this chance, I grant the clean the fresh, Let the world start a new, As judgement has declared Bright light shall fill the skies, Darkness shall follow light and the knew world shall be born.”
As I continued to walk and I did not stop, as I was trespassing on Dead’s land. I made sure not to look back, as the mighty guardians that stare down from (heaven) seemingly looked down upon me in wait. But only those who have purpose may enter lexis. It is, after all, Dead’s land. But more importantly God’s throne, or should I say Akryiums. But my visit to Akryium was simple, clear. I came to honor my passing’s, I came to honor they who loved me. As I stared into the bed of the Dead’s land. The stones of were they lay, as I felt the breeze pick me up, the wind cleanse my soul, as I took a deep breath as I walked into the heart of final place. I stopped at the Overwatch of Akryium. It was in the middle of Dead’s land. It was stone, with candles that forever shone its beauty, and akryiums symbol located in its finest glory. Shaped like a ball with spikes laid around it like a sun. And located in the center was a diamond. It felt cold, as winter sprung like a blossom of flowers in a desert. The cold chilled my body as I stared into the heart of Akryium. He was looking better then ever. He had finally made peace with Daeri once more. I knew this, as Akryiums Overwatch was starting to turn green, as moss and other plant like things took over its shape and obscured its once great features. I kneeled down and placed my hand gently against the heart of Akryium. Emotions flew through my body as a tingling sensation passed through my veins. I felt pain, misery and sadness. The cries of others, but behind those fierce emotions and sacrifices was fire. A fire that burned of passion, honesty and most of all. Peace.
The Overwatch was a magnificent site. As I felt the embedded symbol once more with the hands I was gifted. I kneeled down, I opened my bag and took out a necklace and couldn‘t help but smile. “I made this necklace one cycle ago, around this day my friend. As I am here in your presence Akryium to present you this gift of passing. I am honoured for you allow me to be here today.” I said as I placed the necklace at the bass of his Overwatch beside the burning candles. As I stood up, bag over shoulder. I walked down the isle to final’s place. Snow began to fall, ever so lightly. I walked up to there Dorm of Last rest. There on the dorm of Deads land wrote:
Here lies, Avery Satin Cycle: 860-01-02 to 872-04-22
Here lies, Nvarlia Satin Cycle: 830-04-02 to 872-04-22
Here lies, Ravieh (Rav - E - Eh)Satin Cycle: 827- 05-03 to 872-04-22
As I moved the giant slab of stone from the entrance. I took out my lantern, and walked down into the Heart of my Passings.
First off, it needs a LOT of punctuation and grammar help. Long run on sentences are very hard to read.
Second, kind of like WitchDoctor said, no real description. Yes you have the emotions and a bit of the story in there, but no descriptions of the setting, I don't know if this takes place in 2012, or 1220. And have no idea about the character them self, male, female? And the situation itself is kind of like one is thrust into reading the middle of a novel without knowing anything beforehand. Kind of like BOOM-there it is.
I've been writing for close to 20 years, and I know the basics of a good story. You have that here, I think you could use some more expanding and layout, but I can see potential for sure. I wouldn't mind exploring the idea a bit further with you, because I have questions, lol.
And I haven't had good motivation to finish anything I've started myself, but when I see someone who has the talent, I want to help.
Another thing, one I learned the hard way, about writing. Just because YOU know what is going on when you write it, doesn't mean the reader knows.
A lot of your language needs to be reworked to flow better such as:
As I continued to walk and I did not stop, as I was trespassing on Dead’s land.
Trespassing on Dead's land, I continued to walk, and did not stop.
Trespassing on land long since claimed by the dead, I continued to walk, and dared not stop
As I looked down the broken, god punished road that once had occupants miles to see so they say.
The broken, God punished road stretched out before me, and as I gazed upon it, I imagined what it must have looked like in the days of old, when it was packed with travelers for miles in each direction
Edited by Killidrix#1869 on 8/1/2012 7:27 PM PDT
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