Interview with a Queen

Joeyray's Bar
Good afternoon! Im retired Brood Lord Grackius Marshall, and im here with a special presentation tonight!
It seems one of our queens is dissatisfied with the way her employer is treating her, and has established a psionic link with Zerg TV to tell us of her struggles!

Queen:Hello Gracky! My name is Beerma and Im a massive fan of yours! In fact, I was best friends with the Queen that tended the hatchery you grew up in! I loved your work on Shakuras—those turtling Terrans didn't know what hit em!

Grackius: Thanks Beerma! Do you have a case of laryngitis or the flu?

Beerma: (croakily) Nope, this is how we queens always talk.

Grackius: Fascinating! Now tell me Beerma, how is life on the front lines?

Beerma: Grackius, you have no idea how horrible it is! My commander Xenharmonic knows im the most experienced queen on the field, so I am always asssigned to the main hatchery! I sit there injecting larvae all day, gazing down the ramp longingly at the queens down at the natural, who sometimes get to spread creap and kill those pesky marines =(.

Once, a reaper even came up here, and started abusing me with his BB gun!
I thought i'd teach that boy a lesson, but it turns out im not as fast as I used to be...
Once upon a time he would quite often enlist a companion for me if he thought there was a danger of air attacks.... but Gracky, I feel like im being replaced by a spore crawler... IT TOOK MAHHH JORB!

Grackius: There there Beerma, im sure things will turn out all right =/

Beerma: Im not so sure Gracky... im not quite the woman I used to be. My feelers are so pathetically weak these days that I once faced a Marine 1 on 1.... and I had to be rescued by my roach friend Tim!
Im not gonna lie.... i've put on some weight. A pheonix came by yesterday, tried lifting me up and the graviton generator broke under the strain. The little Zerglings have came up with these jokes that start off with "Yo mommaqueen so fat..." some of them seem to be referring to the fabled Protoss mothership—which of course doesn't exist—but they hurt my feelings anyway =(

Here's just a common example of the conditions I work in: You've been slaving all day, injecting the larva, sweltering in the hot sun, and suddenly you see a flying white thingie those Terrans call a medivuc or something. I just call them dropships. Anyway, I started shooting him with my little spines because he didn't wanna bribe me, but he had some strong plating, and just hovering above my mineral line these buggy things drop out.

"THIS IS MY HATCHERY!" I scream at them. Me and Tim were having a conversation earlier about how bad our jerbs are, so I was sure me and a roach could handle these young men.
Torrents of blue flame came raging out of jets on the top of the buggies, and suddenly I watched a huge portion of my beloved drones die roasting in the fire.

"RUN, MY CHILDREN!" but it was no use, (sniffle), those drones lined up and only one escaped to the natural. I've tried giving him counselling, but I think he's pretty messed up now. I don't blame him. He's enlisting in the scout department—courting death.
Me and Tim killed only ONE of those hellish buggies, before the rest lifted up in the medivuc and escaped.
Xenharmonic was furious. Zerglings, banelings and mutalisks raced towards the Terran base, and in a matter of heartbeats it was overrun. That doesn't bring those poor drones back to life, or make little David any less scarred now (bursts into tears).
(sniff) I need a pay rise (sob)

Grackius: Beerma... I never knew that being a Queen was so hard and dangerous. You know what!? Maybe you should be paid minerals AND GAS for your work.... Beerma, for your time here today I want to award you 500 minerals and 500 gas. Spend it wisely my friend.

Beerma: *gasp*, with this maybe I can bribe Xenharmonic into letting me work the natural again! Thank you Grackius! Zerg TV, Zergling Cola and Baneling Bars RULE!

Grackius: Yes they do, and a big thank you to our sponsors for supporting this program =).
Well, it seems we are out of time.
Next week we interview a Mutalisk on what it's like to weave around the battlefield, dodging enemy fire and dealing death to workers! We even find out what this new "Magic Box" technique is—I know many of my friends have been wondering about it!
I'm retired Brood Lord Grackius Marshall—Have a lovely afternoon, and may your bases stay cannon free!
So what's Toss gonna get?

7/10, pretty funny, but a bit too QQ'y
08/20/2011 03:41 PMPosted by XSliceNDiceX
7/10, pretty funny, but a bit too QQ'y

How would YOU feel if YOU were a queen tending a hatchery all day, only to see your babies roasted before your eyes?
08/20/2011 04:20 PMPosted by Xenharmonic
How would YOU feel if YOU were a queen tending a hatchery all day, only to see your babies roasted before your eyes?


Good Point
Thinking about it, the other Marine interview post was QQ'y too so, I'll up back to 9/10
Ah that was funny :)
Who reported this? Probably someone so jaded from QQ posts left and right that they've forgotten what humour is.

I like it. +1 sir, +1.
That was a good read (:

Poor queen =/
WOW Epic!
You have a +1 for writing this.
This reminds me of the old Don't Kill the Queen comic

I'll post the comic here again:
I didn't read it, but I'm going to assume it was hilarious and give you +1!!

XD I like the way you hinted at the stuff everyone knows about, but made it kinda seem like they didn't.
I thought all retired zerg were dead....................

Guess we learn something new all the time. Nice interview. Do a Lurker next time.
08/22/2011 09:38 AMPosted by Thundercrash
Guess we learn something new all the time. Nice interview. Do a Lurker next time.

If I get more replies, I will do an interview with a Lurker :D
Yes. Interview a lurker. :D

Join the Conversation

Return to Forum