A Rift in Shadow Valley (Story)

Joeyray's Bar
We'll see in a bit, for the meantime, what do you think of the edited part? Did it do the death justice, or should I squeeze in more?
Yours:
"Goodbye, Alexandria." Josh says, tears welling up in his eyes. Just then, Alexandria stopped breathing, her heart stopped beating, and her brain stopped thinking. Josh turned away and wept, and his mother came, and hugged him, and he wept too. But then the father came, and composing himself, he uttered horrible words.

My edit:
"Goodbye, Alexandria." Josh says, tears welling up in his eyes. With a small sigh, Alexandria's eyes closed, her head lolling against Josh's shoulder...
Not everyone one writes the same way.
True, I meant for the "..." to mean whatever else you want to follow it up with.
Josh looked around, he was still in shock. I mean, his sister had just died, she had been his best friend, and she was gone...

He looked around the shuttle, to see who his new companions might be. Next to him was a large man, black and with a shiny bald scalp. He was muscular, and had large, sort of buggy dark brown eyes. Next was an Asian man, who was slimmer and lithe, with long black hair in a ponytail and hazel eyes, shorter than Josh, and about the same age. He would soon learn that they were all the same age, and had all been taken for a purpose.

"Okay, now step out. This is your new home, and the six of you are to stay together in a group for as long as you're here." He said, stopping. All around there was dirt and dust, and Shadow Valley to him looked like a desert, with several ugly black or brown buildings sticking up.

"Give your name!" Said the Marine who'd driven them there. He was faceless, with little significance, but evil to those whom he'd captured.

"Josh Steinbeck, sir." Said Josh, nervously. He looked back now, to catch a glimpse of these other unlucky souls.

"WiIll Johnson, sir." Said the black man, he now saw that he was an utter brute, and towered above the instructor. One would have to be a fool to go after him.

"Kim Young." Said the small Asian with the black hair and the dark eyes. The instructor moved on to the next one of them now, and she was a little thing, but did not remind him of his sister, but rather of a girl he'd once had a crush on in middle school. She had long black hair, and large brown eyes, with a slender and curvy figure for a body.

"Mindy Zibul." She said, as the man went to the next one, who was almost certainly psionic, simply from her looks. She had a petite figure, but was taller than Mindy. She had glowing purple eyes, and light blue hair, as well as a marking on her face, a blue marking in the shape of the wing of a bird.

She responded before the man even had a chance to say something, "Louise Villny." She spoke in a calm, almost eery voice. The last man was the black mans brother, and was similar looking, except with lighter brown eyes and a slightly smaller figure.

"Jake Johnson." The instructor, satisfied, began leading them towards one of the buildings.

"In all my years I may never have seen such a ragtag group." He said, though Josh didn't hear him, for he was concentrated on the girl named Louise that reminded him so of his sister somehow.
The instructor, his head covered in a hat and sunglasses, led them a lone blue building standing out among the grey and the brown structures. Josh welcomed this, as his favorite color was blue. They walked the long march, the two brothers cracking jokes and the other four staying silent.

________

They finally reached the lonely blue building, at which point the instructor turned to them.

"This building will be your squad quarters! Inside, there are 3 showers and bathrooms, a kitchen, a living room, and all the comforts of home!" He said gleefully.

"But...why? If this is military related, why make it so homey?" Asked Kim, and to be honest, Josh was wondering the same thing.

"Yeah, and why is it the only blue building?" Josh asked curiously. The instructor looked at him with a drop-jawed face, as did the others, and the instructor ignored both questions.

___________________

Inside there were two rooms, and they decided that Kim and the brothers were to go together, while Josh was to be bunked with Louise and Mindy. Everyone seemed happy with this, so he went with it, and picked the bed in the corner of the room, a lone blue bed where the others were green. They got comfortable, and decided to sleep, then get to know each other that night. The instructor wasn't going to do anything with them for three days he said, which gave them plenty of time to learn about each other.

________________________

That night, Josh, who was a cook, made them all a nice chicken dinner, which they enjoyed while talking.

"So, what's your story, Cook?" Asked the larger of the two brothers.

Josh told his story, and they all comforted him as he spoke, but he remained cheerful, and so it came to pass, and then they took turns telling their own story.

OOC: Going to wait to post the stories, don't want to overwhelm people. :P
OOC:
No, go ahead, keep posting.

This last bit feels somewhat rushed, and a little unreal/cheesy... If anybody else knows what I'm trying to say and can do a better job, please do so.
OOC:
No, go ahead, keep posting.

This last bit feels somewhat rushed, and a little unreal/cheesy... If anybody else knows what I'm trying to say and can do a better job, please do so.
Nothing really happened, that's why it was rushed....I'm not going to go over every inconsequential detail. Also, the whole "unreal/cheesy" is deliberate. If that sounds stupid, you'll see why later.
Given the nature of the story, I thought that might have been the case.
First up was Will, who quickly jumped right into his story, or, rather, both his and his brothers, for they were inseparable.

"Me and Jake here, we was both 'round five when ou' mother sent us to football camp. Football's been ou' lives sence. I don' think dat we was going to be pro, but we was still good. An' den, these people came, and dey taked us from ou' mother, and now here we is."

"That was nice, now how about you, Mindy?" asked Jake.

"Okay, here it goes. I was born into a farming family, and I lived the wild life. I loved to go on adventures, but my family moved to the big city when I was fourteen. I got into some trouble, lived a new sort of wild side...and I found that the military had a thing for people like me. That's the basics of it." She finished with a sigh, "Kim?" she asked.

"I was going to school, I was going to go to university...never had much of an interesting life, but then these people took me." He said angrily, before passing it on to Louise.

"I was born in a pretty big city, I found out I was psionic early on, and hid it. I lived in seclusion, but that was about it. Then these people took me."

That hit Josh like a brick, something was up with this girl, and it wasn't normal. The others also seemed vaguely familiar, he'd probably seen them at school before. They played some friendly poker afterwords, and stayed up through most of the night talking. They were still kids, and so they decided to play 'Truth or Dare', and when it landed on Josh he took a dare.

Jake was the one who gave it, and he chuckled as he said it.

"I want y'all to kiss Mindy. But just kissin', we just met." He said, and so he did it, and he felt something new at that moment. Her lips met his, and a fire burned in his soul, he'd never felt so incredible, and thought he was in love. She thought the same thing, and they were now in a long kiss, he heard Jake laughing, and the others watching, laughing as well. After what seemed like eternity, they stopped, and sat back up, smiling awkwardly at each other.

"I'm getting tired, night." said Kim. After they protested with him, he went up, and soon they followed, tucking in for the night. But Josh and Mindy smiled at each other as they went to sleep, and Josh knew something between them was special.
Good, well written, but it needs more to it.

12/12/2012 10:36 PMPosted by Dacder
a fire burned in his soul

A good bit of imagery. It really helped.
Aaawww, that last segment was awkward :P

If Only I were a freaky psionic... But Josh isn't even psionic so Im a little confused. I felt it was just a weeeeetle bit rushed. Not much, just a little. But I feel like you could have seized the opportunity to explain in detail just how awful it would be to have a psionic sister and how difficult it would be to keep her hidden.

Jake was the one who gave it, and he chuckled as he said it.

"I want y'all to kiss Mindy. But just kissin', we just met."


First of all, he said Y'all, which is plural for you all, when he meant just Josh.

12/12/2012 10:36 PMPosted by Dacder
"I'm getting tired, night." said Kim.


I feel this is a tad unrealistic. How many times did you decide you were going to turn it in right after something like that happened? Realistically, it would turn into a who is kissing who and you'd have boys kissing boys and other nasty stuff until the sun rose or they all passed out on each other. True, the others protested a little, but still... I dunno. Maybe im wrong.

The rest was awesome! I hope you keep it up! I can't wait to see how Mindy connects with Josh's sister.

I agree with the others in you should have added more detail in Josh's sisters death, but I actually found it quite good(Apart from the lack of detail).

Oh, and enjoy all this feedback while you can, in my experience it doesn't last long. Although the best stories get the most feedback so... :) You're a much more talented writer then I am. :)
Aaawww, that last segment was awkward :P

If Only I were a freaky psionic... But Josh isn't even psionic so Im a little confused. I felt it was just a weeeeetle bit rushed. Not much, just a little. But I feel like you could have seized the opportunity to explain in detail just how awful it would be to have a psionic sister and how difficult it would be to keep her hidden.

Jake was the one who gave it, and he chuckled as he said it.

"I want y'all to kiss Mindy. But just kissin', we just met."


First of all, he said Y'all, which is plural for you all, when he meant just Josh.

12/12/2012 10:36 PMPosted by Dacder
"I'm getting tired, night." said Kim.


I feel this is a tad unrealistic. How many times did you decide you were going to turn it in right after something like that happened? Realistically, it would turn into a who is kissing who and you'd have boys kissing boys and other nasty stuff until the sun rose or they all passed out on each other. True, the others protested a little, but still... I dunno. Maybe im wrong.

The rest was awesome! I hope you keep it up! I can't wait to see how Mindy connects with Josh's sister.

I agree with the others in you should have added more detail in Josh's sisters death, but I actually found it quite good(Apart from the lack of detail).

Oh, and enjoy all this feedback while you can, in my experience it doesn't last long. Although the best stories get the most feedback so... :) You're a much more talented writer then I am. :)
Thanks for the feedback, but the "y'all" was just how Jake talks. The bed right after...has it's reasoning, I'll leave it at that. Though I do understand why you pointed it out. And I wouldn't say that, TKOP is obviously a pretty big success. :P
12/13/2012 01:07 AMPosted by MarkusDaWise
I feel this is a tad unrealistic. How many times did you decide you were going to turn it in right after something like that happened?
Then you don't know me if you would have seen me in real life, I'm weird.
Thanks Dac :D You're welcome for the feedback! I know how it is NOT getting feedback... It sucks :P

12/13/2012 12:39 PMPosted by CrymsonRaven
I feel this is a tad unrealistic. How many times did you decide you were going to turn it in right after something like that happened?
Then you don't know me if you would have seen me in real life, I'm weird.


Okay well... Im pretty sure he's not THAT weird. You're right, there are a select few who would, but C'mon, maybe 1/10,000 would do that?

He said there was a reason for that though, so yeah :)
As Josh woke up, the two girls in the room also seemed to wake up. He thought it a bit odd, but didn't think much of it. They all quietly took showers, the water nice and hot. The place was rather homey, but was still a military base, and they needn't be reminded of that fact.

____________________

As the three of them walked down the stairs, they saw the others getting breakfast. It was a mix of pancakes, bacon, eggs, sausage, and syrup. It looked delicious, and Josh got his food, piling it on.

"Sheesh Josh, is y'all trying to win at eatin' o' somethin'?" asked Jake, to which they all laughed.

"Just haven't had much to eat for a few days." replied Josh as he stuffed a large mouthful into the ravenous hole that was his mouth.

"Well den, I say it seems like yo' makin' an effort to make up lost time." said Josh with a smile on his face, and which point all of them started laughing, and eating. They made basic small talk, before getting to what they were all truly interested in.

"What do you think we're doing here?" asked Mindy.

"No idea, but whatever it is, it likely has something to do with the Dominion military." said Josh.

"Doubtful," answered Kim, "I think it's all for naught, or an experiment."

"Hopefully it's military." stated Will, "That way we get to kill Zerg."

That made everything quiet for a moment, they'd never thought about fighting Zerg. But soon after, the small talk resumed and they finished their meal, before all doing their own thing. The two brothers played video-games, Kim went to read, Louise going up to their room for something, and Mindy and Josh going into a small room, watching a movie together.
With popcorn and soft drinks on the classy dark-wooded table, and themselves on a comfortable red and oak wood couch, they put in Napoleon Dynamite. As the movie begins, Josh and Mindy each notice the cold night, and move closer together on the couch.

"It sure it chilly out." Said Mindy, wondering if Josh could take a hint.

"Well, let's warm each other up." He replied slyly, as they snuggled next to each other on the couch, momentarily forgetting about the movie.

_______________

Upstairs, the brothers were busy playing a Madden game, and when Will won, you bet Jake got mad.

"Dammit, I mean, the hell? 'ow, did y'all do dat? Y'all cheated!" He remarked angrily, throwing his controller on the table.

"Calm yo'self Jake." He said, putting the controller on the table, "Let's play Gears, a'ight?"

"A'ight, Will." Jake said, suddenly getting a smile on his face. The brothers really did like one another, they were just a bit too competitive. They plugged in the game, and played for hours on end, immersed in the world. As it was, Gears was Josh's favorite game, but he was busy at the time.

_____________________

As Kim lost himself in his favorite book, he wondered why the others were so keen on interacting. He preferred the land of fantasy, of heroes and villains, though he thought that perhaps that was the world he was living in currently. He couldn't help but hate the Dominion for taking him away from his home, and now, the books were the only things he had left.

"!@#$%^- them for what they've done to these people here."

_____________________

In her room, Louise felt safe, safe..from the outside world. She'd never fit in...anywhere. She didn't expect this to be the exception. How many times exactly she'd been humiliated in public, she didn't know, but that was the true reason for her seclusion. She simply sat there, staring into space, trapped in the nightmare that was her own life. She'd never asked to be...different, it was something she was given, and it was unfair. She wanted to scream, but resisted, and kept it inside. Now, her family, who had adopted her, had been ripped from her arms, and she sat there, in the room, grieving and longing for them.

_______________________

As the movie further advanced, the two people, still mostly children, steadily moved closer together, huddling under the same blanket, as the dance scene to end the movie came on, they looked at each other, shied away for a moment, then lunged full on, and kissed. It quickly became more, however, and, {BLACK SCREEN}.

________________________

Afterwords, they didn't exchange a word, but instead just smiled at one another, and put in another movie. This time though, they paid less attention to the movie, and more attention to each other. She felt at home, and safe with him, and he felt as though his whole life had been all for this moment. They were each others sources of happiness in this wretched place, as the books were release for Kim, or the games for the brothers. However, Louise had no release, and it was only a matter of time until she snapped under the pressure.
WHATATATAT!?!?!

Already? Okay, that was waaay too fast. Way too fast... Way... Too... Fast. They what!? Already? You'd better have an extremely good explanation for this, boy!

BAHAHA! They just got it on right then and there :P

What if someone walked in at that moment? I mean seriously! >_<

I'd be laughing too hard about Napolean Dynomite to be gettin' busy anyways.
WHATATATAT!?!?!

Already? Okay, that was waaay too fast. Way too fast... Way... Too... Fast. They what!? Already? You'd better have an extremely good explanation for this, boy!
They just lost their families, and are desperate for love and affection, for something good to happen. That's my answer.
That's you. Some people find that more fun. Also, that sort of thing can happen, especially with the young.

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