The Life on the Front Lines (story)

Joeyray's Bar
Cool, cool. I like the action. Just a few pointers:

I struggle greatly with this, but dialogue is HUGE. It can be tough, but it's really important to put yourself in each characters shoes to really get exactly what they would say and how they would say it in each situation and circumstance.

For example, I feel that some of the things that "You" say are just a tad... I don't quite know how to explain it. It just doesn't quite capture the full force of the situation and as such it takes the reader out of the moment slightly... I guess? I'm not sure how to describe it.

02/26/2013 01:31 PMPosted by darkra
!!!


Really, only one is needed. It's better to describe how urgent Ross' voice is with words rather then put a bunch of exclamation marks. For example, it could read:

"Rosco, get your !@# back here!" Ross yelled at the top of his lounges as Wess frantically revved the engine of the rusty hellion.


Rather then:

“Rosco get your @ss back here!!!”
Ross yells
as Wess starts revving the engine of the hellion.


Which do you think was better?

Also, keep your grammar in top TOP form. It's easier to read and it helps people take you that much more seriously. (Not that I don't but... You get it.)

I can provide specific grammar errors if you'd like.

So anyways, that's my input. I hope I don't come off as a bratty !@#, I'm just doing to you what I wish others would do to me: Read the story, provide exactly what you think of it.
02/26/2013 01:56 PMPosted by ThaneKrios
Really, only one is needed. It's better to describe how urgent Ross' voice is with words rather then put a bunch of exclamation marks


You've clearly never read a good book in your life XD

Lots of books overuse exclamation marks for more emphasis. This is what D was going for.
02/26/2013 02:06 PMPosted by Zarkun
Really, only one is needed. It's better to describe how urgent Ross' voice is with words rather then put a bunch of exclamation marks


You've clearly never read a good book in your life XD

Lots of books overuse exclamation marks for more emphasis. This is what D was going for.


Okay, fine. But then you need to do both. My point was, putting a million exclamation marks doesn't always cut it.
First part was joking so you know.
02/26/2013 02:09 PMPosted by Zarkun
First part was joking so you know.


Thanks for clarifying, but i'm not that sensitive xD
02/26/2013 01:56 PMPosted by ThaneKrios
"Rosco, get your !@# back here!" Ross yelled at the top of his lounges as Wess frantically revved the engine of the rusty hellion.


well you have to remember this is told from the character's perspective and he doesn't really pay attention to details, he is in the moment. Would you really notice Ross is straining his lungs and the rust on a hellion when an entire zerg brood in knocking on your front door? but yes character development is kinda broad right now and that's because we've already had a huge introduction section and i wanted to fit in some action but don't worry YOU WILL BE MOVED XD. and grammar will be grammar, i don't catch everything but if something is sticking out like an eyesore please say so and i'll fix it
02/26/2013 03:05 PMPosted by darkra
well you have to remember this is told from the character's perspective and he doesn't really pay attention to details, he is in the moment. Would you really notice Ross is straining his lungs and the rust on a hellion when an entire zerg brood in knocking on your front door?


Yes, and although this is true, it's important for the reader to catch those details. You're right, if you want to stress that the character is in the moment and not paying attention to details, you can state that!

"Rosco, get your !@# back here!" Ross yelled at the top of his lounges as Wess frantically revved the engine of the rusty hellion. I didn't even notice Ross' strained voice, or how shaky Wess' fingers were as he attempted to steady them. All I could think about was if the hunk of junk that I called a 'hellion' was going to get us home safely.


There ya go, I made a paragraph out of three sentences. :)

02/26/2013 03:05 PMPosted by darkra
YOU WILL BE MOVED XD


That's how I feel about every single one of my stories xD I know what you mean! :P
We reached our destination.
“you sure this is the place?”
Ross asks,
“I’m pretty sure”
I reply.
In front of us was a dusty old sign that read “Ethan’s Pool Emporium”.
“why would the protoss hide it here?”
Wess pondered out loud,
“because if its an 8 ball, wouldn’t it be easier if it was hidden with its own kind dumb@!@#?
Rosco snarls.
We step in to realize....
“we’re gonna be here for a while”
I say,
Staring out into the vast, strangely untouched antique shop with 8 balls lining the never ending shelves.

1 hour later....

“This is totally useless!!!”
Wess screams,
Crushing an 8 ball with his metal gauntlet. I was reaching my breaking point too as I leaned against the cashier desk. That’s when I saw the small souvenir shelf beside the cash register. It featured those 8 balls, when shaken, would answer yes or no questions.
“I used to love these when I was a kid”
I say grinning,
Picking one up I shook it. In black letters it said “yes”. I chuckle before asking it a question
“will this search ever end?”
I shake the ball and in black letters it responded
“sooner than you think”,
My eyes widen.
“uuh guys...”
I say,
As the group gathered around me. Shaking the 8 ball again it displayed
“what you seek is in your hands”
“this is it”
I say,
“no way, an 8 ball is crazy enough, but a toy?”
Rosco replies.
I gave the ball another whirl
“who you calling a toy?”
I haven't read much but I like the writing style even though it's different. It's like a personal narration combined with the style of RP stories, and at the same time it flows like a regular story.
Hm... Interesting... I still do love those things xD

Next segment? Enjoying the story :)
A couple hours later.....

“so what now?”
I ask,
“what do you mean?”
Wess replies
“well after we deliver this artefact we’ll probably be shipped off world”
I explain.
“well wherever we go lets just hope I won’t see zerg again”
Ross groans,
Just as we rounded a corner we are greeted by a sight that terrified the most hardened marine...... An ultralisk.
“my god”
Rosco exclaimed,
as the beast towered over us, our hellion just a tiny ant under its heels. Wess stomped on the reverse just as the ultralisk lumbered toward us. Just then the 8 ball began shaking with “translation mode activated” written on it.
“what the f!ck?”
I scream,
As a quite.... Well retarded voice blared out of the artefact.
“come here pretty humans! I want to give you a big hug!”
The entire hellion shuddered as Wess managed to spin our vehicle around. Even at full forward speed the Ultralisk lumbered right on our tail.
“I’m going to hug you! And love you! And name you George!”
The zerg blared through the 8 ball,
“I don’t know what is more creepy, the voice or the actual ultra!”
I screamed,
Just then I found a banana under my seat. Grabbing it I threw it at the ultralisk.
“what do you think that’s gonna do?”
Ross asked me,
“I have no idea”
I reply.
But miraculously the thing began to follow the banana!
“me hungry! Banana want!”
The Ultra roared before lumbering off.
“I got 2 words for you....... No comment”
Wess said,
Before slamming down hard on the accelerator....
....

LOL... what is this from?!?! it's really familiar...
“I’m going to hug you! And love you! And name you George!”


Bugs Bunny!
03/15/2013 04:55 PMPosted by ThaneKrios
“I’m going to hug you! And love you! And name you George!”


Bugs Bunny!


WE HAVE A WINNER!!!! XD
bump. story section coming soon
That last part almost made me die I never knew ultralisks were so lovable. Darkra you have very nice fluidity to your writing but sometimes the "minor" grammar errors complicate that. Keep it up dude I find this very entertaining.
Note: Yes good sirs it is back with more wit, comedy and drama then before! The rhyming part in this selection was done with the help of the comic Romantically Apocalyptic issue 117 which this story was inspired from.

We were back on track with the artefact in hand. Everything was going according to schedule until......... The hellion broke down.
“God dammit Wess your hunk of junk broke down again!”
Ross yells,
As he gives the vehicle a kick. I couldn’t help but feel slight annoyance as well.
“hey it gets us where we need to be”
He replies.
Tinkering with the engine. Everyone took posts around the area, anxious in case any zerg attacked us. We were ready, prepared, stone faced and deadly. That’s when a leviathan showed up, and like any other brave dominion soldier would do. We screamed like little pansies and ran.

.................................

That’s how we got here. The leviathan captured us and we’re in one of its cacoon stomach things. For some reason a mound of flesh stood out of the ocean of slime we were standing knee deep in. On that mound was an even stranger table with cards, chips, and a skeleton. So the 4 of us were playing poker, making the best out of our last minutes in this life as acid boiled and climbed higher and higher up the mound, sooner or later it would eat us alive completely. But not me.......
“come on!! Save us please!”
I screamed at the artefact,
“its not going to work”
Rosco said,
His voice already lost all hope.......

Inside the depths of the leviathan Tyler gripped the artefact.....
“Do something please!!!”
He begged the infinite ball.
Would it open its eyes of knowledge and wonder?
Would it grant this rag tag group of adventurers their impossible wish?
Something very odd transpired within,
The 8 ball awoke to Tyler’s 5 year old scream,
For its heart had grown 3 trillionfold that day
It said “nay! Nay! This will not happen, these famed events should not go as they transpired!”
A Thermal Lance it quickly deployed, the Cacoon it broke, The laser hotter than a star.
But out of whim the gang was left unharmed,
The 8 ball released judgement and hell, breaking carapace, guts, zerg, and shell. The ray arched, bounced, and flew around.
Everyone screamed but Tyler uttered not a sound.
They were in the upper atmosphere, almost deep into space.
“what now?” the the group screamed out of terror and fear
“I don’t know good gents, this is where we fall”.....
W00t! Hope you were going to pick this up!
hey i found it! took me a bit but i found the pinnacle of my comedic masterpiece. Will probably continue this hopefully around this weekend so expect the return of Rosco, Tyler, Ross, Wess and the infamous 8 ball! so read up OR ELSE.

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