Commandment of the Just

Joeyray's Bar
This is a story I've been working on, I will continue, and it will be great! Post your feedback on each part!
The large doors exploded open followed by a gust of fire. A person in a marine suite walked in, but whom ever it was, it was no marine. The stranger walked forward, flames about him. Emperor Orris Mengsk the second watched from his throne. The figure was nearly at the desk and the Emperor poured two glasses of wine and set the bottle down. He held one glass to himself and stretched the other to the stranger who was now at the desk.
"Quite your pleasantries swine!"
With that, the stranger gave the side of the desk a mighty push to the right, which sent the desk across the room. The Emperor shrugged and quickly drank both glasses and wiped his mouth. He threw the glasses over his shoulder and smiled.
"If you've come to kill me, at least show me the face of my executioner. Go on, take that black bag of your head" He said sarcastically.
The stranger grabbed the Emperor by the collar and picked him up above his feet. The strangers visor swished back revealing the face of Morris Mengsk, the brother. Orris just hung there in the arm of his brother. he managed to croak out a laugh
"Ha! Still trying to take my toys brother! You don't have what it takes! Your nothing but a gutless fool! Morris forced Orris on to the chair and wrapped his hand around Orrises neck.
"I suppose I should grant you your last words before I squeeze your head off and kill you!"
"Correction brother, before I kill us." Orris pulled his hand out his pocket and revealed a grenade which was already missing its pin. Before Morris could finish his surprised and hateful look, both brothers were gone.
37 year old Allen, the former head of advisory sat on a hill in the park not far away from the Korahal capital building. The rain was all about him, but he did not care. He could see the capital building burning. Was this the end of the Dominion? If it was, it would mean the creation of several fractions, the formation of crime empires, the end of civilized communities. Would the fractions create a new confederacy? All these questions pounded the inner walls of Allen's mind as he took a long gulp from his bottle of wine. Allen's gaze shifted behind him as revolutionaries began to tear down the statue of the first Emperor, Arcturus.

The sound of gunshots could be heard constantly with the occasional explosion. People we screaming and yelling, a squad of devil fighters flew overhead and bombed a government building. Lightning crashed and Allen knew that the Dominion was over.

Allen picked up the bottle of wine and walked to a nearby tree. He began clawing at the ground and created a large whole quickly through the soggy ground. When the whole was deep enough he pulled something out of his pocket and dropped it inside the whole. He looked around, there was no one there, so he covered the whole back up and tried to make it look natural again.

Allen walked out of the park and into the rainy fog.
Okay, first off, everything that I am about to say, take it at face value.

While this is certainly a good start to a story, you have given no background. This is clearly set in-universe, so any reader will want to know the context. When is this in relation to current lore? Who are these characters, and what are their motivations? How did they get to their current positions?

What you have done is started from the rising action, and given no setting. Bad form, and will always lead to the reader getting confused.

Now to structure. Your detail is good, but it was rushed and gray. Flesh out the scene. Tell us where we are, give us the tools to visualize the scene in our minds.

But, overall, a good start.
Allow me to explain the plot a little.

This is in the future of the dominion.
Background will be build in a flashback in upcoming parts.

So it will be like,
The middle
The past
The future.

Ya it jumps. But it will make sense I assure you. I am making it jump as a suspense tool of sorts.

the character, plot, background, everything will be built.

It will make sense, because the middle is already over. Having a short but cool middle will help.

When I'm done I might rearrange it.

I'm either going to make the past in flashbacks and hints. Or put all of in in one part.
I think I'll just redo it a little. And start with the beginning on a different thread.
I'll have the first (beginning) part out sometime soon.

This is going to be a bit long.
inb4 three threads that are 25 pages each with JUST duke posting.

Hey I thought you were coming back next year?

09/20/2012 10:42 AMPosted by Duke
This is going to be a bit long.

09/20/2012 11:00 AMPosted by MarkusDaWise
inb4 three threads that are 25 pages each with JUST duke posting.

I would post again but I do not wish to bump this thread.
09/20/2012 11:00 AMPosted by MarkusDaWise
inb4 three threads that are 25 pages each with JUST duke posting.

I don't follow?

And I've got some time mid day that I can manage to post. New job, NO I was NOT fired, I got promoted to a better position.

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