The King of Pirates - Story

Joeyray's Bar
Prev 1 2 3 9 Next
I've gotten a lot of hate, but no feedback! C'mon! Throw me some negativity relating to the story!
It seems fine. Don't know why you're expecting something wrong with every post.
Because I'm human, and humans aren't perfect. So there must be something for me to improve on.

But if there really is NOTHING you can think of, then I'll post the next segment.
I've given you the only thing I saw, which was the spacing.
Yes post already I like the story.

Captain Green was typing up all the information he could about Captain Luis Pintail’s return along with the rest of his crew that happen to be on the command bridge. After he had just finished typing his complete report on everything that had happened, he stood up and approached the elevator. It was time to live a hero or go down in style.
“Come on, everyone come on.” Richard Green ordered while in the elevator punching every button there was to try and make it do something, but it wouldn’t.
“Does anybody know if there is an escape hatch or something!?” He asked, still frantically pushing every button in sight.

“Yes,” Laurence offered, “But it won’t be fun if the power comes back on.”
“Okay, good, whatever, let’s get out of here!” Laurence reached down and lifted up a floor panel. Under the panel revealed a maintenance controller. Laurence switched a switch and the sound of releasing pressure above them rang throughout the elevator. He then reached up and pushed a roof panel free and climbed up to the top of the elevator.

“Come on up!” He called, offering his hand to each crew member as they came. Richard, being the Captain, let everyone else go first. The song playing through the intercom made it exceptionally hard to think. Finally, there were only two more crew members left besides him. The song ended and the lights turned back on. The computer screens no longer showed static and the elevator whirled to life. The elevator began it’s descend and the Captain knew who was calling it. Captain Luis. Richard and Laurence helped the last two crew members out and just then, the elevator doors cracked open, revealing a man with a black tri-corned pirate hat, a black trench coat, and a wicked grin. The man held in one hand a laser sword and in the other, some sort of handgun that Captain Richard Green had never seen before which was odd, because Green had seen many guns in his lifetime. It was assured in Richard’s mind; that was Captain Luis Pintail.

“At last, we finally meet face to face, Mr. Green.” Captain Luis said, examining the elevator. “I must say, this ship is state of the art!”
“Captain Luis…” Richard Green stated the obvious in an attempt to learn more about him. “Some fancy technology you got, no?”
“What this old stuff?” He asked holding up a remote. He then pushed a button and another song began to play throughout the intercom system. This one seemed calmer and more depressing.

“Anyways, I have some information looting to do so if you will excuse me.” He said in a light tone as if this was like waking up in the morning. Natural. He walked into the elevator and pushed Captain Green out.
“Tell me one thing.” Captain Green asked as two pirates with CMC armor came and grabbed him by each arm. Captain Luis raised an eyebrow as if to say, “Im listening.”
“Is James the mole?” A smile spread across Luis’ face as the elevator doors slid closed. I really… really… hate that guy. Richard Green thought while being dragged away.

4,101/4,101 Words Posted
I will write up another thousand words tonight probably... or tomorrow. It really depends. Im glad you are enjoying it Morph!
Spacing between speakers. Less of an eye sore.
Of course I am enjoying it if its sci-fi or fantasy I can be rather hell bent on reading it and enjoying it too. Though I do agree with zarkun about spacing needing a bit of work.
The one thing I want to work on a lot is character development. I want my readers to feel for each and every character including the villains. How am I doing on that?
Truthfully, your characters are hard to get attached to. So, for me, not too well. However, it's still a good read.
Why? That is the big thing I want to know. Why are they hard to get attached to? I really need to work on that.

That is the biggest problem with my writing and I really need to fix it. You are not hurting my feelings if you tell me, please do.
I'm not sure why honestly. Maybe I've read too many great novels. I have a hard time breaking attachments to my own characters sometimes. CPOK, that Dominion admiral, he was supposed to be a throw away, now I might be unable to do it.
Really? You have no idea? >_<
*Shrug* No idea. Sorry. Maybe because of the way you introduce them. You don't give us long enough to learn their habits or anything like that. You jump right into the action.
Hm... That got me thinking... Thanks Zarkun!
I'm enjoying it.
Well, thanks KO! That means alot!
Well thanks, Markus. That means a lot!
lulwut? hahaha

Join the Conversation

Return to Forum