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07/30/2012 12:48 PMPosted by Fantasy
The spear that he had taken from the bandit's body, three years ago


Three years have passed?

O.o
Re-read. Careful reading will get you the details!
06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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Still not getting it.
What? The three years?
Or more disturbingly, the story itself?
Fant, do you have any idea how much better this is without a certain person ruining your story.
08/06/2012 04:39 AMPosted by Fantasy
What? The three years?


The three years.
06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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08/08/2012 04:55 AMPosted by Fantasy
Fant, do you have any idea how much better this is without a certain person ruining your story.

And who is this mysterious person?



The three years.

Sometimes I go back and adjust the posts to add details. The detail is incredibly subtle.

After the day of hard work, and hunting, Abel returned to the cave with Cain to sleep......




Abel rolled over on the small ragged mat he slept on. The aches in his bones, and the stiffness of his muscles were prominent. His entire body felt as if it was going to fall to pieces. But still, for reasons unknown, sleep avoided him. He turned over and tapped Cain on the shoulder. Cain arose, and said with a weary tone of voice. "Well this is new, you waking me up. What is it?"
Abel asked, "I can't sleep, can you tell me a story?"
Cain nodded, rubbed the back of his neck with his right hand, and said, "It will have to be quick, but sure."
Abel sat up, and leaned against the wall, Cain started to speak in a slightly hypnotic voice. "There once was a hero, a hero that was more righteous, and kind than any other. He wandered around, and saved the people from things threatening them. After several years of helping others, he eventually started to feel something happening to him. He was aging. His muscles, his sinew, his entire body started fail on him. The hero feared what was happening. For the first time in his life, he could not fight what was happening to him. He could not strive against it. And he was scared. The hero, desired something which man can never have. Immortality. He strove to reach the heavens, and would do everything to reach it."
Cain coughed once, and rubbed his hands together. "The hero lost himself in his quest, and lost everything that made him what he was. He was no longer what he was before, he was willing to kill, murder, and do anything to obtain immortality. One day, his brother confronted him, and said "Brother, why do you strive for this. You have changed. It is not man's place to live forever. Marry, have children, and live a good life, rather than fight for immortality."
The Hero in response, killed his own brother, and cried out, "Why did you force me to do this! All I wanted to do was to live!" 
After doing the horrendous deed, the hero felt guilt in his heart. He realized how far he had fallen. He asked god for punishment, to act as atonement for his sins. God granted him his desire, and gave him a curse. For his crime of fratricide, the hero received a mark on his face, under his left eye. The hero would wander the world for all eternity. And he still wanders around, his spirit wanders around the world as the wind." 
After telling Abel the myth, Cain looked up to the ceiling, and then at his brother. Abel had fallen asleep, and was sleeping peacefully. Cain smiled, touched the scar on his cheek, lay down, and went to sleep.


You have a good plot going on, but the way you describe things is... not good. This portion felt really blocky.
You know, the person who instead of doing links started to make put his story in your story. You now, that person.
Well, I am not so sure how to describe a story that a character is telling. I mean, Its sort of difficult for me at least to describe it, if the characters aren't actually experienced.
So I chose the next best thing. I wrote out the story as if Cain was telling Abel the story. As If he was vocally saying it...
Also this is practice for me writing an actual book, I will practice new things, and somethings will come out wrong.
And Also I have writers block. It might be sometime before the next post arrives.
Oh teh noes.

A wild Writer's Block appears!
And the worst thing is.... I am out of popsicles.
Get the reference? Get it?
Mockingjay reference.
Still have writers block, So the next post might be bad. I wrote three different Ideas, then subsequently destroyed them as they weren't any good. If this keeps up I might just place another seed.
-_-
06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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06/12/2012 02:43 PMPosted by Fantasy
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._.

I like the bonding parts, but I'm resisting the urge to yell at you for eating Zerg.

Must.

Not.

Bring.

In.

PETAZ.
._.

I like the bonding parts, but I'm resisting the urge to yell at you for eating Zerg.

Must.

Not.

Bring.

In.

PETAZ.

Refresh my memory...
What is Petaz?

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