Joke thread! (Clean and dirty)

Joeyray's Bar
WARNING: Understand that these ARE jokes and are only meant to make people laugh. Not all content is suitable for children, viewer discretion is ADVISED.

1) Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!


2) A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!''

The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''


3) A good-looking guy is sitting in a bar, sipping a whiskey. He notices a gorgeous woman at the end of the bar, talking with a friend. He calls over a waiter, and sends them both a martini, along with a note asking for the gorgeous woman's phone number.

Ten minutes later, the friend walks over with a note. It reads:

"Unless you have a Mercedes parked outside, a million bucks in the bank, and eight inches in your pants, you're not getting anything from me."

The man finishes his whiskey, considering his response. He then writes this down on a piece of paper, hands it to the friend, and walks out:

"Actually, I only have about $300k in the bank; most of my net worth is in the three dozen buildings I own downtown. And today, I'm driving the Porsche; the Benz, Hummer, and Lamborghini are currently at my summer residence.

But If you think I'm cutting off two inches for you, you can f*** right off."

4) Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"


5) Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping and riding trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

So here I am.


6) An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."


7) Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.

The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".

The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".

The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.

The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".

The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.

The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their !@# and head are interchangeable".
Bump! Let's get some good jokes going, and some laughs.
Look in the mirror.

^ Lame :P
Bump! Good jokes need to be read. Laughter needs to be spread!
A blond, a brunette and a redhead were on a plane and being chased by some guys.

The redhead hides in a cage of pigs, when the guys pass she goes "Oink!"
The brunette hides in a cage of dogs, when the guys pass she goes "Bark!"
The blond hides in a sac of potatoes, and when the guys pass she goes "Poootatoooooo...."
A Dragoon walks through a forest, over a river, into a volcano, gets stuck in ice for 2 years, rides a train, walks through Black Friday... to get to a bar.
Haha I like the potato one. The dragoon is decent :P
Why did Susie fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.

Knock knock?
Who's there?

Not Susie.
A blonde goes to the store to buy a T.V.. She picks one out and asks the worker if she can buy this T.V.. The Worker says "No, your blonde." The blonde dies her hair red and comes back to get the same results: "No, your blonde." The blonde cuts her hair off and comes back to get the same results again. She asks "Whats wrong, I don't even have any hair anymore?" The worker replies, "No, you can't have a T.V., thats a microwave."
I saw this quote on a super old thread that I didn't want to nuclear necro bump.
01/22/2012 02:11 PMPosted by Phlum
horidly inacurate

Like your spelling!

Okay, I'm done.
Saw this quote sometime.

A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
The horse replies "My wife just died of cancer"


Whoever invented knock knock jokes deserves a no bell prize.
A man goes to a doctor for his annual prostate exam. A week later he comes back to the same doctor and asks him to do the exam again.
The doctor says, "Okay, it never hurts to be careful. I might have missed something."
So the doctor does the exam all over again.
The next week the same man goes to the same doctor and asks the doc for another exam.
The doc says, "Again? This really is not necessary - but, it's your money."
He performs the exam again, and this time something pricks his finger. The doctor pulls out a dozen long-stem roses.
The doc says to the man, "Here's the problem, you have a dozen long-stem roses in your rectum."
The man then excitedly replies, "Read the card! Read the card."
Q: How do farmers send their mail?

A: By fence post.

Q: Why do cows always return to the barn?

A: Because they have such a good racket going; all they do is eat, walk around, and sleep, while a bunch of nutty humans give them food, clean them, heal them, and pay their bills.
StarCraft related joke, watch number 5 of this first:

The Ultralisk is the Hydralisk's bigger cousin, they have been friends forever, killing Terran, Protoss and Renegade Zerg together. However the Hydralisk was always jealous of the Ultralisk...because Ultra is always transfusing with the hot Queens.

The Hyrdalisk always wanted to ask one of them out....

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