The Abridged Life of Thrall

Story Forum
Draka: Durotan, my love, this is our son. I named him "Go'el" after taking the names "Goku" and "Kal-el" in a blender and hitting "Liquify". So, the name basically predicts he'll become a world-shaking hero, but raised by humans in a humble environment first.

Durotan, Chief of the Frostwolf Clan: The only way my son will be raised by humans is over our dead OH NO DEMON ASSASSINS urk.

Aedelas Blackmoore, Lord of Durnholde Keep: Aww, man, it's a shame when people throw away a perfectly good orc baby like that. Eh, I'll throw him in the internment camp I run. Name him "Slave". No, that's too obvious. How about "Thrall"? Yeah, that's better. Now fight in my arena, adopted son! Also I'll beat you daily. Have I mentioned that I'm evil yet?

Thrall: Eh, whatever. Oh hey, conveniently compassionate blonde woman Number 1 of 3!

Taretha Foxton: Despite Blackmoore's savage treatment of all the orcs, I choose to help you, the only one that seems like he could basically rescue himself. Now run, but don't get recaptured by--

Thrall: I got recaptured.

Old Orc Prisoner: Well, it looks like being a warrior isn't your best move. Wanna re-roll shaman? Also you should find Grom Hellscream.

Thrall: Wait, his actual name is "Hell Scream"? Pass. I'm gonna find the Frostwolf Clan in Alterac Valley. Vanilla PvP is the BEST!

Frostwolf Clan: We shall teach you the old ways of the pre-corrupted orcs, let you embrace the elements, and make you the first shaman!

Thrall: Wait, I became a shaman, without being taught by a shaman? So, basically I can make up random powers now? That's convenient. I think I'll use these new powers to challenge this mysterious stranger.

Orgrim Doomhammer: By defeating me, the Warchief of the Horde, you have proven your worth. Become my second-in-command.

Thrall: So, beating the Warchief in honorable single combat makes you SECOND in command? That's lame. Soon as we liberate all the orc internment camps, we're changing that rule to "whoever wins is Warchief".

Doomhammer: No way. Some violent sociopath with fighting skills could end up in charge. The only way that rule is changing is over my dead OH NO LANCE IN THE BACK urk.

Blackmoore: Yep, me again. I got wasted and beheaded your old girlfriend Taretha, who has been my "unwilling mistress" for years.

Thrall: You know, when writing a character, you're not supposed to just hold down the Evil Button. I mean, you don't have a single redeeming quality, do you? Oh look, a convenient epic weapon. THRALL SMASH!

Blackmoore: Wait! I'm proud of who you've OH NO DOOMHAMMER TO THE SKULL urk.

Thrall: You, human second-in-command: Tell the Alliance to let my people go!

Lord Karramyn Langston: What, adding "Moses" to the list now? Might as well call you "Green Je--"

Thrall: Shut up. Well, time to form the Justice Lea...I mean New Horde! I'll save the Darkspear from murlocs, the tauren from centaurs, the Warsong Clan orcs from Theramore soldiers, and the wyverns from harpies. Basically, anyone who is threatened by the B-team of fodder monsters can join.

Sen'jin: Ok mon, but ya be in charge. Da only way a troll gonna rule the Horde is over my dead OH NO MURLOC TO THE FACE urk.

Thrall: Son's in charge!

Grom Mother-Freaking Hellscream: Look, see those humans we can totally sneak by with no loss of life? I'm going to attack them FOR NO REASON! GAAAAAH BURN ALL THE BODIES!

Thrall: Huh, Doomhammer was totally right about sociopaths with fighting skills making really poor leaders. I should remember that lesson forev...oh hey! Zeppelins! What was I saying again? Oh hey, conveniently compassionate blonde woman Number 2 of 3!

Jaina Proudmoore: Orcs, here? I'll blast you into--

The Oracle: I call you three, Thrall Cairne and Jaina, as you are the most calm, rational, level-headed people in the entire Warcraft universe, to stop the growing threat of Grom's corrupted demon army. Only by joining forces can you stop them.

Thrall: Let's punch our way through waves of orcs and demons to end this nightmare!


Thrall: *bonk*

Grom: I'm good now. The Legion will rule the Horde over my dead OH NO DEMONFIRE TO THE EVERYTHING urk.

Thrall: Well, after that and the Battle for Mount Hyjal, I think it's time to settle down in Durotar. With Jaina restraining our human neighbors, I'm sure this will be lasting peace.

Rexxar: Proudmoore's forces are attacking!

Thrall Son of a...oh wait, you meant ADMIRAL Proudmoore. Man, what is it with military humans named Something-moore? Hey Jaina, is it ok if we kill your dad?

Jaina: Fine, if it makes you happy. (sobs uncontrollably)

Thrall: Hey Broxigar, go check out that magical wierd stuff over there.

Broxigar: Ok, but I hope it doesn't send me back in time because that's a completely stupid OH NO THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED!

Thrall: Eh, there's no way that'll happen twice. Well, time for some peace and qui--

Sylvanas Windrunner: Hi!

Thrall: Gah!

Sylvanas: We're joining the Horde now.

Thrall: I'm not sure this is a good idea. You seem like a sociopath with fighting skills. Something about that sounds familiar...

Hamuul Runetotem: I, a druid, think you should let these Forsaken, who are in no way natural, into the Horde.

Thrall: Ok. Oh hey, conveniently compassionate blonde woman Number 3 of 3!

Lor'themar Theron: You know...that joke's REALLY starting to get old.

Thrall: Well, time to check on Hellscream Jr. Hey Garrosh, turns out your father wasn't such a compl--

Garrosh Mother-Freaking Hellscream: I HATE HUMANS! KILL THEM ALL!

Thrall: Ah. You shall be my most trusted advisor. Now go deal with Northrend. I kind of want to phase out the whole "Thrall does everything" bit.

Garrosh: Turns out, while I spent all my time and effort trying to kill all humans, a human killed the Lich King. Also got a lot of our best forces murdered. Total failure across the board.

Thrall: Then clearly you are the one who should lead the Horde. Son's in charge!

Cairne: What? That sociopath will rule the Horde over my dead OH NO POISONED urk.

Thrall: Son's in charge!

The Dragon Aspects: We need you to fight Deathwing. Use this Dragon Soul, which Deathwing used to steal our power, to blast him with a giant anime beam made out of revenge. A "Karma-hame-ha" if you will.

Thrall: We defeated Deathwing, and my wife's pregnant! Finally I can retire, and get some much needed pea--

Garrosh: I'M EVIL NOW. Ok well...more so.

Thrall: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! Ok fine, I'll help with the Siege, but only as a backup member, ok? It's time for someone else to do the heavy lifting around here.

Garrosh: Face me one-on-one, Thrall! While I am an Arms Warrior and you are an Enhancement Shaman, I still think my odds are good!

Thrall: Yeah, shows how much you know about class balance. Now die.


King Varian Wrynn: No! You don't get to execute him, I do!

Thrall: Because he'll somehow be LESS dead if I do it?

Taran Zhu: No! We'll put him on trial! That way, he'll be even LESS dead than if EITHER of you had executed him.

Thrall: That's almost as stupid as "Time Travelling Orcs".

Garrosh: Sucker! *BAMF*

Thrall: know what? I'm done with this. Really. It's time for someone else to raise a damn finger to solve the world's problems for once. I have done just about EVERYTHING for TEN DAMN YEARS. I have a wife, I have a kid, and I'm officially done with this. You hear me?

Durotan: Son! I'm through the portal! Come through, and you can meet me!

Grommash Mother-Freaking Hellscream: I'M EVIL NOW.

Thrall: ...typical.

Durotan: Heh. Son's in charge!
That...was very well done!
That was so beautiful. :(
This made my day. Thank you for it!
It was okay...but it would've been so much better if you minimized the constant "<Insert Injury to Whatever Body Part>" bits. This read too much like TeamFourStar's Dragonball Z Kai Abridged, and that came off as trying way too hard to be funny. Like Pewdiepie and, recently, Markiplier. Although I will admit: Grom going "I'm going to attack them FOR NO REASON!" did make me giggle.

The only thing that bothered me, and this is just a mini-rant, is the "Go'el is named after Goku and Kal-El because reasons" shtick. I'm sure you know that, but for crying out loud "go'el" is Hebrew for "to free" or "redeemer". I don't like how people call him Green Jesus when he only had the power of the Earth Warder for an expansion because it's such a derogatory name. Moses I can understand as his story has parallels to it, but Go'el didn't die for everyone's sins and came back to life in three days. That's just stretching it.

And yes, I'm calling him Go'el because that's his name. For some reason, people consider Go'el and Thrall to be two separate entities when, you know, THEY'RE THE SAME PERSON.

OK, rant's over. I feel a little better. But if you could tone the running gags down, this would be a much more cohesive story.

Never stop making these threads Breccia.
08/26/2014 12:23 PMPosted by Armitage

OK, rant's over. I feel a little better. But if you could tone the running gags down, this would be a much more cohesive story.

I find your lack of humor disturbing.
All I could do while reading this was hear all the various Team Four Star voice actors.

Basically, it was like this.
11/10. Fantastic!
08/26/2014 08:37 AMPosted by Breccia
Sylvanas Windrunner: Hi!

Thrall: Gah!

I love that this gag comes back in virtually every single one. :D
I've loved all of these so far. I think the Arthas one was my favorite.
08/27/2014 05:30 AMPosted by Kelliana
08/26/2014 12:23 PMPosted by Armitage

OK, rant's over. I feel a little better. But if you could tone the running gags down, this would be a much more cohesive story.

I find your lack of humor disturbing.

It was a little funny. I just thought it was being too repetitive, and I feel that after the first two or three times it loses its meaning. But to each his own, I guess.

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