The EVIL Warlock's Guide: Cataclysm Edition!

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Welcome, fellow practitioners of the Demonic Arts! This guide is for veteran and aspiring supervillains of Azeroth... the EVIL WARLOCKS!

First, bask in your malevolent glory! You think shadow damage comes from the land of sunshine and rainbows? Au contraire mon frère and/or girl-frère! You are a bona fide villain and it is your duty to behave like one. I'm not talking about a run-of-the-mill twirly moustache villain here. Think "Wall Street Stockbroker" or "Partner at High-Priced Law Firm." You're not just bad. You are EVIL. Act accordingly!

The first important skill you will need while you are on your way to total world domination is the ability to rule with an iron fist the (future) millions of soulless henchmen who will do your unholy bidding. Happily, you get plenty of practice managing your warlock minions, all of which display varying levels of resistence and/or back-talking to your commands. Use and abuse them until you get comfortable asking your followers to do impossible and/or completely inadvisable things. This will qualify you to serve as raid leader when you hit 85.

Let's begin by looking at the essentials of warlocking, or as it's known in common parlance, "being AWESOME."

A. The Warlock Credo
For new warlocks just joining our dark brother- and sisterhood, and as a reminder for the lock veterans who have t-shirts emblazoned with the words "I Remember When Soul Shards Took Up Bag Space," REMEMBER THE WARLOCK CREDO:

Being EVIL Ain't Easy... IT'S FUN!

Sounds simple, yes? But this simple phrase underscores the entire warlock philosophy. Learn it well, for it serves as the fundamental principle that will guide you along your interactions with raid bosses, PvP opponents, and the most challenging enemies you will ever face: Other Players Of Inferior Non-Warlock Classes Who Expect You To Do Things For Them. This Guide will advise you on how to deal with all of them.

B. Important Macros: Here are the only macros you will ever need:
Macro #1:

Macro #2:
/r NO, you CANNOT have a summon.
/r [modifier:alt] NO, you CANNOT have a healthstone.
/r [modifier:ctrl] NO, you CANNOT have a soulstone.
/r [modifier:shift] NO, you CANNOT have Dark Intent.

Macro #3:
/cast QQ Extraction
/cast Create Delicious QQ Beverage
/drink [Delicious QQ Beverage]

NOTE: "QQ Extraction" is sometimes spelled "Fear" in your spellbook.

Macro #4 (RP or RP-PVP Servers Only):
/e retrieves a delicate crystal flask from a pocket and takes a drink, eyes closing in delight at the sweet taste of the [Delicious QQ Beverage]. "Ahh! Sweet nectar of the Gods!"

NOTE: It's a well known fact that everyone hates seeing RP server players show up in their battlegrounds and random heroics groups. Use their foolish underestimation of you to its fullest! This is your perfect opportunity to pwn them on the damage meters, and THEN cleverly RP emote about it to really rub salt in the wound. No experience is quite as sweet as seeing the QQ in battleground chat, "OMG I AM BEING PWNED BY AN RPER!!1!!!1!!" Note the "/LOL" there at the end of the macro. It's super effective.

C. The Delicious QQ Beverage ("DQQB") Buff:
As veteran warlocks know, DQQBs are made by collecting the raw QQ energy emitted by the players of The Inferior Classes (specifically: all classes except Warlocks) when they complain about how powerful / naturally skilled / rich / debonair / good looking IRL warlocks are. You will know when you have harvested enough QQ by examining the fill meter on your QQ Extraction bar. When the line on the meter passes "Smug Satisfaction" and hits "Maniacal Cackling", you have enough to make a batch.

The DQQB buff provides +175 Influence Over Raid Loot Decisions and/or +175 Trash Talking, depending on whether you are in a PvE or PvP situation, respectively. It is absolutely imperative that you, as an EVIL warlock, keep the buff provided by chugging [Delicious QQ Beverage]s on you at all times!

A. Warlock Uniqueness vs. Other Casters
As everyone knows, one of the major changes that Blizzard adopted in recent years was a certain level of homogenization of abilities among classes. Many of you may be wondering what distinguishes EVIL Warlocks from the other-- e.g. inferior-- caster classes. Here's a handy guide for what separates the EVIL Warlock from the chumps:

Shadow Priests: SPriests are players who failed the minimum intelligence standards required to play a warlock. Case in point--on the class selection screen, they selected the option that entitles a raid leader to demand they switch specs and start healing the raid. If you point this out to them, expect them to sputter with rage-- "But... but... I'm evil too! I have vampire spellz!" "Yeah," you should reply, "the SPARKLY VAMPIRE kind." Then laugh... really loudly.

Boomkins: These casters are easily distinguished from Warlocks by appearance. Specifically, Boomkins look like factory rejects from Pokemon Industries, Ltd., while Warlocks look like players who can actually DPS.

Ele Shamans: If someone asks you to describe the difference between an Ele Shaman and an Warlock, just ask them to picture the difference between a '78 Ford Pinto and a 2011 McLaren F1. Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words.

Mages: Warcraft lore has it that warlocks began as mages but embraced demonic arts for the power and advantages that shadow magic provided over the arcane. Which is basically the RP way of saying that Warlocks are mages who decided not to SUCK.

B. Your Most Powerful Weapon: DARK INTENT
Dark Intent Basics: The most important change for EVIL Warlocks in this expansion is the implementation of Dark Intent, otherwise known as the "Thermonuclear Raid QQ Device." Like Gollum chasing after his Preciousssss, legions upon legions of casters, healers and kitty druids will scream and cry and willingly throw themselves at your feet in exchange for the promise of this buff. (If you don't see the obvious advantages of wielding this much power over your fellow raiders, please reroll immediately.) Your possession of DI power entitles you use it to extract the maximum amount of personal advantage.

Now, various "helpful" people out there will break down in numbers the DPS gain per class receiving DI, and will advise you to put it on certain classes when the raid needs to maximize damage output and put it on healers in cases that require a lot of healing. While this information makes for interesting academic discussions at nerd conventions, none of it matters in the slightest where YOUR interests are concerned. The ONLY legitimate metric for deciding who gets DI is to determine which person is offering you the most compensation for it. Remember, if you don't get the concessions you want, threaten to put DI on your own pet unless your demands are met in full!

Suggested Compensation: Spriests and resto druids in particular will go to unimaginable lengths to get your DI. You could ask for extra heals; more loot; a permanent Vigilance buff from the warrior tanks; your likeness carved into Italian marble and displayed at the Smithsonian; the sky's the limit!

Countering Opposition: "Because The Warlock Union Says So": The official regulations of the Warlock Union (aka the Azerothian Federation of Felcasters, or A.F.F.) should be invoked in the event that some foolish person questions the legitimacy of your decision about who gets Dark Intent. Should they throw silly arguments like overall raid DPS gains or that tired old "for the good of the guild" nonsense at you, all you need to say is this: "Sorry, but the Warlock Union has ruled that (SPriests / Boomkins / Mages / Players Whose Names Begin With "S" / whatever) are not allowed to have DI." Use this excuse liberally as cover for your actions when auctioning off DI to the highest bidder. (Of course, the Warlock Union does not really exist, since Warlocks are diametrically opposed to the principles of collectivism and that whole idea of being "team players." But THEY don't know that!)

The remainder of this Guide will give you some pointers about dealing with the challenges you will face. All of the advice herein is designed to ensure you have a steady supply of [Delicious QQ Beverage] as you go.

A. Mobs and Bosses:
The challenges of actual raiding and killing things are almost completely trivial to you, the EVIL Warlock. This is because your class was designed with the complete destruction of all living things (and various inorganic structures) in mind, so warlocks and blowing stuff up go hand in hand. No, your biggest problem is summed up in two little words: PULLING AGGRO.

Yes, it's going to happen to you. This is because, contrary to what you might think, bosses and trash mobs are not stupid. When a PvE enemy looks at your raid, this is what it sees:

-the Paladins, who are sitting on the grass strumming lutes and composing sonnets to the Priests;
-the Death Knights, who are debating whether pink glitter lip gloss is better than purple glitter lip gloss;
-the Mages, who are slouching against a brick wall complaining to each other how "the man" is getting them down;
-the Hunters, who are dressing their pets in miniature sailor outfits, asking them "Does widdle Snookums want a yum-yum treat? Does him? Does him?" and then kissing them on the nose;
-the Rogues, who are stealthed behind that rock playing 3 Card Monte against the gullible Shamans and taking them for all they're worth;
-the Druids, who are clustered around a podium carrying signs protesting greenhouse gas emissions and eating tofu;
-the Warriors, who are running around with a football, slapping each other on the butt;

No surprise, you instantly become #1 on the threat list. Raid bosses and trash mobs are evil, just like you. They know a real threat when they see one. Plus, they can see the cluster of purple bars at the top of the Recount meters just like you can. The boss is going to aggro on to YOU-- it's only a matter of time. But don't fret! Just watch your aggro, stay alive, and use any means necessary to convince the non-Warlocks in your raid to soak up the damage instead, for example, by dragging the boss into a pile of high-threat mages and then hitting Soul Shatter when they're in melee range. This is always good for a few laughs.

B. Lower Life Forms: The Non-Warlocks In Your Raid
Dealing with the lesser beings in the WoW universe is one of the unfortunate chores of your life as an EVIL Warlock. None of us enjoy it, but we do it anyway in order to secure necessary benefits, like prestige, epic gear pieces, and the ever-popular NOT-Getting-Curbstomped-By-A- Large-Dragon.

That said, it is your sworn duty as a member of the EVIL Warlock class to complete the Warlock class' one official obligation, which is to ensure that every single raid leader in the universe fervently believes that THE RAID WILL SUFFER A HORRIBLE FATE AND FAIL if there are not enough warlocks in the raid at all times. This ensures all of us will continue to enjoy a steady stream of purple gear upgrades that we need in order to sneer at the mages and make the shadow priests feel bad about themselves, worthy goals by any measure.

To do this, you will need to advertise your many game-changing abilities to negotiate benefits for yourself, especially ones that keep those nasty raid bosses away from you. Fortunately, Blizzard has bestowed upon us the three greatest powers of persuasion on all of Azeroth: HEALTHSTONES, SOULSTONES, and DARK INTENT. In addition, every few patches Blizzard creates an encounter or tinkers with a mechanic that makes warlocks absolutely essential to every raid, for example, Demo lock spellpower boosts; warlock portals to escape the Lich King's most irritating mechanic (the Val'kyr); and basically every single scripted raid instance in Burning Crusade.

THE CONQUEROR TOKENS: Unfortunately, we are forced to share tier tokens with Paladins and Priests. This is highly annoying due to the fact that these classes typically make up a large portion of the tanks and healers in the raid, and your raid leaders are likely to hold the warped view that tanks and healers are somehow more important than YOU, the unquestioned God Of DPS. You will need to do everything in your power to undermine their chances at stealing what is rightfully yours by keeping them out of the raid. "Wouldn't we be better off with some more shaman chain heals tonight?" or "well... that's nothing a Boomkin can't provide, now is it?" are two examples of things you can say. Of course, some of them are probably going to get in the raid anyway, in which case you'll need to switch to damage control: "All I'm saying is, if Blizzard really intended for pallys to get tier tokens, they wouldn't have clogged up so much of the loot tables with +Int plate... now would they?"

Work on your powers of persuasion. You'll need it later when it comes time to try to take over the world.
PvP encounters are actually the easiest way to generate QQ from other players, because success here means flowing rivers of QQ from everyone you kill. Accordingly, you should PvP as much as possible. The chief complaint among many warlocks is "lack of survivability" in PvP situations. This is untrue. It's not really a matter of warlocks having a lack of survivability-- it's merely the unfortunate result of The Players Of Inferior Non-Warlock Classes FINALLY figuring out the following truism:

A Living Warlock = A Dead Everybody Else.

Remember, YOU are the entire reason that Resilience was added to the game! Over the course of the seven years that this game has existed, warlock DoTs + Fear have generated more crying than every Lifetime Original Movie ever made COMBINED. Judicious use of your MUAHAHAHA-inducing abilities-- like 3rd floor portals in Warsong Gulch-- generates gallons and gallons of [Delicious QQ Beverage] for you.

A. Bringing the AWESOME to Battlegrounds:
Ordinarily we might say that battlegrounds are where Warlocks really shine, but the fact is Warlocks shine in every situation with equally impressive luster, so it's pretty hard to justify this statement. In any case, you will pwn all the charts with little difficulty. Don't let silly things like "objectives" get in your way-- teamwork is for chumps!

Because you are EVIL, you will be spending at least 60% of your time DoTing up everything with a red tag that you see, regardless of your team makeup. Healers are not important to you; that's what healthstones, Drain Life and Deathcoil are for. The other 40% of your time in a BG is the tricky part. Make sure to stay close to the melee class players on your faction so their targets are within range at all times. As soon as the player that Paladin or warrior has been whacking on gets down to 5% health, it is time for you to hit the "I WIN" button for the kill. (You'll find it in your spell book under "Shadowburn"). If you do it right, you will not only generate loads of QQ from the opposing faction, but from all the melee players on your own team. Don't feel sorry for them when your KBs are a hundred times the KBs of the next highest non-warlock player. If they wanted to be winners, they should have rolled a Warlock. Plus, you're EVIL, so what do you care what they think? Hit Macro #1, collect your [Delicious QQ Beverage]s and move on.
B. PvP Up Close And Personal:
The best way to deal with your enemies face-to-face is direct application of DoTs and nukes *TO* the face. But when those are on cooldown, you'll need a Plan B to wait out your CD timers. Your best bet? DISTRACTION! Every one of the Inferior Classes has a weakness. Here is an updated breakdown of each class' weakness and how to exploit it:

WARRIORS. Weakness: Fondness for small animals
Warriors rely on a rage bar to do pretty much anything, so this one is pretty obvious. Go to one of those sites that your mother is always sending you links to-- you know the ones I'm talking about. The ones with all the adorable photos that put you into insulin shock after the sugary sweetness of so much condensed cuteness wears off. Print out a color photo of the most adorable baby bunny or kitten on the site, and shove it right in their faces. Goodbye, rage bar! "Awwwwwwwww... it's... so... cuuuuuute--" *SHADOWBURN*.

HUNTERS. Weakness: Dumb
As it happens, the hunter's pet is 1000 times more intelligent than the hunter. Fortunately for you, they are still pets. Buy yourself a box of pet treats, throw one in the opposite direction, and run. The pet will take off after the treat. The hunter is a non-issue, because each and every one of them is alt-tabbed on the Damage Dealing forum complaining about mages spellstealing their Master's Call.

SHAMAN. Weakness: More emotional than a character from a Brontë novel
Stomp their totems and they burst into tears. A nice touch to generate even more QQ: cast Fear on the shaman, unequip your weapon and PUNCH the shaman's totems while they look on helplessly.

DRUIDS. Weakness: Scaredey cats
Druids are basically your classic tofu-eating, sandals-wearing, "Sunshine, Happiness And Rainbows"-singing wimps. They can't decide whether they're supposed to be tanks, healers, melee DPS or caster DPS-- in fact, they can't even decide whether they're humanoid, bird, cat, bear, sea lion, or some type of large, smelly Sasquatch-like creature. To deal with them, just cast Fear-- chances are, they were planning on running away from you anyway.

MAGES. Weakness: Jealousy
Self-resurrect with a Soulstone, use a healthstone, put DI on your own pet, Life Tap and then pour a mana potion out into the dirt at their feet. Say "Isn't it fun to top the damage meters and still end the fight with a full mana bar?" Watch them spontaneously combust in rage.

PALADINS. Weakness: Goody-two shoes
"Oh no, that old woman needs help crossing the street!" Never fails. Also, note that a sizable percentage of them will spend all their time chasing around your pet because they really, really, REALLY need to press that Turn Evil button just in case someone asks what exactly they do that couldn't be done better by a Warrior or DK.

PRIESTS. Weakness: Holy Nova fixation
Every single priest in WoW would, if given the chance, do nothing but spam Holy Nova. They see what you can do with Hellfire, RoF and Seed of Corruption... and the envy is killing, yes, KILLING THEM. For these guys, you will need to casually but convincingly tell them that you found a thread on Elitist Jerks about a viable Holy Nova spec for PvP. When they alt-tab to check it out, nuke them to oblivion! (Note: it doesn't matter if they've fallen for this trick before. They will ALWAYS look to see if someone finally made their dreams come true.)

ROGUES. Weakness: Warlock fixation
The secret to dealing with rogues was pioneered by warlock Zanmorn, and is known as The Buddy System. In essence, a rogue experiences an inescapable gravitational pull toward every warlock (s)he sees. Accordingly, warlocks should pair up and approach the rogue together. The rogue will begin to experience a state resembling a game of Pong and can be bounced back and forth between the warlocks until it dies to DoTs. Note that Warlocks traveling in groups in excess of three may cause the rogue to explode. This is awesome.

DEATH KNIGHTS. Weakness: Boy Bands
It's a well-known fact that this class is populated almost entirely by teenagers (actual age or mental age) who saw the words "plate wearing + free mounts + generates power + DoTs AND melee attacks + overpowered pets = EZMODE" and said "Yes, Please." To deal with them, just /yell "OMG IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER!" and watch them drop their weapons and squeal like little girls.
This concludes the newest edition of the EVIL Warlock's Guide! Now go forth, conquer all, and MUAHAHAHA your heart out. Remember, being EVIL ain't easy... IT'S FUN!

ON ROGUES: Recently, I was approached by a fellow lock who questioned whether there is a contradiction in the advice re: dealing with rogues. Specifically, whether the Zanmorn "Buddy System" violates the general rule that warlocks don't go for the whole collectivism thing. Ordinarily this is true: Warlocks don't have friends... we just have lists of people who owe us favors. But in the case of dealing with rogues, it is perfectly acceptable to form a temporary partnership of convenience. After all, if you do it correctly, the rogue explodes! Who wouldn't want to see that? Granted, such temporary partnerships should be dissolved as soon as they are no longer needed. After all... we have reputations to protect.

This is the third installment of the EVIL WARLOCK'S GUIDE. This guide has a long history: the Wrath Edition of this guide was posted in July 2009 and spent 18 months stickied on the Warlock forum! The original, Burning Crusade "Guide to Life as an EVIL WARLOCK" posted way, way back in May 2008.

Special thanks to the players who commented on this and the previously stickied edition saying that this Guide inspired them to reroll new warlocks or re-activate their old warlock toons. As must surely be obvious, I love this class above the rest and I'm delighted that you were so entertained. Thank you.

March 2011 - Origination!
4/10/11: Edits & new clarification section. Thanks for the requests for sticky; if you enjoyed this thread, please upvote the first post! And STAY EVIL out there!
Awesome post, very fun to read, and your welcome for the future sticky! (<-----Hopefully)
Narcolepsy: Could you please remove Post #4 so it doesn't break up the flow? Thanks very much.

Edit: Thanks for removing! Maybe a community manager will be able to clean up the delete bar. (That's the weirdest mechanic of the new forums imo.)
Wtb sticky
by the love of twisting nether (and by love, I mean unbridled hatred for the limitless manipulation of it, and its inhabitants therein) STICKY THIS NOW!

I'm suprised this wasn't reposted earlier :-)
Post was ok imo... Idk what your talking about saying we are all high and mighty in pvp tho.
I raided with this evil lock for many moons in wrath before I hung my warlock up for a holy nova spam priest. She really is as evil as she seems. More so in vent!

Also good work on the guide MINUS the priest section!
posting in epic thread... I did so enjoy the other two /happysigh
As per the OP request, I have requested a sticky!
lol very nice :3

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