Is my character a Mary Sue?

World’s End Tavern: Role-play and Fan Fiction
1 2 3 10 Next
Hey, just wanted to ask WET for their opinions on one of my newer characters that I'm writing about.

She is orphaned at a very young age and comes into a tremendous amount of wealth, enough to rival entire kingdoms on Azeroth. Now she's an adult and running into plenty of problems on her own. Every single guy she meets falls hopelessly in love with her, but inevitably she has to cast them aside for she is dedicated to much more righteous things like honor and goodness.

She is incredibly brilliant; a genius if she was to receive any kind of IQ test. In addition to her intellect, she rivals some of the greatest warriors Azeroth has ever known in physical ability, and is leaps and bounds above the average person in terms of beauty. Her major flaw is that she is tormented with uncontrollable angst, yet people only desire her more as a result of it, perpetuating a vicious cycle.

Despite her outstanding abilities, she knows no magic. However many of her magical friends and even her enemies, who would claim to hold some kind of advantage over her, are baffled when she proves to be more competent than any of them in just about anything. Every enemy she faces is inevitably wrong in their morals, and she can plan for any confrontation that might arise.

Her personality is often described as "aloof" and it is a mystery to many people on how she manages to have so many close friends and allies. Anything she orders is done, and when a problem needs solving, she is the first person to go to.


That's kind of the rough outline I have right now for the character. Thoughts?
Seems pretty legit to me.

You might want to make her actually be a dragon in disguise, though. That will strengthen the character.
I approve of this character creation.
If you are going for a classic Mary Sue character you have done really well!! Congrats!!
I can see a lot of potential for her in the comic relief section of storylines.
this is a pretty great character idea :O
02/15/2014 04:47 PMPosted by Rotrude
You might want to make her actually be a dragon in disguise, though. That will strengthen the character.


How so?

02/15/2014 04:49 PMPosted by Neltriz
I can see a lot of potential for her in the comic relief section of storylines.


She's actually going to be the protagonist, and I'm not too keen on writing a comedy. Thanks for your thoughts, though.

02/15/2014 04:51 PMPosted by Dragosa
this is a pretty great character idea :O


Thanks!
idk what was goin through ur mind when you thought this god awful character concept up, but you should really be ashamed of yourself.

do u know what gode-modeing is? maybe you had ought to look it up, since u obviously dont know what it means.

do us all a favor and uninstall your whirla warcraft, you mary sue (im using this unironically btw so shove off im serious)
First off, I wouldn't let the haters get you down; they're mostly jealous that they didn't think of the idea first. Come on, people; you're being embarrassingly transparent.

Second, I love your character concept! I'm sure WoW RPers the world over will find themselves engrossed in her adventures, given some time to get to know her.
What's her name/race gonna be?
Very much so, yes.
For people saying that my character is a Mary Sue, I'd really like some feedback as to why that is.
02/15/2014 05:36 PMPosted by Delenoire
For people saying that my character is a Mary Sue, I'd really like some feedback as to why that is.


In short, she's too perfect. People read fiction to see characters struggle to overcome obstacles, but from what you've shared of your character, it sounds like she could beat Deathwing within days. I guess I can't honestly speak for everyone, but to me at least, it's pretty boring when characters don't need to grow or improve in any way in order to have the happy ending.

Now, I suppose you could write the story well enough that she will be forced to go through character development. It could be interesting to see this previously unbeaten heroine finally confronted with somebody even better than she is, but you've only shared the character, so that's all we have to judge.
You say she is the one of the best in the world for like three things and amazing at a bunch of others. Her only flaw is angst, which isn't to big of a flaw.
02/15/2014 05:36 PMPosted by Delenoire
For people saying that my character is a Mary Sue, I'd really like some feedback as to why that is.

Sure thing pal!

02/15/2014 04:43 PMPosted by Delenoire
She is orphaned at a very young age and comes into a tremendous amount of wealth, enough to rival entire kingdoms on Azeroth.

First of all, that's disgusting, and if that was done in the U.S. would count as a federal crime of defacing money and/or childhood sex trafficking.

Secondly, this is an irrelevant point in the rest of your story. She apparently does nothing with the money, so who cares!

Thirdly, last time I downed Garrosh he dropped like 6 gold. Obviously the kingdoms of Azeroth are running into some hard financial times if that's the best they can pay their chief executive every week, and if I were a Goblin I'm not trusting the fiscal solvency of my lending operations on a poorly managed mess of an economy. I advise banking your wealth against something more fiscally stable.

02/15/2014 04:43 PMPosted by Delenoire
Now she's an adult and running into plenty of problems on her own.

You go on to show that she has no problems whatsoever!

02/15/2014 04:43 PMPosted by Delenoire
Every single guy she meets falls hopelessly in love with her, but inevitably she has to cast them aside for she is dedicated to much more righteous things like honor and goodness.

Oh baby, you at least have to buy me dinner first.

>Don't control people's actions for them.

02/15/2014 04:43 PMPosted by Delenoire
She is incredibly brilliant; a genius if she was to receive any kind of IQ test. In addition to her intellect, she rivals some of the greatest warriors Azeroth has ever known in physical ability, and is leaps and bounds above the average person in terms of beauty.

Great! She must have some crippling moral issues to compensate, then! Like Superman! Or Batman! All those OP superheroes have moral issues since they can't be defeated in physical combat!

02/15/2014 04:43 PMPosted by Delenoire
Her major flaw is that she is tormented with uncontrollable angst

I'm envisioning a Twilight spin-off where they have Angstpyres instead of Vampires. "ARGH! RUN BELLA! THE ANGST IS OVERTAKING ME!"

>Angst is not a compelling character trait that leads to immersion in a character.

02/15/2014 04:43 PMPosted by Delenoire
yet people only desire her more as a result of it, perpetuating a vicious cycle.

No I don't. I'm also unclear on how this is a vicious cycle; as you have not mentioned anything about her not liking attention, just her reactions to attention.

>Don't control people's characters for them.

02/15/2014 04:43 PMPosted by Delenoire
Despite her outstanding abilities, she knows no magic. However many of her magical friends and even her enemies, who would claim to hold some kind of advantage over her, are baffled when she proves to be more competent than any of them in just about anything.

Is she more capable in unmagically deflecting fireballs to the face? If so, I'm not sure why you've included the part about her being unmagical. If she's more competent in other areas, what are they and why is she better than aforementioned magical people?

02/15/2014 04:43 PMPosted by Delenoire
Every enemy she faces is inevitably wrong in their morals, and she can plan for any confrontation that might arise.

Is this character a Timelord? Hell, I can barely plan what time I'm going to have lunch tomorrow. Also, can you even be angsty if you don't feel out of place in your moral system? That seems contradictory.

02/15/2014 04:43 PMPosted by Delenoire
Her personality is often described as "aloof" and it is a mystery to many people on how she manages to have so many close friends and allies.

It's a mystery to me too.

>Don't control other people's characters for them

02/15/2014 04:43 PMPosted by Delenoire
Anything she orders is done, and when a problem needs solving, she is the first person to go to.

>Don't control other people's characters for them.

Honestly, you don't have a character. Your character is a black hole that sucks in the actions of characters around her because she does not have a personality of her own, bending the emotions of those around her with the sheer inverse-density of her personality.

Holy !@#$, I was wrong. That sounds %^-*ing awesome when I typed that out.

Jokes aside, if you want to create an actual human/elf/orc/thing you have to have reasons and motivations, not just the reactions of those around you giving substance to your character. Being super-sexy/awesome/rich/amazing is not in and of itself a writing sin. What is a writing sin is giving a character nothing believable for the reader to latch on to, no real reasons or conflict within the character. Sure, some billionaires might be rich and vapid, but we are made to learn a different lesson from Gatsby than that his parties were !@#$ing intense.

Perhaps give a backstory of how this came to be, and we can work from there to give your character actual substance.
So, she's batman?
02/15/2014 06:33 PMPosted by Aurric
So, she's batman?


Now you're getting it.
Since you are being open to a bit of advice I will attempt to make you understand. I will take each point as I see it.

{She is orphaned at a very young age and comes into a tremendous amount of wealth, enough to rival entire kingdoms on Azeroth. Now she's an adult and running into plenty of problems on her own. Every single guy she meets falls hopelessly in love with her, but inevitably she has to cast them aside for she is dedicated to much more righteous things like honor and goodness.}

All right, being orphaned is a common concept you are all right there. Having her be super wealthy? Kind of iffy, but not bad. Running into problems like what? Not being able to pick out which dress to wear among hundreds? Be realistic, if she is wealthy she won't have problems about gold. So that point is irrelevant. Where the point of contention is in the next line:

{Every single guy she meets falls hopelessly in love with her, but inevitably she has to cast them aside for she is dedicated to much more righteous things like honor and goodness.}

When you say "every single guy falls hopelessly in love with her" it is "god moding" in that you are controlling how others are supposed to act with her. It would be better worded to say she has lots of suitors, but she does not have any intentions of having a relationship. That way it is in the hands of those who see her to decide if they wish to fall for her. You give people a choice of action rather than dictating how you want them to react to her.

All right, next paragraph.

{She is incredibly brilliant; a genius if she was to receive any kind of IQ test. In addition to her intellect, she rivals some of the greatest warriors Azeroth has ever known in physical ability, and is leaps and bounds above the average person in terms of beauty. Her major flaw is that she is tormented with uncontrollable angst, yet people only desire her more as a result of it, perpetuating a vicious cycle.}

Claiming incredible intellect is subjective, since most people would like to think they are smart are usually lacking in common sense. You have not stated what class or race this character is going to be. In normal D&D situations (the common basis for this kind of game), high intellect would indicate a magic user of some kind, either a cleric or a mage/warlock. But then you go on to state her physical abilities as being an incredible warrior. So if she is a warrior why would she need high intellect?

Multiclass characters are hard to portray as they are not as competent in either field, but rather have difficulty using both at the same time. For an instance, you would be hard pressed to cast a spell of great power if you were in melee combat. (Yes I know you said you were not magic, but I am just giving an example.)

Then there is the last line. Again it is god moding to assume everyone is going to react to her angst as something to evoke love. Some may offer her compassion others will not. Pity maybe, or eye rolling, and not everyone will react the same. Sorry you are not in a single player game. In rp you allow others to get to know your character and response as "their" character would respond according to how they play it.

Next paragraph.

{Despite her outstanding abilities, she knows no magic. However many of her magical friends and even her enemies, who would claim to hold some kind of advantage over her, are baffled when she proves to be more competent than any of them in just about anything. Every enemy she faces is inevitably wrong in their morals, and she can plan for any confrontation that might arise.}

First part is not bad, it's the last line I do not like. You cannot be so overpowered no one can beat you. As well you are telling everyone else in the game you are better than they are, something most people will either ignore or refute. You can be smart and figure out how to overcome enemies, you can be a great warrior and even a brilliant tactical strategist. But to claim to outsmart everyone without fail is again godmoding. You are putting yourself up as a god. Is that your intent?

Last paragraph.

{Her personality is often described as "aloof" and it is a mystery to many people on how she manages to have so many close friends and allies. Anything she orders is done, and when a problem needs solving, she is the first person to go to.}

Although I see being aloof as good, and workable, I do not see it as a way to have everyone fall madly in love. Some people would be put off by this kind of attitude. Having all your orders carried out without question might be a problem for those who rebel at any kind of authority. Again you are setting yourself up as some kind of authority figure and that puts you dangerously close to expecting everyone to do everything you say and not giving them any alternatives. This is very scripted rp and though you might find some who are willing to rp with you, they will soon get tired of being told what to do.
02/15/2014 06:33 PMPosted by Aurric
So, she's batman?


Hey! That's insulting! I mean, Batman isn't-

Well, it's not like he would, um,

I mean, well,

Oh my god she's Batman.
02/15/2014 06:36 PMPosted by Delenoire
02/15/2014 06:33 PMPosted by Aurric
So, she's batman?


Now you're getting it.


Now? I just got here. What'd I miss?

<scrolls up>

... oh. That's what.

Join the Conversation

Return to Forum